DEAR MISS MANNERS: I go to the grocery store several times a month. It never fails that as I'm going through checkout, the cashier will pick up one of my purchases to scan it and make a comment about the item. Sometimes he or she will say something like "Oh, these are new. Do you like these? I haven't tried them yet." They comment on snacks, drinks, make-up, clothing, etc.

One time, a female cashier actually asked me about my choice of tampons. She noticed that I had a certain type that was new on the market and held the box up asking me if they worked better, and some other questions. I thought this was very rude. There were many shoppers behind me who started giggling or looking away.

Why do these people, these cashiers who scan my purchases, have to look and comment over the items I'm buying? Does anyone want to have a conversation with the cashier about medications, foot powders, dog food or anything?

I certainly don't. It irks me to the point that I've been using the self-scanners even though they take forever on large purchases. What do you suggest I say the next time a cashier comments or questions my purchases?

GENTLE READER: "Ummm, You probably know the merchandise better than I do."

The "ummm" part represents your visible effort to pull yourself away from whatever was occupying your mind -- your thoughts, the headline about the alien space baby in the checkout scandal sheet -- to which you return immediately.

It should be repeated if the probing continues, to which you can reply, "I'm sure there must be someone here you can talk to who knows the merchandise."

As for why this happens, Miss Manners can only guess. Perhaps these are people who don't know the difference between being pleasant and being intrusive. But it is also possible that they have been instructed to chat up the customers, either because it is believed that the customers are as bored as the employees, or because it drives people like you to use the self-scanners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When two people are eating at home, and one is serving the other "seconds" from the kitchen, perhaps microwaving it, what does the person eating do with the fork/spoon while waiting for the plate to come back? Short of getting a new/clean one as though one has servants to wash the dishes, is there a better alternative than licking it off and setting it on the table?

GENTLE READER: Just in time, Miss Manners stopped herself form making the automatic suggestion that the silverware travel into the kitchen with the plate. She hates to think what would have happened in the microwave.

But to keep up, she must go backward. What you need is a knife-rest, one of those little bars on feet, sometimes whimsically fashioned, that hold the blade of the knife (and the tines of the fork in this case) off the table, where the handles remain. Check your local flea market.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Before my friend and I went on a vacation along with our wives, I had bought four tickets for Sea World in Atlanta at a discounted price online. As we were approaching the aquarium, I realized that I lost/misplaced those tickets. Ultimately, we had to buy another set at the entrance and everybody paid for their own.

Is it right for me to ask him for the money I paid for his share of the lost tickets? Or should I just let it go?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners would not advise you to request reimbursement for tickets that you lost -- and then to go anywhere near a body of water with people to whom you suggested that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We occasionally invite friends to join us at nice dinners out. We always make clear that we are inviting them, which to us means that we will pick up the tab. We have recently had some friends decline because "that place is out of our price range."

How can we tell them that what we really want is the pleasure of their company at a place we think we would all enjoy, and that we would pay for everything, without allowing the least reflection on their means?

Should it make a difference to your advice that, generally speaking in our circle, dinner invitations tend to be more for dinner at each other's houses, whether for pizza or home-cooked, and we have, in some cases, more financial resources than our friends?

GENTLE READER: What makes the difference is that they entertain at home, and you do not. Income and menu have nothing to do with it. In social terms, that means that they have more resources than you.

Apparently, you do not make it clear enough that you intend to be the hosts when inviting them to a restaurant, which is usually the sort of outing where people pay for themselves. Miss Manners suggests emphasizing it by saying, "We had such a wonderful time at your house, and we'd like to reciprocate by taking you to dinner."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While visiting friends this past summer, the warning sirens went off signaling that a tornado warning had been issued. The only response on the part of our friends was to turn on their laptop to check the weather report, which, of course, showed thunderstorms in the area.

When little, my husband watched from his basement window as his neighbor's roof blew away in a tornado. We have always responded to warning sirens by taking shelter in the proper place in our basement.

Our friends' response (or lack thereof) made us terribly nervous. I mentioned to them what had happened to my husband and that we always took shelter, but they just laughed and said nothing ever came over their place.

What is one to do in this situation? Do we avail ourselves of their basement whether invited to or not? Or do we remain polite and say a silent prayer?

GENTLE READER: Well, a supplication is needed, but it should be made aloud. "Please indulge us," you should plead with your hosts. "We have something of a history about tornadoes, and we will be quite emotional if we can't wait it out in your basement."

Miss Manners understands that your friends do not frighten easily, but the prospect of hysterical people bounding around on the good furniture ought to convince them of the wisdom of confining you where you are less likely to do harm.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a senior in high school and also in theatre production class. When a cast list is posted, I don't always get the role I wanted.

What is the proper way to deal with this? Should I congratulate the person who got the role instead of me? Should I storm off angry or make it known that I am not pleased with this?

As I plan to pursue theatre in the future, it's important to know how to deal with this unpleasant event.

GENTLE READER: Are you under the impression that being rude is an asset in the theater?

Miss Manners suspects that you have been reading too many celebrity magazines. What you may have missed is that the actors first become stars and then indulge in bad behavior, which may be tolerated for the sake of the money they bring in. But even then, they run into problems if their fans get bored with their antics or they are considered difficult to work with.

The proper reaction, as you well know, is to congratulate the winner and cheerfully accept any part you may be assigned. If you cannot manage that, regardless of how you really feel, please see your career counselor; you are no actress.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While at a $100-per-plate fund-raiser last night, a woman with whom I am acquainted kept touching me. Throughout the course of the dinner, she stroked my long hair repeatedly, tried to hug me a couple times and firmly whacked my back multiple times after I coughed while sipping wine.

Each time (except for our initial "hello" hug in the lobby), I responded with "Please stop" or "Please don't" and pulled away. Finally, in a flat tone, I said "Boy, Jane, you're pretty touchy-feely tonight" to which she responded "But you're my friend."

I then said "Yes, but I am also a fan of personal space. Please stop."

The other women at the table heard this exchange. Although the nine of us at the table have known each other for more than 20 years, I wonder if I could have handled this better?

I also suspect I may have offended the woman, because for the rest of the evening, she complained somewhat loudly about the amount of rosemary in the food, and the perceived affluence of the night's auction winners based on their address, among other things. Is a note of apology in order?

GENTLE READER: Why? Did you sneak more rosemary in her food? Or fix the lottery to give your neighbors all the prizes?

Or did you merely indicate, even making it sound like a mere personal preference of yours, that she should keep her hands off you?

It is not uncommon for rude people to act offended when their rudeness is not tolerated. Miss Manners assures you that this does not make it rude to refuse to tolerate rudeness, as long as this is not done with retaliatory rudeness.

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