DEAR MISS MANNERS: Because my job is to embrace cultural differences, I try to keep an open mind -- especially when it comes to food. However, I had a host who was preparing a food I know very well (it was not exactly a specialty of the region I was touring) and asked if I like it, which I most certainly do not. Because she was already well into her preparations, I didn't want her to feel obligated to make me something different, so I panicked and said that I didn't know it, and only took a small portion at dinner, reacting neutrally to it. For the rest of the week, she continued to serve me this food.

What would have been the polite thing to say in order to avoid this uncomfortable situation?

GENTLE READER: Was she preparing it in a pot the size of an oil drum?

The first time you were stuck, Miss Manners agrees. Perhaps even the second time, because you could hardly have expected a second dose. But surely that was the time to say, "Please allow me to take you out to dinner tomorrow. I'd like to try some of the regional specialties."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a scheduling center for a large medical practice. We have a computer system that looks up patients by their last names and birthdays. After the computer searches, it gives me a list of results. I will typically ask ,"Is this (insert first name here)?"

However, sometimes the patient will have a first name that I cannot pronounce. Is it better to give it a try and attempt to say the name, or is it better to ask for their first name as well as the last? Some patients seem thrilled when I guess (especially if I get it right), but others just seem annoyed.

GENTLE READER: Why is this a problem? If you do not know how to pronounce their names, Miss Manners assures you that you are not on sufficiently intimate terms with them to address them by their first names.

Should you have trouble with a surname, you can add, after trying it, "Did I pronounce that right?" But Miss Manners forbids you to use that technique as an excuse to call patients by their first names.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to respond to someone who tells you they "love" you when you don't necessarily feel the same way about them?

I don't mean in a romantic situation. Recently, my father's wife has started telling me she loves me and ending phone calls that way. We don't see each other very often and haven't known each other very long. While we have a perfectly cordial relationship, I don't feel love for her.

My reply is usually an awkward, "It's been great to talk to you" or "take care." These conversation enders make me uncomfortable. I sense she's expecting reciprocation and is sad when it doesn't come. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but don't feel right professing love I don't feel.

GENTLE READER: You may be able to get away with am enthusiastically declared compliment, such as "You're wonderful."

In a romantic situation, the you're-such-a-nice-person approach translates as "Forget it." But Miss Manners is guessing that your stepmother is hoping merely for acceptance, which can be conveyed in other ways.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are a very noticeable family, as our children are black and my husband and I are white. As such, we draw an inordinate amount of attention.

While this was manageable when the girls were infants and couldn't really understand what was being said, now that they are getting older and are acquiring language, we are trying our best to learn how to field some of the questions that we get. While we are very happy with how we formed our family through adoption and are always happy to discuss our experience, preferably out of the girls' earshot, what leaves us stammering are questions such as "Where'd you get them?" "How much did they cost?" "Are they real siblings?" "Is their family dead?" "What'd they die of, AIDS?" "Couldn't you have your own children?"

I've tried asking with the slightest of remonstration "Excuse me?" but, of course, that just led them to believe that I couldn't hear what was being asked and the question was repeated even more loudly.

We want to equip our children with the tools to deal with these sorts of people, as they will be encountering them throughout their lives. And this is their story, their personal information being asked. I would never think to ask someone with a newborn, "So, how much was the hospital bill?" or "Do they all have the same father?" And, for the record, these are my own children.

On the other side of the coin are the generally very well-meaning people who say "God bless you for saving those children" or "They'll have such a better life now."

We merely wanted a family, we didn't adopt to "save" anyone, and I can't say that they will have a better life. Yes, there are things that we can provide that their family couldn't. But they also lost their family, their country, their language and their culture. Their life will be different, but I can't say that it will be better, and I don't ever want to dismiss what they have lost.

I also never, ever want them to feel indebted to us. They owe us nothing, or, at least, no more than any other child owes a parent, and I feel that these questions could easily make them feel like they should be grateful or thankful for being adopted.

What is the gracious way to handle these questions so that we can model for our children the appropriate responses?

GENTLE READER: Nosy people have already proven themselves to be rude, so you should hardly expect them to make tactful remarks. The important thing is to cut them off at the first question. The only explanation necessary is, "That's personal."

But you must also teach your daughters not to fall for two common arguments: that curiosity is natural and that people who don't disclose personal information must be ashamed of it. Dignified people value their privacy, and being curious is no excuse for demanding that it be satisfied. Under such pressure, they should merely smile and repeat "That's personal" as often as necessary.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Let's say that you're throwing an informal social gathering You put together the guest list and invite around 20 people.

Somehow, by mistake, an additional person gets an invitation. The person is a casual acquaintance of yours. You neither like nor dislike him, it's just "someone you know." He has not made any unwarranted assumptions -- he did get an invitation, and has contacted you back and said, "Great, sounds like fun, I'll be there."

What would you do? Would you (a) call him and civilly cancel the invitation; (b) drop hints that you didn't really want him there (don't return his phone calls, etc.) and hope he gets the idea; (c) put another chair by the pool and buy one extra person's worth of food, drinks, etc.; or (d) some other option (if so, what)?

If you chose (c), how would you behave toward him at the social gathering? Any differently than toward your other guests? If so, how?

My friend who recently found herself in that situation, went for choice (b) and admitted this to me. (He did get the hint and didn't attend.) I've been trying to explain to her why the correct answers are (c) and "treat him like any other guest -- be friendly, thank him for coming, make him feel welcome, etc." -- and why it was rather generous of him to laugh the whole thing off and not even show a little mild annoyance. (He declined another invitation for the same day shortly after receiving her invitation.)

But so far, I've been unable to convince her -- maybe you can do better?

GENTLE READER: With someone who sees nothing wrong in insulting her own guest -- and for what? For accepting an invitation that she issued because she made a mistake. Miss Manners would hardly know where to begin.

Rather, she would caution you about calling such a person a friend. One mistake -- on your friend's part -- and you may be in trouble.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have moved into a new house, and the real estate agent we dealt with went far above and beyond what one has come to expect. As a result, I decided to invite the young lady over for dinner.

She arrived promptly at 6:30 p.m. and we had an enjoyable dinner together. After the meal, we went back into the living room for some further conversation.

I am not usually one who runs out of things to say, but this time even I was seriously challenged as the hours passed. She did not leave until 12:40 a.m.! It became embarrassing, as there were gaps in the conversation whilst we all just sat and looked at one another, all the while trying to stifle our yawns.

What should I have said to have brought the evening to an end at a much more civilized time? I certainly did not want to hurt her feelings.

GENTLE READER: Nor did she want to hurt yours by appearing to leave too soon. Too bad her watch had stopped.

That malfunction is a problem that Miss Manners believes a good hostess should ignore. However, when you can stand it no longer, you may rise to your feet and say warmly, "What a pleasure it was to have you here. Thank you so much for coming." If you keep standing, she will get up. Presuming that she hasn't already dozed off.

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