DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a very large U.S.-based corporation where I was involved in a discussion involving plans for a luncheon. An individual involved with the planning had selected one of the most expensive restaurants in the city.

I politely objected. I suggested that given the unfortunate economic situation we are experiencing in our country, it was inappropriate to have such a "lavish" event hosted by such a well-known corporation.

My thoughts are based primarily on issues of politeness rather than public relations. Would you be so kind to provide your thoughts on this matter?

GENTLE READER: The distinction you make, between politeness and public relations, is an interesting one. Miss Manners fears that you may mean that the former is being considerate of others, while the latter is merely giving that appearance.

In a perfect world, the two would be the same. In an imperfect world, politeness is not always the result of pure good-heartedness, but shares the incentive of wanting to make a good appearance.

The important difference here is that etiquette also believes in adhering to standards for their own sake, without regard to whether that impresses others. Notably, it believes in modesty and restrained good taste, concepts that public relations might easily dismiss as being counterproductive to getting people's attention and demonstrating one's power and wealth.

But this happens to be a time when the public has reason to embrace those concepts. A bad economic situation makes ostentation look callous, rather than enviably successful. It doesn't even look genuine now that everyone has seen so many lavish spenders caught in bankruptcy or fraud.

Notice that Miss Manners is making the case in terms of public relations, not etiquette, as you asked and had a right to expect. She just figured that saying that ostentation --for example, spending more on each lunch than your low-ranking employees might spend for the week's groceries-- is always in bad taste would not impress your colleagues. That it would anger those employees and make the general public suspicious is an argument they might understand.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who throws home parties quite regularly in which different products are sold. Along with the invitation, she asks me to bring a dish for her guests. She also asks this of me for her children's birthday parties.

I can't help but feel like this is a bit tacky, since in going to either kind of party, you are expected to purchase something (this seems to be an unspoken etiquette "do"). After all, guests who are invited to a wedding would never be expected to bring a dish to pass. Am I feeling overly offended?

GENTLE READER: No, but you are overly optimistic. In fact, the idea of guests-as-caterers has spread to some weddings, and the idea of guests as customers and donors is everywhere. Miss Manners asks you not to call this "unspoken etiquette" when the proper term would be "unspeakable."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: You see a lot of cleavage in all sorts of settings these days, and most of it has been exposed proudly and purposely, so I'm used to trying to ignore such things. I'm sure it is none of my business to point out unwise clothing choices, even if I find it the overexposure embarrassing or offensive.

If there's a chance that person is unaware that he/she's unintentionally exposed a private part of his/her body, it's another matter and makes me feel that I should do something to help if I can.

Yesterday, I stopped to get gas and while standing next to my car, looked over at a young woman who was squatting beside her car putting air into her tire. Her back was to me. She was wearing medical scrubs, which had slipped down to a really embarrassing position, exposing part of her lower back and derriere. It was pretty clear she wasn't wearing underwear.

I thought, "No one wants to see that kind of cleavage," but noticed several other customers had noticed and were amused at the view. I thought about saying something to her so she could pull up her pants and stop the show, but what? She knew she left the house without underwear and the breezy cool day should have signaled her that she had way too much exposed. I suppose there was a chance she didn't know, but just as a good a chance that she knew and didn't really care.

I thought about strolling over to block the view of her back from the other customers, but didn't want to call any more attention to her. I ended up looking away and doing nothing. I felt bad about it.

I have girls this age and would hate to think of strangers ogling them that way. We used to see similar examples of all kinds of cleavage overexposure on a regular basis at a college where I worked. Students would gather between classes right outside our windows. Girls in low-waisted jeans would sit on a brick ledge and boys would gather on the sidewalk in back of them to take in the view.

Most of those girls really didn't care. I know this because some of the female faculty tried to talk with them discreetly and were rudely dismissed until they finally gave up trying. What should I have done in these situations?

GENTLE READER: Do, please, hold onto that realization that you cannot go around policing the dress code. It would be rude, as well as what you have already discovered -- futile.

If you promise Miss Manners to confine yourself to cases where you have good reason to assume that the revelations are unintentional, she will allow you to whisper, "I don't know if you realize that you have an audience."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When escorting a lady down the aisle, as in a wedding, which is the correct position of the man's right forearm? Is it horizontal across the front or down near the right side? I did the former. Was I correct? A cupcake and a glass of punch is riding on your answer.

GENTLE READER: You are correct, but Miss Manners begs you to let go of the lady before you get overly triumphant and slosh punch on her nice dress.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been very fortunate to have been given a lovely, very full set of family silver, which I would like to put to good use. After some research, I have identified all the different pieces, and I seem to have a dozen pickle forks but no oyster forks.

Miss Manners, forgive my ignorance, what does one use a pickle fork to eat? Do people actually only eat pickles with them? Was there a time when people ate more pickles than they do now?

I associate pickles with outdoor barbeques, not a dinner with silver. My whole family (including the relative who gifted me the silver) is at a loss. Would it be terribly gauche of me to use a pickle fork as an oyster fork instead, so as to get more use out of it?

GENTLE READER: You mean you don't give pickle parties? Well, for goodness' sake, what do you do for fun?

Neither did your ancestors, Miss Manners is guessing. It is true that pickles used to come to the table, rather than being kept outdoors, but not because people sat around making their lips puckered. Pickle forks were used to spear pickles from a pickle dish, unless pickle tongs were being used to spear pickles from a pickle castor.

You could indeed use the three-tined ones as oyster forks, or, if yours have two tines, you could use them as butter picks. Miss Manners is the only person who would notice the substitution, and she promises not to tell.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I volunteer for an organization that helps unemployed women re-enter the workplace. Every year, we hold a silent auction event that raises more than half of the organization's annual budget, and I approach businesses to donate goods or services toward the silent auction. I initially approach the owner or manager by e-mail with a follow-up telephone call and then another follow-up e-mail -- all very clear on why I am contacting them and thanking them in advance for their consideration.

It is amazing to me how many -- the vast majority -- of these businesses do not respond at all! A simple "No, thank you" or "We are unable to participate at this time" would be sufficient. I understand that they may receive many such requests, but to ignore them is frustrating and rude.

Don't they understand that I am a potential customer of their business and the bad impression that this behavior leaves? I thought that, with the difficult economy, businesses would improve their customer service and basic manners. What gives?

GENTLE READER: Far be it from Miss Manners to countenance any failure to respond -- to invitations, presents, favors and other such kindly offers.

But admirable people who are involved with charities tend to forget that an offer to contribute is not really an offer -- it is a solicitation. In such a case, silence is a response. It should be accepted gracefully -- without the sly insinuation that you might become their customer in return for donations -- if for no other reason than that you may want to try them again.

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