DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are planning a wedding on a fairly tight budget. We would like to have a beer-and-wine bar but can only afford about three drinks per guest. Is it acceptable for us to provide a monetary cap and switch to a cash bar once that cap is reached? Do we need to tell guests about this plan before the reception? How can we politely inform guests once the bar is approaching the limit or has switched to a cash bar?

GENTLE READER: What you need is a good punch.

No, no, no, not that kind. Very sorry. However great the temptation, Miss Manners does not go around punching people in the nose. This is not an accepted way of offering instruction in the noble art of etiquette.

And even if it were, your question is not offensive. But your proposed solutions would be. There is no polite way to tell guests that they will be sharing the costs of refreshments.

Of course, you can simply leave instructions that the bar be closed at a certain time and hope nobody tugs at the train of your wedding dress and asks, "How does anyone get a drink around here?"

Or you can serve them ample amounts of punch, which will provide them with the amount of spirits you can afford and was once considered a hospitable and festive drink appropriate to a wedding. It might startle them, and you might station a waiter nearby to reassure them by saying cheerfully, "It's rather strong, sir." But they might get to like it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend died recently. He was not married, nor did he have any close relatives. As executor of his will, I had to tell his friends of his death. He had been in declining health for some years, so this was not a surprise to anyone.

I chose to write a letter rather than making dozens of phone calls. Unfortunately, I am not terribly creative and am afraid I botched everything. If I am ever in such a position again, could you give me a few pointers on how to do this properly?

GENTLE READER: Creativity is the last thing that is needed in such a case. When people botch such things, it is usually because they go beyond supplying information and offering sympathy to devise what are intended to be comforting thoughts. "It is all for the best," for example, or "It must be a relief."

This strikes an unpleasant note. Death is a fresh shock, even when it is expected, and it is the occasion to express appreciation and regret for the person who was a friend, not to dwell on the curtailed life he had at the end.

Such a letter needn't be long, but should contain three ingredients: the facts of the death, praise for the person and acknowledgement of his friendship with the recipient.

For example, "I am very sorry to have to tell you that Jasper McElwood succumbed to pneumonia on November second at Mercy Hospital. He was an inspired teacher and a delightful companion, and I know he valued your friendship."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend, who is from Norway, where they don't tip, had his hair cut. He offered his credit card to pay for it, and the haircutter pointed to the tip part and said he was suppose to fill that out. I said he could put a "0" in or not go back to this hair establishment.

Do you have any advice for him? He has lived in this country 25 years, but he goes back to Norway every year, and he doesn't believe in tipping.

GENTLE READER: Tell your friend that he doesn't have to believe in tipping. All he has to do is to tip.

Miss Manners abhors the tipping system. But she tips without fail. If the service is bad, her redress is not to cut the tip but to complain to management.

This is because she knows - as your friend should have discovered after 25 years in this country -- that in certain job situations, expected tips are calculated into the otherwise low wages.

It is her strong feeling that to build the service cost into wages and pricing would benefit everyone. Nice people are often in a state of anxiety about how much to tip, and not-nice ones often shirk their responsibility. Not-nice service people may use embarrassment to provoke greater tips, and nice ones are financially penalized.

If your friend wants a tip-free haircut in the United States, he should ask to have it done by the owner of the business. Owners are not supposed to be tipped, although they are only too eager nowadays to encourage their clients to do so.

See what Miss Manners means about its being a system that brings out the worst in everyone?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to correct one's elders, and how does one politely do so?

My uncle referred to the president of Venezuela as "Cesar Chavez"; my aunt pronounces salmon "SAL-muhn"; my mother-in-law told her young granddaughter (my niece) that "peruse" means to lightly skim over written materials.

No one likes a know-it-all, but I cringe when I hear someone making a mistake, although I certainly don't want to embarrass anyone or come across as rude. In the above examples, I said nothing to my mother-in-law and uncle, and kept repeating "SAM-uhn" to my aunt, but she never got it.

GENTLE READER: To go around correcting others is to cause embarrassment, make oneself unpopular and, as you have noticed, fail to make any impression on the person you attempted to correct. Cringing seems a small price to avoid all that.

However (and if you have faith in Miss Manners, you knew there would be a however), you can question them. To your uncle, you might have said, "Hugo? Wasn't Cesar the civil rights organizer? Remember 'No grapes'?" To your aunt, "Do they pronounce the L where salmon comes from? I've always heard it SAM-uhn." And to your mother-in-law, "I thought it was the opposite -- am I wrong?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I go to the grocery store several times a month. It never fails that as I'm going through checkout, the cashier will pick up one of my purchases to scan it and make a comment about the item. Sometimes he or she will say something like "Oh, these are new. Do you like these? I haven't tried them yet." They comment on snacks, drinks, make-up, clothing, etc.

One time, a female cashier actually asked me about my choice of tampons. She noticed that I had a certain type that was new on the market and held the box up asking me if they worked better, and some other questions. I thought this was very rude. There were many shoppers behind me who started giggling or looking away.

Why do these people, these cashiers who scan my purchases, have to look and comment over the items I'm buying? Does anyone want to have a conversation with the cashier about medications, foot powders, dog food or anything?

I certainly don't. It irks me to the point that I've been using the self-scanners even though they take forever on large purchases. What do you suggest I say the next time a cashier comments or questions my purchases?

GENTLE READER: "Ummm, You probably know the merchandise better than I do."

The "ummm" part represents your visible effort to pull yourself away from whatever was occupying your mind -- your thoughts, the headline about the alien space baby in the checkout scandal sheet -- to which you return immediately.

It should be repeated if the probing continues, to which you can reply, "I'm sure there must be someone here you can talk to who knows the merchandise."

As for why this happens, Miss Manners can only guess. Perhaps these are people who don't know the difference between being pleasant and being intrusive. But it is also possible that they have been instructed to chat up the customers, either because it is believed that the customers are as bored as the employees, or because it drives people like you to use the self-scanners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When two people are eating at home, and one is serving the other "seconds" from the kitchen, perhaps microwaving it, what does the person eating do with the fork/spoon while waiting for the plate to come back? Short of getting a new/clean one as though one has servants to wash the dishes, is there a better alternative than licking it off and setting it on the table?

GENTLE READER: Just in time, Miss Manners stopped herself form making the automatic suggestion that the silverware travel into the kitchen with the plate. She hates to think what would have happened in the microwave.

But to keep up, she must go backward. What you need is a knife-rest, one of those little bars on feet, sometimes whimsically fashioned, that hold the blade of the knife (and the tines of the fork in this case) off the table, where the handles remain. Check your local flea market.

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