DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son will be receiving his Ph.D. at a ceremony this June. I am wondering what the proper procedure is for announcing this (to me) exciting and important event to relatives and friends.

Does one send announcements like for a regular graduation, or is it better to let people know individually? During these tough economic times, which have hit some family and friends rather hard, I don't want people to think that we are asking for gifts.

However, it would be nice if people were to send my son a nice card. What would you suggest?

GENTLE READER: Does the Doctor of Philosophy know that his mother wants to drum up cards for him? Just a guess, but would he be saying, "Mom, please, I know you mean well, but..."?

Miss Manners feels no such exasperation. She finds your pride justifiable and charming. She only wants to make sure that others do, too.

A formal announcement of it as "an exciting and important event" will not do it. It lacks the endearing "(to me)" part. To whom would you send it? It is too cold for your close friends and relatives, your son's friends already know, and acquaintances will not find it exciting.

The approach to take is the one that actually corresponds to your feelings: "Guess what? Skipper got his Ph.D! Can you imagine? I keep thinking of all those years I had to nag him to do his homework -- and he turned out to be a real scholar!" and so on.

You will agree that such sentiments are best delivered in a breathless, I-know-I'm-bragging-but-I-can't-help-myself tone. Sweet as they are, they are not suitable for engraving.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a private person and don't confide in many people. I am known for "keeping to myself."

Last year, my house was robbed and all my heirloom jewelry was stolen, along with my laptop and several books of checks. Fortunately, the crooks were bumbling amateurs who cashed my checks and were quickly caught. My laptop was returned but not my jewelry, and their court cases wound slowly through the legal system. Final sentencing was earlier this month.

One semi-close friend who knew of the situation noticed that I was late coming to work on the day the criminals were sentenced. I confided that I had been to court that morning to observe the sentencing, and her reply to me was: "Oh, THAT again. You need to get over that already. It's not like they killed someone."

I was so stunned that I just stared at her in silence, then left the scene.

What would the correct response have been? If I could have spoken at that moment, I would have blurted "That is the rudest thing anyone has ever said to me, EVER." Should I have confronted her?

She is actively avoiding me now and I'm sure she knows it was the wrong thing to say. I have no wish to reconcile with her, or engage her in conversation ever again. I would just like your opinion.

GENTLE READER: It is that you are fortunate that this person is avoiding you, because it saves you the trouble of avoiding her.

Thus Miss Manners hopes you will be spared an explanation that will be, if anything, more offensive than the original rudeness.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Am I the only one who finds this phenomenon confusing?

"Miss Lucy Bainbridge and her fiance of 5 years, Mr. Michael Bagley, wish to announce the arrival of a baby boy, Sweetums Bainbridge-Bagley."

Are women these days, living with a partner without the benefit of marriage, playing fast and loose with the term "fiance"? Are they just cockeyed optimists, waiting each Valentine's Day for a ring? Has there been a lot of talk about marriage and no action? I always thought having a fiance went right along with having a ring and a date. Can one be called a fiance year after year?

GENTLE READER: Long ago, when pseudo-marriages first became openly admitted and widespread, Miss Manners asked her Gentle Readers for help in devising a presentable term by which each person in such an arrangement could refer to the relationship with the other.

She is sorry to say that although she was flooded with suggestions, many of them were not presentable. Those that were not lewd or downright nasty were hopelessly complicated or pure treacle.

And the presentable ones used words that meant something else. One of them was "partner." She didn't choose that one (the truth is that she got discouraged and didn't choose anything) but society did.

It spread, and Miss Manners soon got caught in the very confusion she had predicted. She was about to invite an interesting acquaintance to dinner when he mentioned how happy he was with his new partner. As she was amending the invitation in her mind to include the partner -- the hard part was avoiding a gender-specific pronoun -- the gentleman happened to mention his wife.

Now, Miss Manners is not given to snooping into people's living arrangements, but she does need to know how many people are coming to dinner. It took her a great deal of conversational maneuvering before she discovered that the gentleman's domestic life was not as hectic as she supposed. He had one wife and one business partner.

Perhaps similar confusion has inspired the widespread use of "fiance" and "fiancee" among those without marriage plans. Perhaps they believe it sounds more grown-up or more serious. Or just more French.

In any case, it is now widely used, as you have observed, for arrangements that do not seem to be moving along to marriage. Confusing, yes. But minimally so, Miss Manners would say, as neither long engagements nor broken engagements are new, and these arrangements do sometimes lead to marriage.

Anyway, she has no better term to suggest.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a 90-year-old known-to-be-senile person asks, "Is today Sunday?" is it rude to answer, "All day"? My husband claims that it's not, but I feel it's being sarcastic.

How do you feel about this?

GENTLE READER: Normally, Miss Manners doesn't probe the feelings of those whose surface behavior is polite. But with behavior toward someone unable to judge it -- making faces at a blind person would be another example -- motivation counts. So if he thinks this is funny, then it is rude. (And if he doesn't, he wouldn't insist on repeating it.)

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our son (finally!) brought home a lovely young woman, a fellow attorney in his firm, to meet us. She is intelligent, charming and we were delighted with her.

They stayed the weekend, and my husband and I realized she has likely not been brought up with all the privileges my son has had. I tell you this as background to the following:

I stock each guest room with a range of nice soaps, a selection of toiletries of various brands, plus any necessary items (toothbrushes, razors) a guest may have forgotten. When restocking the guest room after their departure, I was surprised to find not a single item in the drawers -- they had been cleaned out. Even the basket of soaps.

The two will be guests at a partner's summer home in a few months. I feel this behavior will not enhance her future -- or my son's, should they share a room.

My husband says I should speak to the young woman at the first opportunity. I believe it would be more appropriate to speak to my son and let him decide what -- if anything -- is to be done. I feel very awkward about bringing it up with a young woman I hardly know.

What do you think? Him? Her? No one?

Miss Manners, I do not in any way begrudge the items -- I'd have happily gifted her with all of them.

GENTLE READER: You cannot, Miss Manners supposes, warn the young lady's other hosts before she cleans them out.

Evidentially, she is one of those people -- and there are great numbers of them -- who drive up hotel prices because they believe that the bathroom toiletries are little prizes for the clients rather than supplies to be used on the premises.

Still, she is a guest and a prospective daughter-in-law. As you get to know her, you may have occasion to give her a present, in which case a well-stocked travel case of toiletries might occur to you.

In the meantime, you might mention the situation to your son in a manner that does not require him to defend her -- "Zenobia is such a dear, and we hope she comes often. Incidentally, did you or she need the whole basket of soaps and razors and toothbrushes and such? I'm more than happy to give you whatever you want, but please let me know so I can replenish the supply. I only keep it in case a guest has forgotten something."

And lock up your jewelry case.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The hostess served iced tea at a recent luncheon in her home. After the luncheon, the following question arose: "What do you do with your iced tea spoon if the tea is served in a glass without a coaster or saucer under it?"

One of the guests had carefully rested her damp spoon on her used sweetener packet. All of us agreed that we didn't know the proper etiquette, but that Miss Manners would.

GENTLE READER: The proper etiquette is to protect your hostess and her possessions from the consequences of her lack of foresight. It was her job to provide saucers or those stemless spoon heads that serve as spoon parking places. Since she did not do so, Miss Manners is grateful that you did not conclude that the lady was planning to tint her linens anyway.

: