DEAR MISS MANNERS: We received the following request from a young, college-educated couple (one is an attorney): "... would you prayerfully consider giving a one-time financial gift to help with the arrival of our new baby?"

We do not want to help them raise their new baby. Do we respond in any way, or do we ignore the request? I am excited only because I am certain this is the biggest faux pas of this century.

GENTLE READER: Possibly, but there is a lot of competition, now that self-supporting people have entered the pitiful world of begging.

As with all charitable solicitations, you may ignore this. However, since this comes from acquaintances, Miss Manners would also permit you to express compassion that this young couple is destitute at such an important time in their lives, and to suggest social services that may be prepared to help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: So my girlfriends and I are in debate as to the order we should wear our left-hand rings. The engagement, wedding and anniversary/eternity rings -- which comes first, and in which order should they be?

Some swear the wedding band goes first. Others say the engagement ring is first to be close to their hearts. Some think the anniversary ring comes last because that's the order it was received. Others say the eternity ring should be on a different finger altogether.

Please help! While having three nice rings from one's husband is hardly a hardship, the debate is starting to put a strain on our friendships.

GENTLE READER: Much as she hates to derail such an emotional melee, Miss Manners has to admit that tradition forgot to care about the order in which the rings were received. It puts the wedding ring closest to the palm (which she supposes eventually leads to the heart) and the engagement ring next, with that delightful but recent innovation, the anniversary ring, wherever it looks best.

Anyway, shouldn't the sentiment attached to each increase with the length of the bond it symbolizes?

Oops, now you've drawn Miss Manners into this. If you want your engagement ring to be closer to your heart, you need only go around pointing to your chest.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and her daughter (26 and 6) were in a tight situation with her boyfriend and had to leave the area running. They moved in with the thought that it will only be a couple weeks. Four months later, she still has not paid any rent, does minimal if any chores around the house and has me babysit so she can work. The line between being nice and being used has been crossed, but I do not know how to confront her. What is the etiquette to kicking family out?

GENTLE READER: One does not kick out family members. Miss Manners prefers showing sympathy with their position, saying, for example, "It has been wonderful having you here, and we were glad to be of help to you when you needed it. But I'm sure you want your own place now so that both you and we can regain our privacy."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My spouse is an employee for the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta. As someone who works for the organization, he feels that he is morally bound to notify every smoker we meet that smoking is dangerous to one's health. It doesn't matter how well he knows the individuals, or the nature of the situation.

My perspective is that at this point in time, all smokers are well aware of the dangers of smoking and that pointing out such dangers to them is rude and annoying. Does a 52-year-old well-educated and informed smoker really need to be reminded of the dangers of smoking while at a cocktail party?

I have asked him to stop doing this when I am with him due to the reaction I have seen on the faces of those he has reminded. He says that if someone else brings it up first, he has every right to throw in his 2 cents on the matter.

I would be very interested in knowing the appropriate way to handle such a situation.

GENTLE READER: When your husband says that others bring up this subject, what exactly does he report their saying?

"I've heard that smoking is good for the lungs"?

In that case, he should certainly remark that the opposite is true. If the question is whether he minds if someone smokes in front of him, he can admit quietly that he does. The first qualifies as conversation, and the second as a polite request concerning a matter that affects him.

What he cannot do without being insufferable is to monitor the behavior of other guests. They know that smoking is bad for their health, as are eating that second helping of dessert and propositioning another guest's spouse. But it is their lookout.

You know all that, so Miss Manners supposes you are hoping for an argument that your husband will accept. You might point out that nagging often has the opposite effect, and that by challenging adults, he may actually be making the problem worse. This will work best if you can mention an example where your nagging him has been ineffective.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother came to this country in the early 1900s with no education. She insisted that we kids put food in our mouth with the fork tines up, never down. My Brit friends call it very wrong. Please advise.

GENTLE READER: Your mother educated herself -- and you -- correctly about American manners. Your friends are correct about British manners, but they are violating international manners by criticizing your mother. They are also, Miss Manners notices, negating the pleasures of travel by expecting to encounter British manners wherever they go.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should a period be used after the "s" in Ms? Some say since it is not a true abbreviation, the period should not be used. Others say yes.

GENTLE READER: It is an abbreviation, so yes. "Ms." is an abbreviated form for the centuries-old and once-respectable title "Mistress," of which "Mrs." is also an abbreviation. Miss Manners' own title comes from the same word, so she is grateful that you did not ask her to explain why it lacks such punctuation.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My financial situation has changed recently, and not for the better. I am in a quandary about how to deal with invitations to events that I cannot afford.

These aren't invitations to extravagant balls, but invitations to meet for meals at moderately priced restaurants I used to frequent with them, or attend movies and concerts at venues that used to be in my price range.

If I explain that finances are too tight, instead of changing plans, they offer to pay my share. While I appreciate their generosity, I don't always want to divulge my financial difficulties, nor am I comfortable having other people pay my share all the time.

When I initiate events, I do so in ways that are affordable to me and I believe they will enjoy, too, such as meeting for coffee or inviting them for a meal at my house.

Do you have any advice about how I can respond to others' invitations in a way that doesn't require me to divulge too much personal information, be a constant charity recipient or insult them by simply refusing?

GENTLE READER: With a bit of effort, you can be in the position of doing your friends a great service. Even if they are not feeling the pinch themselves these days -- and few people are not -- they may welcome a change from their routine.

So do some research about cheap eating places and free events, and start suggesting the outings. Expensive is not necessarily better, in Miss Manners' experience, and if you choose well, you needn't mention that cost was a factor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am appalled that on more than several occasions, I have had friends, family or employers assume that since they don't have lunch (during an entire day when I'm helping them), neither do I.

At the very least, I would like them to state, "I don't have lunch, but you're welcome to do so at this time, if you chose." I don't think it's my place to bring it up, since I'm on their turf.

I end up very starving and very angry.

In my opinion, it's highly disrespectful to assume that someone who is helping you has no interest in lunch. I have a very high metabolism, and I'm hungry every two/three hours. I typically eat at 11:30 a.m. or 12 noon each day. I would never let a friend, relative or employee go without lunch, and I am amazed that people even consider conducting themselves in this manner. It's not only extremely rude but it also prevents a person from gaining more energy to help these lovely people who assume that I don't want sustenance at this normal hour.

GENTLE READER: Feeling grouchy, are we? Have a sandwich; you'll feel better.

Miss Manners cannot offer you one at the moment, but she can offer you the means to get one. Simply ask, "When are we breaking for lunch?" While your hosts certainly should have offered, it is not odd for you to ask because, you point out, lunch is part of the normal routine.

Should the answer be "Oh, I never have lunch," you can cheerfully reply, "Well, I do, so I think I'll take a break and go get some." In cases where you are doing a favor, you might add,

"So maybe we should break for the day."

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