DEAR MISS MANNERS: Often, when I purchase food or a beverage at a coffee shop which is attached to a large bookstore, I find there is no place to sit down because the tables are being hogged up by persons who have not bought anything to consume. They are writing letters, reading magazines or perusing books they have no intention of buying, doing homework on their laptops, or having conversation back and forth between two tables when they could easily be sitting at the same table.

The management seems oblivious to this problem. Is there a polite way to ask someone who is not a coffee shop customer to vacate their table and make way for the people who are real customers?

GENTLE READER: If you want to manage a coffee shop, Miss Manners suggests you first talk to those who do. It may be that they do better selling books by being a neighborhood center than they would by checking to see that the tables are occupied only by people who are eating and drinking.

In any case, they probably do not want you to scold their clientele. Your hope of changing their policy would be to tell the manager that you love coming there to eat but are discouraged by your inability to find space.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I do not like to be hugged. I am affectionate with my husband, and we hug daily and often in our own home. Also, I recognize that there are situations where you must bite the bullet and accept the offered hug as a greeting: children, the affectionate aunt who has hugged you every time she has seen you since the day you were born, etc.

My main problem is with random people, such as friends of my parents, who decide to hug me as a greeting after I have met them for the first time, or, more recently, my 35-year-old male cousin. He greeted me with what can only be described as a prolonged back-rub and when he left, he gave me a hug that would have gotten him arrested throughout most of the country!

When I mentioned to my parents that I thought this was inappropriate, they responded that "he likes to hug" and informed me that I should just suck it up.

Why should I submit to unwelcome (and often creepy) touching because someone else is completely clueless about what is and is not appropriate behavior? I usually avoid these situations by offering a hand for a handshake pre-emptively or by side-stepping the hug and giving a light squeeze around the shoulders. I have found that these methods usually get my point across without offending the person involved, but some people are just too thick to pick up on these cues. Suggestions please!

GENTLE READER: "Ow!"

This must be said just loud enough for others to hear, but in a tone that seems startled, rather than accusatory. Then Miss Manners insists that you follow it with a self-deprecatory laugh and an apology: "I'm terribly sorry; I'm a bit sensitive. But how very nice to see you."

No doubt the gentleman will attempt to recover by saying something like, "You sure are." But he will be wary of you of you in the future.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Twice now, I have met potential dates over the Internet, and after some e-mailing we met in person over coffee or lunch. I would expect a gracious person who had decided, at the end of this event, that he wanted to see me again to say something like, "I enjoyed myself very much. May I see you again?"

Instead, on two occasions, I have received the very blunt question, "Well, what did you think?"

I was not prepared for a pop quiz, particularly with no indication as to whether I was of interest or not!

In one case, I thought that his self-image was about 50 pounds lighter than reality, and in another that his teeth were much worse than in his picture. My training kept these words in my head rather than my mouth, while I fumbled and said that I'd enjoyed myself, which was not true.

However, I think that in each case, I was feeling rather favorably disposed toward possibly meeting again until that horrid question came up. Please, what is the correct way to handle this delicate situation?

GENTLE READER: These gentlemen are being not only brusque, but rash. There are a great many mannerless people around who would be only too ready to consider this an invitation to give them an earful. Miss Manners congratulates you for refraining.

Still, you are stuck with that unanswerable question. The way not to answer it is to say, "I hardly know what to think."

If you have some interest in pursing the acquaintance, this can be said with a coy smile as if his presence has thrown you into pleasant confusion. If you don't, then say it straight.

Miss Manners can see why the question itself, more than the bad teeth, would kill your interest. While it is evident that he would not ask what you thought unless he favored you, it is cowardice for a gentleman to ask about a lady's feelings before divulging his own.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On formal mail, such as wedding invitations, a married woman who is a doctor is addressed as Mrs., correct? For example, the invitation would say "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, not Mr. John Smith and Dr. Susan Smith," right? If so, what is the reason behind this rule?

GENTLE READER: Well, you know Susan Smith and Miss Manners does not. So you should know if she is likely to consider the invitation an insult and give you an indignant talk about how hard she worked to become a doctor and how she does not consider herself a mere appendage of her husband.

Sigh. Things were easier -- or at least it was easier to address wedding invitations -- when people accepted standard conventions without subjecting them to analysis. And it is more likely to be a harsh analysis than the notion -- so foreign to today's thinking -- that a lady might want to use the old forms.

But everyone does analyze and hardly anyone knows what a private identity of any kind is. You risk less offence by using two lines to address such couples: "Dr. Susan Smith/Mr. John Smith."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I serve on the Board of Directors of a nonprofit YMCA Camp, which was founded decades ago by my husband's father and bears his name. It is dear to our family and does wonderful things for children, including providing "camperships" for children not able to afford camp tuition on their own.

This year, our board sent out personalized letters to friends and family members soliciting donations to the Camp's Annual Fund Campaign. My letter made it abundantly clear that no amount was too small to make a difference to this camp, which is struggling to survive in a difficult economic time.

I chose the recipients of my letters carefully and sent only to long-established friends

a) who I felt could easily afford to give something

b) who have been guests at our home for lavish dinners and parties many times, at least once in 2008.

c) for whom we have often done personal favors -- for them or their children.

A few were friends who have solicited us for donations to their favorite charities, and we have responded with gifts each time, sometimes generously.

Most responded with donations. Some wrote that they were not able to give at this time but wanted to be kept on a list for next year's campaign. Some said they already had charities to whom they donated to the limit of their abilities.

What do I do or say to the few who failed to respond in any way, not even the courtesy of a reply? One friend advised that it is incumbent on me to call to assure that they received the letter. If it didn't reach them, then my disappointment in them is unfounded. On the other hand, if I call or write and they either don't respond at all or are discomfited by my importunity, what then?

This is really disturbing to me. Two of these people are very good friends, and I feel awkward even seeing them at this point.

GENTLE READER: It is not surprising that you feel awkward. You are harboring an improper expectation that puts you on the verge of embarrassing your friends, possibly to the extent of terminating your friendships.

It is one thing to solicit charity funds from your friends, although Miss Manners does not care for your selection B, which suggests a payback for your hospitality. It is quite another to demand that those who do not donate provide you with an excuse.

Solicitations do not require "the courtesy of a response." Courtesy, in this case, consists of not prying into how people budget their money.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have invited a couple to a game evening and dinner party that requires a certain number of roleplaying participants. At the time of the invitation, we asked for a prompt response so that we could invite another couple if they couldn't make it.

Despite several requests, and reminders that we need a prompt response, it is now two days before the party and they have still not given a straight answer as to whether or not they will come. We would normally never dream of rescinding an invitation, but how can a situation like this be properly handled without ruining the party for everyone else?

GENTLE READER: By inviting politer guests. You are not rescinding an invitation, Miss Manners assures you; you are politely assuming that if they had wanted to attend, they would have let you know.

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