DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are renting a nice home in an upscale neighborhood outside Washington, D.C. Since moving in, at least a dozen neighbors have approached us with the off-putting welcome of "So, you are renting this house?"

We both find the question to be rather forward and rude.

Without knowing our reason for renting, it puts us on the defensive for not being "able" to buy a home, when, in fact, we are more than able to; we just choose not to in this current market.

Could you help us with an appropriate comeback that let's them know that yes, we are renters, but that in no way makes us second-class citizens and we don't appreciate having to defend our status?

GENTLE READER: Don't you want to get the curtains up before you start sparring with the neighbors?

Miss Manners is not at all sure that you have any cause. She has no tolerance for pure nosiness, real estate or otherwise, but surely you understand that neighbors have a legitimate interest in what is going on in the neighborhood. Maybe they hate your landlords and hope they are gone for good. Maybe they like you and are hoping you are there to stay. Maybe they also rent.

Besides, don't you know that nowadays, seeming rich is considered more offensive than seeming poor?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While having guests over has been a welcome change from "happy hours" around town, one new challenge has arisen in keeping friends happily entertained. Concerning music, there are three types of guest. The first is fine with almost any music. The second prefers having nothing playing at all, explaining that she has difficulty conversing while music is playing, at any volume.

The third guest must have music playing to feel comfortable, and is quite particular about the music itself, not tolerating anything different for long. She will pick through the host's CD collection as a sort of unsolicited DJ and will even bring her own CDs to play. Another variant of this is the guest with an iPod who will connect it to a stereo, to play for an entire evening without invitation or discussion.

How would you recommend handling those overzealous people with no patience for any tunes but their own? And can they possibly sit in the same room with someone who finds any music at all detrimental to conversation?

GENTLE READER: Your choice seems to be between letting them try to socialize without musical accompaniment and making everyone listen to the meddling guests' choice of music -- not only people who dislike background music but those who have different musical tastes. Miss Manners would have no trouble making that choice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am familiar with wedding announcements. Is there an equivalent for deaths? Is the bereaved expected to send a notice to friends and relatives who are not nearby? Can this task be delegated to a family member?

GENTLE READER: Formal death notices, with black-bordered cards, do exist, but are not in common use in the United States. Miss Manners considers this exactly the sort of task that can be delegated to those people who keep asking, "Is there anything I can do?"

"Please let people know," can be the response, whether you hand over the address book of the deceased or simply mean that each person should inform whoever he or she knows who would be interested.

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A common custom is dying out: That of party-goers watching the guest of honor open presents.

A dismayed hostess reports giving showers at which the ladies being showered took home their presents unopened. "Is it now an acceptable practice not to open them with the guests present?" she laments.

The mother of a preschooler who has accompanied him to birthday parties at which the presents went unopened asks, "Am I wrong to want to buck this trend? I am planning a celebration for my son, who will turn 4, and I would like him to open his gifts in front of his guests because I feel that doing otherwise deprives them of the joy of seeing his excitement and gratitude."

Miss Manners, guardian of tradition, will be of no help or comfort to these Gentle Readers.

It is true that children's birthday parties and bridal and baby showers have long featured a routine whereby the guests gather around while the person being honored reads aloud the card on each present, opens them, and shows them or passes them around, publicly thanking each donor by name.

But frankly, this was not the best thought-out custom. At large gatherings, it would become tedious, putting a damper on conversation and a strain on expressing admiration for duplicate presents.

There are worse consequences now, because the circumstances at such events have changed for the worse. Too many people who are not particularly close to the honoree are likely to be invited -- whole classrooms, adult relatives and the parents' friends to children's birthday parties; and work colleagues and acquaintances to showers. That makes a lot of presents to open.

The stakes have also gotten higher. Token presents, chosen for their amusement value and because they said something -- preferably something charming -- about the recipient are rare. Children's presents have expanded to become a financial burden on the givers, and, from their numbers, of only passing interest to the recipients.

Furthermore, there are not likely to be any surprises when the packages are opened, thanks to the ubiquitous gift registry. This effectively eliminates surprise. The recipient dictates the choices and the donors buy from the list.

The result is a mere show of greed, envy and shame. Those 4-year-old guests are hardly likely to feel gratified, even if the host has been perfectly trained to express joy and excitement for everything -- the disappointments and the duplicates, along with the rest.

They are more likely to feel resentful that none of it is for them, and worried and embarrassed if their presents do not measure up to what others have given. Shower guests, as adults, should be more mature, but Miss Manners wouldn't bet on it.

She commends those who have noticed the problem and taken the step of abolishing the public show. She considers it a better solution than substituting charitable donations for presents, which can have the unintended consequence of turning a disappointed child against philanthropy.

Eschewing gift registries and agreeing on spending caps would still be valuable ways to rescue present-giving from the crude practice it has become. But Miss Manners considers killing the public opening to be a mercy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS -- My brother has a friend whose wife recently gave birth to a baby with Down Syndrome. My brother was about to talk to his friend for the first time since the birth and did not know what to say to him. He asked my advice and I suggested he simply say, "Congratulations on the birth of your baby." Was this good advice, or was more called for in this situation?

GENTLE READER -- That more would be called for is a dangerous thought that often leads to a cruel form of rudeness. Miss Manners reminds you that births are to be celebrated, not critiqued.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always been taught that finances and expenses are topics that should not be inquired about, due to their obviously sensitive nature, especially in an economy like ours.

The problem I am facing is that I dog-sit for people in my college community (professors, landlords, etc.) and know that I will, in all likelihood, have to continue dog sitting when I graduate this spring with a BA in fashion, even if I can find a job.

While this doesn't bother me (sometimes I like dogs better than people), I face the question, "How much would you like to be paid?" I understand it's a very necessary question, but I never know what to say. I don't have a set price, and I'm willing to work around the budgets of people I know and like. I am never certain of any clients' finances, and I refuse to inquire.

I suppose I am stuck between setting a price and changing it for some, which may appear like I'm doing charity, or leaving payment open, where it might get around that I charge differently for different people, which would be just as bad, if not worse. I suppose it comes down to my looking for a polite and tactful way to ease into the subject of finances without offending, being underpaid or appearing greedy.

GENTLE READER: So there you are, with an etiquette stand-off because you can't ask your clients about their financial situations, and you also can't name a price, because it depends on what they can afford.

But meanwhile, the dogs are jumping about nervously near the front door, desperate to get out. Miss Manners will make haste.

Fix a price and name it. If a client seems to falter, you can adjust it by adding, "but Wordsworth here qualifies for a scholarship" and naming a lower price.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My birthday is coming up next month. I love having parties every year, but this year I'm a little stressed out: I got my invitations about a month ago because I saw them and absolutely loved them. I told one of my friends that isn't as close to me as many of my other friends because I was pretty sure I was going to invite her.

Now that I need to start sending out invitations, I'm not so sure I want to invite her anymore. I don't want her feel left out or for her to think I'm mean, and I especially don't want not inviting her to be a sin. Now whether or not to invite her is always on my mind. Should I invite her? Is it a sin if I don't?

GENTLE READER: If it's your 14th birthday, your mother would tell you that once you announced the party to a prospective guest, you were obliged to invite her. How could she not feel left out if you told her about the party and then left her out?

If you are older, Miss Manners should not have to remind you that the rule is still in effect.

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