DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I serve on the Board of Directors of a nonprofit YMCA Camp, which was founded decades ago by my husband's father and bears his name. It is dear to our family and does wonderful things for children, including providing "camperships" for children not able to afford camp tuition on their own.

This year, our board sent out personalized letters to friends and family members soliciting donations to the Camp's Annual Fund Campaign. My letter made it abundantly clear that no amount was too small to make a difference to this camp, which is struggling to survive in a difficult economic time.

I chose the recipients of my letters carefully and sent only to long-established friends

a) who I felt could easily afford to give something

b) who have been guests at our home for lavish dinners and parties many times, at least once in 2008.

c) for whom we have often done personal favors -- for them or their children.

A few were friends who have solicited us for donations to their favorite charities, and we have responded with gifts each time, sometimes generously.

Most responded with donations. Some wrote that they were not able to give at this time but wanted to be kept on a list for next year's campaign. Some said they already had charities to whom they donated to the limit of their abilities.

What do I do or say to the few who failed to respond in any way, not even the courtesy of a reply? One friend advised that it is incumbent on me to call to assure that they received the letter. If it didn't reach them, then my disappointment in them is unfounded. On the other hand, if I call or write and they either don't respond at all or are discomfited by my importunity, what then?

This is really disturbing to me. Two of these people are very good friends, and I feel awkward even seeing them at this point.

GENTLE READER: It is not surprising that you feel awkward. You are harboring an improper expectation that puts you on the verge of embarrassing your friends, possibly to the extent of terminating your friendships.

It is one thing to solicit charity funds from your friends, although Miss Manners does not care for your selection B, which suggests a payback for your hospitality. It is quite another to demand that those who do not donate provide you with an excuse.

Solicitations do not require "the courtesy of a response." Courtesy, in this case, consists of not prying into how people budget their money.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have invited a couple to a game evening and dinner party that requires a certain number of roleplaying participants. At the time of the invitation, we asked for a prompt response so that we could invite another couple if they couldn't make it.

Despite several requests, and reminders that we need a prompt response, it is now two days before the party and they have still not given a straight answer as to whether or not they will come. We would normally never dream of rescinding an invitation, but how can a situation like this be properly handled without ruining the party for everyone else?

GENTLE READER: By inviting politer guests. You are not rescinding an invitation, Miss Manners assures you; you are politely assuming that if they had wanted to attend, they would have let you know.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When did the tradition of having others pin money to your shirt on your birthday come about? How did this originate? Is it some modern take on an old tradition?

It just seems like a tasteless excuse to beg for money to me. Am I wrong?

In case you are new to it as well, here is a common scenario:

A person comes to school or work, usually arriving with some money already safety-pinned to his or her shirt. A lot of people who are aware of the tradition say, "Happy Birthday!" and donate some money.

The first time I saw this, I asked the birthday girl why she had money pinned to her shirt. She replied that it was her birthday and that people are free to add more. She was surprised that I did not know of the tradition. I felt really awkward, said "Oh, Happy Birthday!" and walked away.

I prefer writing cards for my friends' birthdays. They seem a lot more personal. For close friends and relatives, I generally give a present. Should I loosen up and donate to all of those, whom I wouldn't normally give a gift or a card, some money to pin to their shirt? Is it impolite not to donate?

Most of the time, I would never have known it was the person's birthday until I saw the birthday money. Obviously, these people are not close to me at all, but what happens if a close friend starts doing this? I need a lesson.

GENTLE READER: It is getting so that when Miss Manners hears the word "tradition" nowadays, she knows that 1) it is going to involve collecting money, and 2) it is not going to be something that has ever appeared in any etiquette archives, anywhere or at any time.

You may be assured that propriety does not require you to treat your colleagues like strippers trolling for tips, however much they would relish this. Nor are you required to pay them or, for that matter, your friends, for passing Go.

Miss Manners recommends your continuing to be puzzled about this peculiar procedure, no matter how many times it is explained to you, and to continue replying, "Oh, Happy Birthday" and moving on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have noticed that children nowadays refer to teachers as Ms. Smith. I was raised to address a teacher as Mrs. Smith (if she is married). I have a 13-week-old, and I want her to learn to call people as Miss, Ms., or Mrs. Am I being too old-fashioned? How should she address teachers?

GENTLE READER: Your daughter is 13 weeks old, and you are already musing about getting her into trouble in school?

Miss Manners commends you for insisting on the use of titles, but not for quarreling about which one. As these methods of address are equally proper, you would put her in the position of defending a policy that is contrary to the general usage, and possibly disobeying her teacher's instructions.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I have visitors who stay the night, I always have fluffy fresh towels and lovely glass jars with feminine products clearly visible, discreetly placed on a shelf by the toilet so guests won't have to embarrass themselves by asking me for them or go hunting for them under the sink. I keep a jar of orange juice, water and coffee cups out in view. where they can clearly be used for guests. And to my great joy, my guests DO take me up on these gestures and partake in my hospitality.

However, I think they take more than they should. For instance, on one visit, my guests 2 two inches worth of a bottle of very expensive salon shampoo of mine. They used an entire tube of toothpaste in one weekend. I find some of my nicest and prettiest body wash down to the last drop after they leave.

So I kindly and tactfully told the girlfriends of these fellas that though I love them as visitors, I don't love having to buy shampoo every week, and would they please encourage the guys to bring their own toiletries on visits. I also took to removing all my shampoo and soap from the shower before they arrive. Is this OK? Am I being unkind in doing these things?

GENTLE READER: Unkind to your idea of yourself as being hospitable, as you have set yourself up to chastise your guests.

Miss Manners recommends small bottles and tubes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I are planning to get married soon with invites sent out and responses received. We have a beautiful son together who has an important role in our wedding. We have previously invited several people, mainly friends, who, since learning that our son will be participating, have become disagreeable. They have previously professed to adore our son even though they don't agree with the manner in which he was conceived. They are now being so rude that we no longer want them to attend the wedding. They don't believe children under 18 should be in a wedding or even allowed to attend a wedding, especially one conceived outside of wedlock. They believed we should have married before our son was born.

Is there any way to politely uninvite them even though they have already sent in their response cards saying that they will be here? Since they have announced this view, we haven't spent much time with them, as our son is so important to us .

GENTLE READER: There may be extreme cases in which an invited guest has to be barred from the wedding, in which case the form is to say, "Considering how you feel, we don't think you would be happy attending."

But if this were said to all those holding opinions about the courtship and the ceremony, everyone would get married in isolation. Mind you, Miss Manners considers it dreadful to voice such opinions even, as often happens, when the couple seem to discuss their plans thoroughly enough to appear to invite comment. However, she would suggest letting this go. They are unlikely to critique the wedding while it is going on and may well revert afterwards to saying how adorable your son is.

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