DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a serious, but probably (hopefully) not dangerous medical condition (a benign inoperable brain tumor, if you must know). I am receiving radiation therapy for it. This situation is very unpleasant for me, and I would rather not discuss this except when I feel the need and am comfortable doing so.

I have shared this with my immediate family because I want to and I feel they do need to know. However, my wife thinks less close family members need to know this. And when I have chosen to reveal this at family gatherings, I have been chastised for not informing people sooner.

I disagree that I am obliged to share this information as a matter of course, and feel my privacy includes how and with whom I discuss this. Eventually, the side effects will be evident, and at that time it will be natural for people to inquire, and I'll deal with it in my own way.

But until then, since this issue has no affect on my relationships (in the sense that it is not serious enough that people need to help, or that I have limited time with them), I don't feel it is necessary to share this casually, except at my own choosing. I believe that if relatives feel like they need to know (including my wife's need to discuss this with others), that that is their problem, not mine.

Do you agree? Am I obliged to discuss this with other relatives who feel they need to know "because we're your relatives!"?

GENTLE READER: They should be told before they find out from other people. Delaying beyond that would make it look not only as if you don't care about those you don't tell, but -- to whoever tells them -- as if the uninformed would somehow have known if they had cared enough about you. And this is only too likely, now that more than one of your relatives already knows.

In other words, it would be a wide open door for the invasion of privacy, which is what you are trying to avoid.

Miss Manners understands that neither do you want to bring on the common side-effects of any serious medical condition: pitying looks, ill-informed advice and patronizing reassurances. Nor that lecture about how it is nothing to be ashamed of, as if shame were the only motivation for privacy.

This is an excellent reason for not announcing this to anyone outside of your family and intimate friends. With the, however, your best hope is to downplay the matter and cut off discussion saying gently, "Please, I really don't want to discuss this. I only told you because I know you care about me."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Hello, what is the etiquette on tipping the owner of a business?

GENTLE READER: According to whom?

Those of us who actually know etiquette can tell you authoritatively that is it improper to tip the owner of a business. Tipping is done to supplement the inadequate wages of service employees, and should be considered insulting by entrepreneurs.

However, Miss Manners is given to understand there are entrepreneurs who do not mind being insulted when it comes to money. She finds that regrettable.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are gathering for dinner to celebrate a friend's last night in town, as she is moving away. The host is expecting us all to pitch in and pay for the guest of honor's dinner.

This wouldn't be so much of an issue if the dinner weren't being held at an upscale, expensive restaurant, and since several of attendees (not including the guest of honor) are either out of work or in danger of losing their jobs. I understand this is customary for birthday celebrations, etc., but is it also customary to pick up the guest of honor's tab for such an occasion as this?

GENTLE READER: What do you mean "the host"? Is he paying for all of you, and only asking you to chip in for the guest of honor? If not, he is not a host. He is merely an organizer, on behalf of a group whom he did not consult.

Indeed there has been a lot of that happening. Sometimes, Miss Manners regrets to say, it is the guest of honor who makes the arrangements -- typically a self-birthday party at a restaurant -- and expects others to sign on to pay without any say in the expenses being incurred. The worst is that it is presented as a test of friendship -- a financial test.

Miss Manners strongly recommends refusing to take such a test. There should be no embarrassment, especially since there are several of you, in asking the organizer to move the dinner to an affordable restaurant if he wishes you to participate. Should he decline, you should decline, and find another way to show your friendship to the guest of honor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I gave a 9-year-old family member some toys for her birthday. My kids love to play with these toys and their ages are 7 and also 9.

A week later, I got a call from her thanking me for the present, but then saying that the toys were not appropriate for her age and she had returned them and got clothes instead. I told her I was glad she got something she could use.

I am offended by this and wondered if my offence is warranted. After this incident I would like to discontinue gift giving. What would be the proper way in doing this?

GENTLE READER: There is no need to announce that you are ceasing to trouble this child with things she does not want. Miss Manners supposes that in keeping with the brutal frankness that she has either been taught or allowed to get away with, she will only tell you to give her money instead.

She may, however, speak up when she notices that she has been cut off. In that case, you may be able to explain gently your point of view: that it is no pleasure for you to give something that is then used to criticize you. If you are able to make her understand that, you will have given her a valuable present.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend recently attended the funeral of an acquaintance. During the service, silver trays were passed with small silk bags on them, and each guest was encouraged to take one. She'd been to a funeral where everyone had been given a bubble wand, and during the service they all blew bubbles, so she figured some similar high-jinx were afoot.

Later in the service, it was announced that the bags contained the "cremains" of the dearly departed, who could now remain for all eternity with friends and loved ones.

My friend was appalled, as you can imagine. She was there out of courtesy more than affection; she was not close to the departed and knew him only through her work.

What on earth is she supposed to do with this "gift"?

GENTLE READER: Oh, dear. Miss Manners was already appalled when you got to the bubble blowing. Turning a funeral into a children's birthday party -- are the dead to be allowed no dignity?

And then comes the idea of handing out the remains of the deceased as goody bags. No doubt whoever thought of this never considered that he was forcing the helplessly dead to become an uninvited, not to mention creepy, permanent guest of everyone he had known.

This is why we have rituals: So that people under the stress that the bereaved presumably feel do not have to improvise. As anyone knows who has attended an embarrassing wedding, amateurs are not good at inventing ceremonies, even for themselves.

Let us hope that all those who were put in the ghastly position of finding out what was in the souvenirs they had accepted are too respectful simply to pitch them. Decency allows them to scatter the ashes in an appropriate place, such as a lake or forest of some significance to the deceased. They should not have to perform such a task, which belongs to immediate survivors, but they have little choice.

Unless this was done under the auspices of a member of the clergy. In that case, returning the ashes in confidence, stating that one is not the proper custodian of such a relic, may prevent such a trick being pulled at another funeral.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just received an invitation for a First Communion service and party, with RSVP. The person who sent it to me did not reply or attend my child's First Communion party a year ago.

I understand this is not a competition and I feel awfully guilty if I don't respond, but feel that I should have received some kind of response, at least, to our party in the first place a year ago. Should I just blow it off just as they did to mine?

GENTLE READER: Thus condoning their behavior by imitating it?

It has always puzzled Miss Manners that the victims of rudeness often believe that they can punish the perpetrators by repeating the rudeness. The "see how you like this" method.

The reality is that people are easily capable of separating the two actions. They are likely to have forgotten ignoring your invitation and notice only that you were rude in ignoring theirs.

However, they might wonder why you are not attending. Why don't you just do the polite thing and decline?

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