DEAR MISS MANNERS: What should an American president do when he greets a foreign head of state? What about his wife? And would that be any different from an average American citizen greeting a foreign head of state?

A handshake and "How do you do?" seem appropriate everywhere, but what about curtsies, head nods and genuflecting? Is a bend at the waist considered different from a bent knee? If anyone can have a final say on this, I believe it would be you.

GENTLE READER: Final say? If only that were true. Miss Manners has now watched at least half a dozen administrations get this wrong. They go to one extreme or the other, behaving like other presidents' buddies or like monarchs' subjects.

Where is the Office of Protocol, for goodness' sake?

Yes, yes, Americans pride ourselves on being warm and open and spontaneous. But heads of state are the symbolic embodiments of their countries, and the greeting gesture is itself symbolic. If they improvise mistakenly, they can expect a spontaneous outburst of American disdain.

The American greeting routine used to be simple. Because we officially consider all people to be equal and equally worthy of respect, the same gesture, the handshake -- simple, dignified and egalitarian -- would do for all.

We knew it wasn't universal, but it was our way. We felt superior to people who had to bow down to their leaders. And we found it side-splitting to watch news footage of French generals bestowing kisses on their soldiers when they gave out medals.

Then, about half a century ago, came the American huggy movement. Instant intimacy was going to solve everyone's problems by making them feel good, which, in turn, would end war and strife. It took rather vigorous forms among some, but eventually infiltrated even the most staid parts of society, where the handshake had been the greeting that fathers gave their young sons.

And it spread internationally. Heads of state took to kissing and hugging one another, a truly bad idea politically. Those photographs are bound to surface when the loved one or his country does something nasty.

Symbolically, it is bad even in good times. Such bonding smacks of the days when protocol had sovereigns from different monarchies addressing one another as "Monsieur Mon Frere" or "Madame Ma Soeur," regardless of whether they had any familial ties. The idea was that they belonged to an international ruling class as distinguished from the mere subjects over whom they reigned.

And if you don't see that, you should try a spontaneous hug on any head of state -- your own or anyone else's -- who happens to come your way in a parade or ceremony.

But symbolic subservience to a foreign ruler is worse. When Miss Manners sees American citizens delighting in bowing or curtseying to royalty, she tries to remind herself that they are just being silly, not treasonous. When an American official does it, we can only hope it was because he was noticing that his own shoelace was undone-- and not that he recognizes the divine right of kings in general, or the authority over us of that king in particular.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every year my husband and I have a birthday party for our son. Every year the party starts at the same time (2 p.m.), and every year we have the same issue: a set of grandparents who arrive hours early.

The time of the party is set to allow for decorating/set-up time in the morning and a quick nap for our son, all of which has been explained to our guests. By arriving early, they disrupt the set-up and, most importantly, our son's nap.

We don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or be rude, but I don't think they have considered how it bothers us to have company arriving before we're ready for them. Or perhaps they don't care. We've made unsuccessful attempts to (gently) point out that the party starts at 2 p.m., but this has gotten us no results.

Since these are relatives (and not just rude friends) we can't stop inviting them, but we are stuck as to what to do about it. Can you tell me how to handle this?

GENTLE READER: Do they always arrive hours early when you invite them for casual visits?

That was a trick question. Miss Manners suspects that this information was not already included because there are few, if any, casual invitations issued. If there were, you would not refer to your son's grandparents as "our guests" whom you have to entertain (sigh) every year.

Her guess is that these people are starved to see their grandson and are trying to cage extra time with him. It may be that you are not on pleasant terms, or it may only be that they live far away and are rarely able to visit. If you cannot schedule more visits, you might solve the problem by asking them, ahead of time, to stay on after the birthday party for some private time with your son.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Myself and three other people carpool to work in the mornings and afternoons, and each week we take turns driving. Usually, whoever's driving listens to music and/or news radio at a very low volume.

However, one of the people in the carpool listens to religious Christian music and/or Christian talk radio. I find this to be very rude because I personally am not religious, and I think it's wrong to "assume" that everyone else has the same religious views as he/she. In addition, this person plays the music in their car very loudly.

Am I wrong in this? Should I be offended? I know some of the other riders have mentioned their distaste in this person's choice of radio stations.

Is there a "tactful" way to address this? Some of us have even gone so far as to listen to iPods on the rides in hopes this person would "get the hint" but to no avail.

GENTLE READER: You don't need a hint; you need a policy. And not a religious policy, either.

It seems to Miss Manners that this driver is acting within your present policy to play his or her choice of radio programs. He or she (can't you look in the front seat and figure out which?) need not assume you agree with it or like it; the only point is that he does.

Suggesting a new policy by which everyone gets to approve the choice of stations will avoid one ugly confrontation, although possibly inspire another. Or you could all disappear into your iPods.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was recently a guest at a group camp out. While enjoying the fire after a day of outdoor fun, another guest claimed to have been a sniper with a Marine reconnaissance unit in Iraq.

His garbled, panicky answers to a few simple ballistics questions revealed this to be an outright lie, but the other guests appeared none the wiser. This spoiled the evening's conversation for me, and I retired immediately.

In such a case, where a fellow invitee is obviously trying to hijack other men's valor, what can the good guest do to call out the fraud without ruining the party spirits of others? It's simple to call out someone in a public place, but what does one do in a group social gathering or a friend's home?

GENTLE READER: You were all sitting around the campfire, and someone went creeping around trying to hijack the men's valor?

How exactly does that work?

Never mind. Miss Manners doesn't want to know.

She can tell you how to dampen such conversation politely, but your fellow campers already know: It is by asking questions. As long as you seem to ask them in a spirit of interest in the narrative, these questions needn't be kept simple.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I play in a seven-team basketball league at work. Each Wednesday, the league holds three games with two teams playing at 6 p.m., two at 7 p.m., two at 8 p.m. and one team not playing that day.

The other week, my team played first. I brought a somewhat expensive basketball with which to practice. After our game (which, I should mention, we won!), I saw one of the other teams using the ball to practice.

I am friendly with most of the people on that team, so I approached them and told them they could use it as long as they got it back to me. I specifically told one person to make sure it got back to me.

Of course, it never did. When I approached this person to ask where it was, she said she thought someone else had taken it to me. When I asked that person, they said the ball they brought was actually someone else's.

Either way, the ball is gone. I've e-mailed the league and no one has it, nor does the gym.

Am I right to be ticked off that trying to do a nice thing by lending my ball to a group of work acquaintances cost me a $35 piece of sports merchandise, or is this just plain fourth-grade playground-style silly on my part and I should just forget about it and buy a new ball? And if the former, whom do I approach -- the person, the league commissioner -- and what do I say?

GENTLE READER: "Make them give me back my ball"?

Your irritation is not silly, but your airing it, with no known target whom you have not already queried, is bound to sound so. Miss Manners is sorry to tell you that the chances of your getting it back are slim. So after posting a sign merely asking that it be returned, she suggests that you resign yourself and resolve not to lend anything to these people again.

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