DEAR MISS MANNERS: What would be the tactful way to say "no presents but a money tree" for a birthday party?

GENTLE READER: "Never mind all that junk -- just gimme your wallet."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sometimes find myself in social gatherings where people are discussing some social or political issue with a single point of view clearly preferred by most or all other members of the group, when it is a point of view I cannot bring myself to share.

I am aware that sometimes (as in the case of climate change), this occurs because of my scientific background and my thus having certain knowledge that most people do not, while it sometimes (as with discussions involving sports) has more to do with in inclination toward contrariness, a character trait I am working, with so far limited success, to reduce.

My personality traits aside, is it rude to respectfully share a fact that flies in the face of the apparent group consensus?

An example: "You may not know this, but for the past few years, there has been a trend among scientists toward skepticism regarding global warming. Many feel the media is hyping the issue, and several have asked the U.N. to take their names off the report."

Or is it better to remain silent and allow the discussion to continue on its course with more and more agreement, though I find it sad that such lovely, well-educated people could hold such ill-informed opinions?

On a similar note, what of disabusing a friend of a charming but mistaken notion when he shares it with me? If you would indulge me in two actual examples, I shall illustrate:

He: I saw you riding your bike yesterday. That's great for your health.

Me: There was a "code orange" air pollution advisory yesterday, so it was probably bad for my health. But it's good for my sore knees, so I do it anyway.

He: I saw you riding your bike yesterday. That's great for reducing your carbon footprint.

Me: Actually, lots of cars put out less carbon dioxide per mile than I do, huffing and puffing down the street. I was riding because my office is only four blocks away, and I don't want to ruin my car with short trips.

My wife is (possibly properly) horrified by exchanges like this, while I feel it is not only being truthful, but also sharing information they might be able to use and apparently don't have. After all, I don't want to be responsible for encouraging them to do something that would have an effect opposite to the one they want.

Who's right?

GENTLE READER: It is not enough for you to supply the dialogue; Miss Manners would have to hear you speaking it and check out your audience.

She can imagine your words about the environment being said pleasantly, in the clear spirit of "Well, there is another side to this," in a free-wheeling conversation among dedicated but open-minded friends. The bicycle comments could be offered jovially, in the tone of I-only-wish.

But your wife's reaction worries Miss Manners. It seems only too likely that you are enjoying your dissentions far too much. That is your cue to stop.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Urgent before Thanksgiving: I just bought a beautiful soup tureen, but am ignorant of how to serve from it. Does it go on the dining room table, in front of the hostess' place? On the sideboard? In what order are the guests' plates filled?

GENTLE READER: Ahhh.

That soft sound you hear is Miss Manners sighing happily with the feeling of warmth and hospitality that the mere words "soup tureen" conjure. The jolly, pot-bellied shape, the shining porcelain, the escaping steam, the tantalizing odor....

What's that? Oh, you want to know where to put the silly thing. If there is room on the table in front of the hostess, the sight of her serving could be charming. If she has to lean over and dribble the soup across the table, the sideboard would be a better choice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended an afternoon potluck put on by a community charity group. We live in a small town, and most of the approximately 50 people there knew each other at least in passing.

After lunch, the host announced we would break into teams for group games. He chose four organization members to be the captains. One of the captains asked if he would be allowed to pick his own team, and the host readily agreed with that.

Due to memories of being the last one picked as a child, I wanted to object to this methodology but couldn't think of a polite way to do it. The team captains then took turns choosing their favorites and sure enough, I was the last one picked.

I can assure you it was no less humiliating and painful as a 28-year-old than it was when I was 9. Was there any polite way that I could have suggested a different way?

GENTLE READER: You could have spoken up when the suggestion was made, saying, "Wait a minute! I was always picked last when I was a child." (At this point, you may be sure of a chorus of voices saying, "So was I.") "How about this time you pick the worst players first, so I don't have to go home and cry?"

What Miss Manners is recommending is a skill adults must acquire -- the ability to make a joke, or in some cases a novel, out of childhood embarrassments.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had the opportunity the other day to make dinner for my partner's parents upon their arrival from a 12-hour travel day. While the dinner took awhile to make, it turned out very well. The problem is that it was a recipe I had never tried before; my partner told me that her grandmother had said it was never OK to make a meal for the first time for guests, that one should always try it first. While I didn't get in trouble, of course, I am curious as to the validity of this way of thinking.

GENTLE READER: Ask her if Grandma is familiar with the saying "The proof is in the pudding."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: For several years, my significant other has said that, when a group of people are dining together, the conversation is foremost.

Therefore, she says, whenever someone starts talking, good manners dictate that everyone else should stop eating and put down their forks, and she says we should do this even if no one else does. (At least she has the good manners not to inform the others of this supposed requirement when we are dining with a group.)

I keep telling her that her idea about dining etiquette is ridiculous. If there is continuous back-and-forth conversation and everyone did as she thinks they should, nothing would get eaten and the food would eventually get cold. (The picture comes to my mind of everyone's silverware being put on their plates in clicking unison whenever someone starts talking and being picked up again in unison when that person stops talking, with the process repeating when someone responds to the previous speaker.)

I can't get her to understand that her idea has no basis in the rules of etiquette. Am I right in this? What say you?

GENTLE READER: Where did she get that rule? From a list headed "How to Kill a Dinner Party"?

Not only would the food grow cold, but so would the conversation. Can you imagine yourself making an amusing little observation to your dinner partner, only to look up and see all those staring, hungry eyes?

Please tell the lady that the rule forbids talking with your mouth full; it does not forbid listening with your mouth full.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: According to my dictionary, a lady is described as: 1. originally, a woman of authority over a house or an estate, of the same rank as a lord; 2. a well-bred woman; a woman of good family or of high social position; a gentlewoman.

Please advise me, has the definition of a "lady" changed so that a female addressed as such should be offended? Just recently, this happened in my presence. The female addressed is most certainly highly regarded -- as on a pedestal (the highest respect).

GENTLE READER: But she was no lady.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This year I will be hosting a rather large Thanksgiving dinner for family. My sister-in-law will be bringing her boyfriend, who is vegetarian. I had planned on offering several vegetarian options, as I want him to feel welcome.

My sister-in-law informed my husband they preferred that no meat be served, but if we insisted, could we make sure not to cook meat/nonmeat items in the oven at the same time, and could we refrain from ceremoniously carving the turkey at the table? How should I handle this request?

GENTLE READER: With the firm conviction that you are graciously attending to the needs of a guest by making sure that he will have enough to eat, and need not let him take over the running of the household.

You might also suggest to your sister that Thanksgiving, with its food rituals, may not be the best holiday to which to bring the gentleman. Should he become a member of the family, Miss Manners would think your sister-in-law would want to hold family Thanksgiving at their house, where they will be in charge.

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