DEAR MISS MANNERS: A group with whom I was hiking in Peru passed close to a woman and a boy working the land on a picturesque hillside. Each of my fellow tourists photographed them as they walked by. The people at work did not visibly react.

In the towns, one sees local country people who come in their traditional clothing, with their animals, solely to make money posing for photographs, which is perhaps why the farmer photographs made me uncomfortable. It seemed to me that the people should have been offered payment for their participation, or at least asked permission.

I didn't do anything, but the interaction seemed a bit insulting to the people at work, treating them as part of the scenery. Should I have apologized to them or offered them some payment? I did not know the other people on the tour, although that would not have been obvious to an observer.

GENTLE READER: You are to be commended on your ability to distinguish human beings from scenery.

Miss Manners means that sincerely. As you noticed, an amazing number of people are unable to make this leap.

Nor is the problem confined to photographing picturesque foreigners. Since cameras became almost standard equipment on telephones, strangers, friends and relatives all find themselves the unauthorized subjects of photographs, often posted on the Internet for all the world to see.

The universal rule is that you must ask people's permission before photographing them. And anyone contemplating saying yes would be wise to ask what use will be made of the pictures.

So unless the Peruvians were shown as merely small figures in a landscape, your fellow tourists were at best callous.

However commendable your desire to correct this, you must be cautious about your own manners. It is now hard for Americans to imagine that being offered money could be construed as an insult, but in the America of a century ago, it was, and there are places where dignity is still considered more important. Tipping is not as ingrained a custom in Peru as here, and the fact that some Peruvians work as models does not mean that all do.

Had your companions asked in advance, they would have given their subjects the chance to say that they charged. After the fact, you could have provided the opening by saying, "Thank you, I hope we didn't disturb you."

Choking on the "we," when you dearly hoped to disassociate yourself from the group? It's to protect you from yet another rudeness, that of chastising them before others. Sorry.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a niece that addresses all mail Mr. and Mrs. Smith. She never includes the first name of anyone. We feel this is disrespectful.

GENTLE READER: Well, no. Miss Manners begs you not to find imaginary insults in someone who is first of all, writing to you, and second, using honorifics. Both habits have become rare.

Traditionally, omitting the first names like that indicates that you are THE Smiths -- the heads of the family or its most distinguished members. See if you can find an insult in that.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We received the following request from a young, college-educated couple (one is an attorney): "... would you prayerfully consider giving a one-time financial gift to help with the arrival of our new baby?"

We do not want to help them raise their new baby. Do we respond in any way, or do we ignore the request? I am excited only because I am certain this is the biggest faux pas of this century.

GENTLE READER: Possibly, but there is a lot of competition, now that self-supporting people have entered the pitiful world of begging.

As with all charitable solicitations, you may ignore this. However, since this comes from acquaintances, Miss Manners would also permit you to express compassion that this young couple is destitute at such an important time in their lives, and to suggest social services that may be prepared to help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: So my girlfriends and I are in debate as to the order we should wear our left-hand rings. The engagement, wedding and anniversary/eternity rings -- which comes first, and in which order should they be?

Some swear the wedding band goes first. Others say the engagement ring is first to be close to their hearts. Some think the anniversary ring comes last because that's the order it was received. Others say the eternity ring should be on a different finger altogether.

Please help! While having three nice rings from one's husband is hardly a hardship, the debate is starting to put a strain on our friendships.

GENTLE READER: Much as she hates to derail such an emotional melee, Miss Manners has to admit that tradition forgot to care about the order in which the rings were received. It puts the wedding ring closest to the palm (which she supposes eventually leads to the heart) and the engagement ring next, with that delightful but recent innovation, the anniversary ring, wherever it looks best.

Anyway, shouldn't the sentiment attached to each increase with the length of the bond it symbolizes?

Oops, now you've drawn Miss Manners into this. If you want your engagement ring to be closer to your heart, you need only go around pointing to your chest.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and her daughter (26 and 6) were in a tight situation with her boyfriend and had to leave the area running. They moved in with the thought that it will only be a couple weeks. Four months later, she still has not paid any rent, does minimal if any chores around the house and has me babysit so she can work. The line between being nice and being used has been crossed, but I do not know how to confront her. What is the etiquette to kicking family out?

GENTLE READER: One does not kick out family members. Miss Manners prefers showing sympathy with their position, saying, for example, "It has been wonderful having you here, and we were glad to be of help to you when you needed it. But I'm sure you want your own place now so that both you and we can regain our privacy."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My spouse is an employee for the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta. As someone who works for the organization, he feels that he is morally bound to notify every smoker we meet that smoking is dangerous to one's health. It doesn't matter how well he knows the individuals, or the nature of the situation.

My perspective is that at this point in time, all smokers are well aware of the dangers of smoking and that pointing out such dangers to them is rude and annoying. Does a 52-year-old well-educated and informed smoker really need to be reminded of the dangers of smoking while at a cocktail party?

I have asked him to stop doing this when I am with him due to the reaction I have seen on the faces of those he has reminded. He says that if someone else brings it up first, he has every right to throw in his 2 cents on the matter.

I would be very interested in knowing the appropriate way to handle such a situation.

GENTLE READER: When your husband says that others bring up this subject, what exactly does he report their saying?

"I've heard that smoking is good for the lungs"?

In that case, he should certainly remark that the opposite is true. If the question is whether he minds if someone smokes in front of him, he can admit quietly that he does. The first qualifies as conversation, and the second as a polite request concerning a matter that affects him.

What he cannot do without being insufferable is to monitor the behavior of other guests. They know that smoking is bad for their health, as are eating that second helping of dessert and propositioning another guest's spouse. But it is their lookout.

You know all that, so Miss Manners supposes you are hoping for an argument that your husband will accept. You might point out that nagging often has the opposite effect, and that by challenging adults, he may actually be making the problem worse. This will work best if you can mention an example where your nagging him has been ineffective.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother came to this country in the early 1900s with no education. She insisted that we kids put food in our mouth with the fork tines up, never down. My Brit friends call it very wrong. Please advise.

GENTLE READER: Your mother educated herself -- and you -- correctly about American manners. Your friends are correct about British manners, but they are violating international manners by criticizing your mother. They are also, Miss Manners notices, negating the pleasures of travel by expecting to encounter British manners wherever they go.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should a period be used after the "s" in Ms? Some say since it is not a true abbreviation, the period should not be used. Others say yes.

GENTLE READER: It is an abbreviation, so yes. "Ms." is an abbreviated form for the centuries-old and once-respectable title "Mistress," of which "Mrs." is also an abbreviation. Miss Manners' own title comes from the same word, so she is grateful that you did not ask her to explain why it lacks such punctuation.

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