DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am appalled by a Thanksgiving invitation I just received from my brother's wife's mother. I actually did not receive an invitation at all, but a demand to bring three bottles of wine.

But that is not my complaint. She also asked others in my family to bring the rest of the meal, including the turkey!

Miss Manners, please clarify for me, as I am frustrated that one would ask the attendees to provide the entire meal! I think this is audacious and simply tacky tacky tacky. I entertain all the time and never ask my guests to bring anything other than their presence.

To make matters worse, this "in-law" of mine is not the nicest lady in the world and has only agreed to have people to her home because my brother's home burned down -- otherwise, she would never have us over.

What do you think about all this? Should I refuse to go to this family gathering?

GENTLE READER: What? And miss all that family conviviality?

Miss Manners has always been a staunch opponent of the bait-and-switch invitation, by which people who are asked to come to dinner find out, after accepting, that the invitation was to come with dinner.

But Thanksgiving is somewhat different, and so are the particular circumstances of your family. Because it is often an abnormally oversized meal for a large number of people, Thanksgiving is not infrequently done as a cooperative meal. People who are used to that may believe this to be universal, which is it not.

Another possibility is that your brother and his wife asked her mother to hold the dinner because their house burned down -- not exactly a trivial excuse -- and that they assured her she wouldn't have to do anything because other relatives would bring the food.

In either case, it would be your brother who is at fault for not explaining the terms, not the lady whom you already dislike. If a meal is to be cooperative, rather than hosted, guests should be told that in time to claim that they have another engagement. Furthermore, they should be asked, not told, what to bring. Thanksgiving, especially, is an occasion for such guests to bring their grandmother's specialty, without which, they believe, the holiday cannot be celebrated.

But maybe, since it will be Thanksgiving (and you are already stuck accepting), you can remind yourself to be grateful that your brother was not incinerated and find it in your heart to forgive him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am soon to be the proud father of the bride. My problem, though, is that my palms tend to perspire quite profusely, mostly because of humid conditions, but often when I am nervous or excited. I am dreading the moment at the wedding reception when I would be expected to shake hands with the many guests.

I wonder, is it accepted for a man to have gloves on in such a circumstance, or is there a way to avoid hand shaking all together without insulting these guests? Are there other solutions?

GENTLE READER: No gloves, but Miss Manners can recommend two other solutions. You could kiss all the ladies who go through the line and hug all the gentlemen. If you are normally reserved, they will put it down to the excitement of the occasion.

Your guests might, however, develop wet handprints on their backs, but these are likely to have evaporated by the time they get home and examine their clothes.

Or you could just keep a handkerchief in each pocket and slip your hands in for a quick wipe between shakes.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a teacher, I am legally required to report abuse, if there is reasonable evidence of it. I was recently at my boyfriend's house when his elderly father, over 80 years old, told of an incident when his son-in-law (call him George) assaulted him. There was no visible injury, but I believed that the assault took place.

I called and reported the incident to Adult Protective Services. Now, George and his wife and daughter are angry with me. However, they will not speak to me directly. They call and harangue my boyfriend.

He defends me, as do his parents. I have been invited to their home for Thanksgiving. George and his wife and daughter will be there as well. Should I stay away until things are calmer? If I attend, should I broach the subject, ignore it, explain the legal requirements of my job, or apologize to mend fences?

I should add that the consequences of the report and subsequent investigation were confidential, so I don't know what the determination was. It is possible that George was found to be innocent.

GENTLE READER: Uh. You don't happen to have an easier question on you, do you? Like who should get the drumstick?

It is not that Miss Manners ducks the hard ones, and come to think of it, the drumstick issue is a hard one if there are 18 people at the table who want one. But she has no more idea than you whether you made a hideous mistake, coming into a household where you might have misinterpreted an exaggeration, a joke, a grudge or a metaphor, or whether you made a heroic rescue and changed dangerous family dynamics.

The people who do know and are still speaking to you are the parents. That they defend you and invite you to Thanksgiving suggests that you may have been right.

You should not ask them to betray the confidentiality of the investigation, but you can assure them that the most important thing to you is that the family have a pleasant Thanksgiving, and that if it would help, you would cheerfully absent yourself and see them on another day. And if they insist that you attend, you could delicately inquire whether you owe George an apology, or whether everything has been forgotten (meaning that the father has forgiven George and reconciled) and that it's all right for you to go, but it's better not to mention the incident.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband has a favorite recliner and forbids anyone else to sit in it, even house guests. I was raised in an old southern family that feels a guest in your home has free reign to sit whereever they would like and to tell them differently is very rude on the part of the host. Please help resolve this dispute.

GENTLE READER: Do you mind if Miss Manners also helps your husband?

Mind you, she agrees about not declaring furniture off-limits. But she is also sure that you agree with her that hosts should do everything they can to ensure their guests' comfort.

Teach him to say, "I'm afraid that chair has problems. I'm fond of it and don't mind, but I think you'll be more comfortable over there."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are planning a wedding on a fairly tight budget. We would like to have a beer-and-wine bar but can only afford about three drinks per guest. Is it acceptable for us to provide a monetary cap and switch to a cash bar once that cap is reached? Do we need to tell guests about this plan before the reception? How can we politely inform guests once the bar is approaching the limit or has switched to a cash bar?

GENTLE READER: What you need is a good punch.

No, no, no, not that kind. Very sorry. However great the temptation, Miss Manners does not go around punching people in the nose. This is not an accepted way of offering instruction in the noble art of etiquette.

And even if it were, your question is not offensive. But your proposed solutions would be. There is no polite way to tell guests that they will be sharing the costs of refreshments.

Of course, you can simply leave instructions that the bar be closed at a certain time and hope nobody tugs at the train of your wedding dress and asks, "How does anyone get a drink around here?"

Or you can serve them ample amounts of punch, which will provide them with the amount of spirits you can afford and was once considered a hospitable and festive drink appropriate to a wedding. It might startle them, and you might station a waiter nearby to reassure them by saying cheerfully, "It's rather strong, sir." But they might get to like it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend died recently. He was not married, nor did he have any close relatives. As executor of his will, I had to tell his friends of his death. He had been in declining health for some years, so this was not a surprise to anyone.

I chose to write a letter rather than making dozens of phone calls. Unfortunately, I am not terribly creative and am afraid I botched everything. If I am ever in such a position again, could you give me a few pointers on how to do this properly?

GENTLE READER: Creativity is the last thing that is needed in such a case. When people botch such things, it is usually because they go beyond supplying information and offering sympathy to devise what are intended to be comforting thoughts. "It is all for the best," for example, or "It must be a relief."

This strikes an unpleasant note. Death is a fresh shock, even when it is expected, and it is the occasion to express appreciation and regret for the person who was a friend, not to dwell on the curtailed life he had at the end.

Such a letter needn't be long, but should contain three ingredients: the facts of the death, praise for the person and acknowledgement of his friendship with the recipient.

For example, "I am very sorry to have to tell you that Jasper McElwood succumbed to pneumonia on November second at Mercy Hospital. He was an inspired teacher and a delightful companion, and I know he valued your friendship."

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