DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our new minister has a practice that I find disturbing and inappropriate. When he is notified that a congregant is ill or had surgery, he sends an e-mail (with details) to a list of about 30 people, including the entire staff and officers.

Since e-mail is easy to forward, anyone on that list could share the (sometimes sensitive) information with dozens of friends in just seconds. Is there anyway for me to politely suggest to him that this is an invasion of privacy?

GENTLE READER: There are a great many people today who have never heard of the concept of privacy. So Miss Manners is afraid you had better explain it to your minister.

This is best done with an example: "I know you meant well, but Mrs. Wigglesworth was embarrassed to have everyone know about the state of her uterus."

Lacking such an example, you will simply have to state how you would feel and suggest, somewhat forcefully if necessary, that the minister ask each person's permission before spreading medical reports. Let us hope that he is not rash enough to argue that there is nothing wrong with exposing the state of your body.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an awkward dilemma. We've all heard about people being fired for ranting online about their bosses, coworkers and company policy. Well, a friend of mine ranted about her F-ing boss on Facebook. Her boss is my mother. I don't want to jeopardize this person's career. What to do?

GENTLE READER: Jeopardize this person's career. Your mother may decide to be merciful, but Miss Manners assures you that no civilized person can allow his or her mother to be publicly insulted, deservedly or not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: You have frowned on the wearing of medals or even school ties that were not of your own. However, is it all right to make an exception when your son or daughter whom you have supported through college gives you a tie to wear of the school that they attended?

Certainly I am not trying to indicate that I was a graduate of the school but only that I have a son or daughter who graduated from that institution.

GENTLE READER: You could argue that there is no essential difference between wearing your child's school tie and wearing a sweatshirt with the school's logo or putting its sticker on your car.

But please don't. Just as symbols are arbitrary by definition, so, Miss Manners must remind you, is their use. There is no logical reason that school ties are considered reserved for those who have attended the school, while other items of clothing can indicate any affiliation, from having donated children to just rooting for its team.

But so it is. If you encounter an alumnus who recognizes the tie, your explanation for your inability to indulge in old-school talk of your era would mark you as an imposter. You would not even have the comfort of pronouncing this snobbish, because, Miss Manners reminds you, you do want to advertise your affiliation with the school. That is not only understandable, but much appreciated by colleges, which have whole stores full of logo items exactly for that purpose.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a left handed person, I am offended by your reply that in the act of marrying, a woman stands on the man's left side during the ceremony so she can take his right arm after they are married. Isn't it time that this practice change? Starting with you?

GENTLE READER: This is not the worst case of bigotry and discrimination of which Miss Manners has ever heard. Before you take to the streets in protest, you might consider that standing next to someone, and even offering or taking an arm, does not require use of the hand.

At any rate, if the bride uses her right arm to take the bridegroom's left arm during the ceremony, she uses her left arm to take his right arm for the recessional. Also, Jewish brides stand to the husband's right during the ceremony.

Need we go on, or have you calmed down?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son just turned 3-1/2. He has moderately severe hearing loss and wears hearing aids in both ears. As a result, he has even greater problems with volume control than the standard 3-year-old.

This Saturday afternoon, we were at the library. We looked at books for about 15 minutes, checked some out, and then stopped to put his snow suit on to go out. At this point, a man in his 50s came over to me and asked me to keep my son's voice down. I showed him the hearing aids and said that my son was doing the best he could.

The man was disdainful and walked off saying, "Excuses, excuses. Everybody has excuses."

I was cut to the quick and blush to admit that I called after him, "And you're perfect?"

Had we been inexcusably loud at any point, a librarian would have said something. As we were on our way out, could the man not have suffered another 15 seconds?

In any case, a stranger took it upon himself to school me. I should not have responded by showing him my son's disability and asking for tolerance. I didn't think I was trying to put him in his place, but it's possibly how the man felt. And it's possible that it is what I was trying to do, on an unconscious level. After all, parents are not famous for rational reactions when being approached about how they're handling their kids.

What would have been the polite reaction?

GENTLE READER: The offense that most concerns Miss Manners here is the one you committed against your son. Whether or not he picked up every word, he undoubtedly understood that he was being cited as a special case whose hearing loss excuses him from being considerate of others.

There are two bad lessons here, in addition to the embarrassment he will feel increasingly at being singled out. One is that he can get away with behavior that others cannot, and the other is that he doesn't quite fit in with normal people.

The stranger, while no great example of manners, was correct when he said that you offered an excuse instead of an apology. "Sorry we disturbed you" was all that was necessary.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a professional artist. I show my work frequently and sell many pieces. However, like many independent artists, I don't make as much money as others in regular, full-time employment. I am very lucky to have a supportive spouse helping to cover the household expenses.

When I tell people I am a full-time artist, they often ask if I make enough money to support myself. I usually answer truthfully, saying no, or not yet, and adding that my spouse helps support me.

However, I fear that answering this way leads people to look upon me as a dilettante or a housewife with a hobby, which I am not -- I am a serious professional building a career. I am aware that how much money I earn is nobody's business and I am not obliged to answer these questions at all. I would much appreciate any suggestions for deflecting them -- politely, of course.

GENTLE READER: "Yes, it's a sure road to easy riches. You should try it."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My young teenage daughter is pregnant. She is feeling very ashamed. I wanted to have a baby shower for her, hoping to lift her spirits a little. She said that would be nice, however, she doesn't want to be frowned upon for the mistake she made and the responsibility she is now trying to take care of. A lot of her so-called friends have abandoned her, and it appears that I am one of her only "friends." So the invitation list would include family and my friends.

Is it bad manners or etiquette to have a baby shower for a teenager, and is it "OK" for the mother (soon to be grandmother) to give this shower? I don't want her in 10 years to look back and say I really should have had a baby shower.

GENTLE READER: If you daughter is brooding about not having a baby shower when she is the mother of a 10-year-old, both of them will be in emotional trouble. But that is not to say that she doesn't need as much warm emotional support you and the family can give her now.

Showers are never properly given by relatives, but that is not why Miss Manners begs you not to call it that. Gathering your friends would only call poignant attention to the absence of your daughter's own friends. Also, can you be sure that they will be able to restrain themselves from offering her retroactive advice?

What would be charming, instead, would be to gather the closest family members, the ones who are unequivocally standing by her, or at least willing to do so now that they do not have a choice, to give her a layette for the baby as a welcome into the family.

And yes, of course Miss Manners realizes that it sounds like a shower. The difference is that it emphasizes the support she has rather than the support that is missing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What time is considered polite for adult children to be calling parents for casual conversation?

GENTLE READER: After dinner and before bedtime.

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