DEAR MISS MANNERS: Twice now, I have met potential dates over the Internet, and after some e-mailing we met in person over coffee or lunch. I would expect a gracious person who had decided, at the end of this event, that he wanted to see me again to say something like, "I enjoyed myself very much. May I see you again?"

Instead, on two occasions, I have received the very blunt question, "Well, what did you think?"

I was not prepared for a pop quiz, particularly with no indication as to whether I was of interest or not!

In one case, I thought that his self-image was about 50 pounds lighter than reality, and in another that his teeth were much worse than in his picture. My training kept these words in my head rather than my mouth, while I fumbled and said that I'd enjoyed myself, which was not true.

However, I think that in each case, I was feeling rather favorably disposed toward possibly meeting again until that horrid question came up. Please, what is the correct way to handle this delicate situation?

GENTLE READER: These gentlemen are being not only brusque, but rash. There are a great many mannerless people around who would be only too ready to consider this an invitation to give them an earful. Miss Manners congratulates you for refraining.

Still, you are stuck with that unanswerable question. The way not to answer it is to say, "I hardly know what to think."

If you have some interest in pursing the acquaintance, this can be said with a coy smile as if his presence has thrown you into pleasant confusion. If you don't, then say it straight.

Miss Manners can see why the question itself, more than the bad teeth, would kill your interest. While it is evident that he would not ask what you thought unless he favored you, it is cowardice for a gentleman to ask about a lady's feelings before divulging his own.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On formal mail, such as wedding invitations, a married woman who is a doctor is addressed as Mrs., correct? For example, the invitation would say "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, not Mr. John Smith and Dr. Susan Smith," right? If so, what is the reason behind this rule?

GENTLE READER: Well, you know Susan Smith and Miss Manners does not. So you should know if she is likely to consider the invitation an insult and give you an indignant talk about how hard she worked to become a doctor and how she does not consider herself a mere appendage of her husband.

Sigh. Things were easier -- or at least it was easier to address wedding invitations -- when people accepted standard conventions without subjecting them to analysis. And it is more likely to be a harsh analysis than the notion -- so foreign to today's thinking -- that a lady might want to use the old forms.

But everyone does analyze and hardly anyone knows what a private identity of any kind is. You risk less offence by using two lines to address such couples: "Dr. Susan Smith/Mr. John Smith."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I serve on the Board of Directors of a nonprofit YMCA Camp, which was founded decades ago by my husband's father and bears his name. It is dear to our family and does wonderful things for children, including providing "camperships" for children not able to afford camp tuition on their own.

This year, our board sent out personalized letters to friends and family members soliciting donations to the Camp's Annual Fund Campaign. My letter made it abundantly clear that no amount was too small to make a difference to this camp, which is struggling to survive in a difficult economic time.

I chose the recipients of my letters carefully and sent only to long-established friends

a) who I felt could easily afford to give something

b) who have been guests at our home for lavish dinners and parties many times, at least once in 2008.

c) for whom we have often done personal favors -- for them or their children.

A few were friends who have solicited us for donations to their favorite charities, and we have responded with gifts each time, sometimes generously.

Most responded with donations. Some wrote that they were not able to give at this time but wanted to be kept on a list for next year's campaign. Some said they already had charities to whom they donated to the limit of their abilities.

What do I do or say to the few who failed to respond in any way, not even the courtesy of a reply? One friend advised that it is incumbent on me to call to assure that they received the letter. If it didn't reach them, then my disappointment in them is unfounded. On the other hand, if I call or write and they either don't respond at all or are discomfited by my importunity, what then?

This is really disturbing to me. Two of these people are very good friends, and I feel awkward even seeing them at this point.

GENTLE READER: It is not surprising that you feel awkward. You are harboring an improper expectation that puts you on the verge of embarrassing your friends, possibly to the extent of terminating your friendships.

It is one thing to solicit charity funds from your friends, although Miss Manners does not care for your selection B, which suggests a payback for your hospitality. It is quite another to demand that those who do not donate provide you with an excuse.

Solicitations do not require "the courtesy of a response." Courtesy, in this case, consists of not prying into how people budget their money.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have invited a couple to a game evening and dinner party that requires a certain number of roleplaying participants. At the time of the invitation, we asked for a prompt response so that we could invite another couple if they couldn't make it.

Despite several requests, and reminders that we need a prompt response, it is now two days before the party and they have still not given a straight answer as to whether or not they will come. We would normally never dream of rescinding an invitation, but how can a situation like this be properly handled without ruining the party for everyone else?

GENTLE READER: By inviting politer guests. You are not rescinding an invitation, Miss Manners assures you; you are politely assuming that if they had wanted to attend, they would have let you know.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When did the tradition of having others pin money to your shirt on your birthday come about? How did this originate? Is it some modern take on an old tradition?

It just seems like a tasteless excuse to beg for money to me. Am I wrong?

In case you are new to it as well, here is a common scenario:

A person comes to school or work, usually arriving with some money already safety-pinned to his or her shirt. A lot of people who are aware of the tradition say, "Happy Birthday!" and donate some money.

The first time I saw this, I asked the birthday girl why she had money pinned to her shirt. She replied that it was her birthday and that people are free to add more. She was surprised that I did not know of the tradition. I felt really awkward, said "Oh, Happy Birthday!" and walked away.

I prefer writing cards for my friends' birthdays. They seem a lot more personal. For close friends and relatives, I generally give a present. Should I loosen up and donate to all of those, whom I wouldn't normally give a gift or a card, some money to pin to their shirt? Is it impolite not to donate?

Most of the time, I would never have known it was the person's birthday until I saw the birthday money. Obviously, these people are not close to me at all, but what happens if a close friend starts doing this? I need a lesson.

GENTLE READER: It is getting so that when Miss Manners hears the word "tradition" nowadays, she knows that 1) it is going to involve collecting money, and 2) it is not going to be something that has ever appeared in any etiquette archives, anywhere or at any time.

You may be assured that propriety does not require you to treat your colleagues like strippers trolling for tips, however much they would relish this. Nor are you required to pay them or, for that matter, your friends, for passing Go.

Miss Manners recommends your continuing to be puzzled about this peculiar procedure, no matter how many times it is explained to you, and to continue replying, "Oh, Happy Birthday" and moving on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have noticed that children nowadays refer to teachers as Ms. Smith. I was raised to address a teacher as Mrs. Smith (if she is married). I have a 13-week-old, and I want her to learn to call people as Miss, Ms., or Mrs. Am I being too old-fashioned? How should she address teachers?

GENTLE READER: Your daughter is 13 weeks old, and you are already musing about getting her into trouble in school?

Miss Manners commends you for insisting on the use of titles, but not for quarreling about which one. As these methods of address are equally proper, you would put her in the position of defending a policy that is contrary to the general usage, and possibly disobeying her teacher's instructions.

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