DEAR MISS MANNERS: My younger sister and I have a close relationship, so when she told me that she was interested in someone, I was happy to hear the details of the blossoming of a new relationship. Sadly, both her and my classes will keep her from introducing him to me for a few months at least.

Facebook, however, makes the world a little bit flatter: Since her relationship has been posted, with a click of a button I can send him a message.

Is this a good thing to do, or will an email introducing an older sister (who is hoping for a response in kind) be inappropriate?

My sister will almost certainly not mind this; and furthermore, I trust my sister's judgment on matters of the heart. This is not an attempt to give or withhold my seal of approval: I'm driven by an interest to meet the person who my sister is so fond of.

However, I don't want to send anyone into a state of panic or to give a bad first impression. What should I do, introduce myself by email or wait a few months until I can be introduced in person?

It seems that you often come down slightly negatively on the topic of social networking. But while these can cause problems, especially if people don't use it intelligently (setting security levels to keep what needs to be private sequestered away, and being respectful of other people's personal space), there are wonderful benefits to be had.

Personally, I feel that it's very nice to be informed of details of the lives of those living far away: I love to see friends and family's posts of their more random thoughts and actions during the day. These are the things that distance would deprive you of otherwise, and while they are nice to know, these small things are not the stuff that good conversations are made of. It's also nice to be able to inform those with whom one is not close enough to talk on a weekly basis, but who nevertheless take interest in your life, of some of the larger events: such as new relationships that, while public, are not yet cause enough to call everyone one knows about.

As a side note: It is also a nice, not particularly harmful way for one to broadcast to those who would be suitors that they are not single. While networking certainly should not be used as a substitution for meeting in person or a phone call, many of these things really enrich the lives of users.

GENTLE READER: What do you mean, your sister would "almost certainly not mind" your jumping into her courtship? Couldn't you use one of those substitute methods of communication to ask her?

It strikes Miss Manners that the issue here is not networking, but meeting the family. The timing of that tends to be delicate, and surely the person most concerned should have some say in that. Would you, for example, consider it desirable for your parents to introduce themselves to your sister's beau -- whether through Facebook, or by calling him, texting him, or tracing him down and knocking on his door -- without asking her?

Do we really want the world to become flatter like that?

As for your side note -- Miss Manners is fervently hoping that this is a mere theoretical example, and that your sister is single.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a serious, but probably (hopefully) not dangerous medical condition (a benign inoperable brain tumor, if you must know). I am receiving radiation therapy for it. This situation is very unpleasant for me, and I would rather not discuss this except when I feel the need and am comfortable doing so.

I have shared this with my immediate family because I want to and I feel they do need to know. However, my wife thinks less close family members need to know this. And when I have chosen to reveal this at family gatherings, I have been chastised for not informing people sooner.

I disagree that I am obliged to share this information as a matter of course, and feel my privacy includes how and with whom I discuss this. Eventually, the side effects will be evident, and at that time it will be natural for people to inquire, and I'll deal with it in my own way.

But until then, since this issue has no affect on my relationships (in the sense that it is not serious enough that people need to help, or that I have limited time with them), I don't feel it is necessary to share this casually, except at my own choosing. I believe that if relatives feel like they need to know (including my wife's need to discuss this with others), that that is their problem, not mine.

Do you agree? Am I obliged to discuss this with other relatives who feel they need to know "because we're your relatives!"?

GENTLE READER: They should be told before they find out from other people. Delaying beyond that would make it look not only as if you don't care about those you don't tell, but -- to whoever tells them -- as if the uninformed would somehow have known if they had cared enough about you. And this is only too likely, now that more than one of your relatives already knows.

In other words, it would be a wide open door for the invasion of privacy, which is what you are trying to avoid.

Miss Manners understands that neither do you want to bring on the common side-effects of any serious medical condition: pitying looks, ill-informed advice and patronizing reassurances. Nor that lecture about how it is nothing to be ashamed of, as if shame were the only motivation for privacy.

This is an excellent reason for not announcing this to anyone outside of your family and intimate friends. With the, however, your best hope is to downplay the matter and cut off discussion saying gently, "Please, I really don't want to discuss this. I only told you because I know you care about me."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Hello, what is the etiquette on tipping the owner of a business?

GENTLE READER: According to whom?

Those of us who actually know etiquette can tell you authoritatively that is it improper to tip the owner of a business. Tipping is done to supplement the inadequate wages of service employees, and should be considered insulting by entrepreneurs.

However, Miss Manners is given to understand there are entrepreneurs who do not mind being insulted when it comes to money. She finds that regrettable.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are gathering for dinner to celebrate a friend's last night in town, as she is moving away. The host is expecting us all to pitch in and pay for the guest of honor's dinner.

This wouldn't be so much of an issue if the dinner weren't being held at an upscale, expensive restaurant, and since several of attendees (not including the guest of honor) are either out of work or in danger of losing their jobs. I understand this is customary for birthday celebrations, etc., but is it also customary to pick up the guest of honor's tab for such an occasion as this?

GENTLE READER: What do you mean "the host"? Is he paying for all of you, and only asking you to chip in for the guest of honor? If not, he is not a host. He is merely an organizer, on behalf of a group whom he did not consult.

Indeed there has been a lot of that happening. Sometimes, Miss Manners regrets to say, it is the guest of honor who makes the arrangements -- typically a self-birthday party at a restaurant -- and expects others to sign on to pay without any say in the expenses being incurred. The worst is that it is presented as a test of friendship -- a financial test.

Miss Manners strongly recommends refusing to take such a test. There should be no embarrassment, especially since there are several of you, in asking the organizer to move the dinner to an affordable restaurant if he wishes you to participate. Should he decline, you should decline, and find another way to show your friendship to the guest of honor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I gave a 9-year-old family member some toys for her birthday. My kids love to play with these toys and their ages are 7 and also 9.

A week later, I got a call from her thanking me for the present, but then saying that the toys were not appropriate for her age and she had returned them and got clothes instead. I told her I was glad she got something she could use.

I am offended by this and wondered if my offence is warranted. After this incident I would like to discontinue gift giving. What would be the proper way in doing this?

GENTLE READER: There is no need to announce that you are ceasing to trouble this child with things she does not want. Miss Manners supposes that in keeping with the brutal frankness that she has either been taught or allowed to get away with, she will only tell you to give her money instead.

She may, however, speak up when she notices that she has been cut off. In that case, you may be able to explain gently your point of view: that it is no pleasure for you to give something that is then used to criticize you. If you are able to make her understand that, you will have given her a valuable present.

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