DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend recently attended the funeral of an acquaintance. During the service, silver trays were passed with small silk bags on them, and each guest was encouraged to take one. She'd been to a funeral where everyone had been given a bubble wand, and during the service they all blew bubbles, so she figured some similar high-jinx were afoot.

Later in the service, it was announced that the bags contained the "cremains" of the dearly departed, who could now remain for all eternity with friends and loved ones.

My friend was appalled, as you can imagine. She was there out of courtesy more than affection; she was not close to the departed and knew him only through her work.

What on earth is she supposed to do with this "gift"?

GENTLE READER: Oh, dear. Miss Manners was already appalled when you got to the bubble blowing. Turning a funeral into a children's birthday party -- are the dead to be allowed no dignity?

And then comes the idea of handing out the remains of the deceased as goody bags. No doubt whoever thought of this never considered that he was forcing the helplessly dead to become an uninvited, not to mention creepy, permanent guest of everyone he had known.

This is why we have rituals: So that people under the stress that the bereaved presumably feel do not have to improvise. As anyone knows who has attended an embarrassing wedding, amateurs are not good at inventing ceremonies, even for themselves.

Let us hope that all those who were put in the ghastly position of finding out what was in the souvenirs they had accepted are too respectful simply to pitch them. Decency allows them to scatter the ashes in an appropriate place, such as a lake or forest of some significance to the deceased. They should not have to perform such a task, which belongs to immediate survivors, but they have little choice.

Unless this was done under the auspices of a member of the clergy. In that case, returning the ashes in confidence, stating that one is not the proper custodian of such a relic, may prevent such a trick being pulled at another funeral.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just received an invitation for a First Communion service and party, with RSVP. The person who sent it to me did not reply or attend my child's First Communion party a year ago.

I understand this is not a competition and I feel awfully guilty if I don't respond, but feel that I should have received some kind of response, at least, to our party in the first place a year ago. Should I just blow it off just as they did to mine?

GENTLE READER: Thus condoning their behavior by imitating it?

It has always puzzled Miss Manners that the victims of rudeness often believe that they can punish the perpetrators by repeating the rudeness. The "see how you like this" method.

The reality is that people are easily capable of separating the two actions. They are likely to have forgotten ignoring your invitation and notice only that you were rude in ignoring theirs.

However, they might wonder why you are not attending. Why don't you just do the polite thing and decline?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and I were in a public bathroom, changing her infant son's diaper, when an acquaintance of hers came by to take a peek at the new baby, I made the comment that he was "Being a good baby today."

The acquaintance soon left and, as we were walking out of the bathroom, a stranger walked up to us and asked me, "Did you say that he was being a good baby?" I replied that he was being very good that day, which surprised me, seeing as this was the first time he was surrounded by lots of people.

The stranger then proceeds to berate me, saying that there are no bad babies, only bad adults. She went on to tell me that I should watch what I say because all of God's children are precious and special. Lastly, she commented that I was obviously insensitive to this matter because I am young. (I think she assumed I was a teenager.)

My sister, being far more patient than I, let the stranger continue with her religious lecture while I quickly exited the room. I was so upset that someone would not only publicly berate a complete stranger, but would make the off-hand remark that I am basically "young and dumb."

I might only be 22 years old, but I know not to be blatantly rude to others. Should I have said something to her instead of just walking away? I thought about saying something like, "Thank you for your concern, I'll make sure to censor myself next time."

GENTLE READER: As the stranger said --and illustrated-- there certainly are bad adults. Miss Manners might have been tempted to jump in at that point and say, with gentle sadness, "Evidently."

Fortunately, you are not one of them. The reply you thought of delivering is within the realm of politeness, presuming that you would have delivered it straight, rather than slathered with sarcasm. It takes longer to sink in that way, but is all the more effective when it does.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I have a dinner party, I always have a tablecloth and pad on my dining room table. How large should the cloth be? I mean, how far past the edge of the table should it drop?

British friends will often use rigid placemats instead of a tablecloth. How are placemats used, where do the glasses go, and what size should they be? Should something else go under them to protect the table? I like the idea of having the wood of the table exposed but still wish to protect the finish.

GENTLE READER: Strictly speaking, a tablecloth, with a 10- to 15-inch drop, is proper for dinner parties, and placemats are used for daytime meals or informal suppers. However, Miss Manners may be the only person that strict left on earth.

You may have padded placemats large enough to accommodate the glasses, as well as each person's china and silver, but Miss Manners hopes you do not have the illusion that this will prevent them from parking their glasses on the table. If you find your mind wandering during dinner, watching the fate of the table instead of concentrating on the conversation, you should stay with using the pad and cloth.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As the Communications Director for a government agency, I respond to written constituent inquiries. In an effort to personalize my responses, I often excerpt from the original missive. For example, "You're agency stnks!" (sic).

Should I correct spelling and grammatical errors from the original correspondence or leave them as is? I hate to fudge a quote, but if I don't correct errors, I am concerned the constituent will think the mistakes are mine, putting my agency in a bad light.

Also, it seems rude to point out someone's errors when they have taken the time to share their concerns. My agency does not yet have a policy regarding this point of professional etiquette.

GENTLE READER: But if you correct the quotation, won't the letter writer think, "Stupid bureaucrats -- can't even quote accurately"?

Besides, surely it is a comfort to note that your critics are not, shall we say, discerning. Miss Manners would consider it polite enough if you preceded the letter writer's words with "as you so colorfully put it...."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a mother of a 7-month-old son and have recently joined a local "mom's club" to meet other mothers for friendship and play dates for our children. Some of the events the mom's club puts together are evenings out to dinner where it's "just the girls."

Our family is struggling financially, not even making ends meet every month, and I am unemployed, desperately trying to find work. Like so many families these days, we do not have extra money for indulgences such as this.

There is an upcoming mom's night out at a local Mexican restaurant for which I have found a few coupons -- one for $5 off the total bill, and the other is buys one meal get the second free. I would like to use these coupons for this dinner and in theory believe they would more than pay for my entree, so when the bill comes at the end of the night, all that's left for me to pay is my portion of the tax and tip.

But on the other hand, I can see how this would seem strange to others and perhaps even tacky. Or maybe the other moms would feel the savings these coupons provide should be disbursed over the group as a whole, and not apply solely to me.

GENTLE READER: As you are wise enough to realize, this is not just a mathematical matter but a social problem.

It is true that by throwing in both coupons, you will be paying for your meal plus $5. And it is fortunate that everyone wants to go to a restaurant for which you have coupons, because it sounds as if you need that night out.

But Miss Manners suspects that you are right that others, not having done the calculation, might feel somewhat taken advantage of. The way to make them think it through is to hand your coupons to the person calculating the bill and ask, "Does this take care of my share?" Any decent person will read it over and say yes. Especially if you do this after the others have paid, so that it would look petty to give them refunds at your expense.

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