DEAR MISS MANNERS: Before my friend and I went on a vacation along with our wives, I had bought four tickets for Sea World in Atlanta at a discounted price online. As we were approaching the aquarium, I realized that I lost/misplaced those tickets. Ultimately, we had to buy another set at the entrance and everybody paid for their own.

Is it right for me to ask him for the money I paid for his share of the lost tickets? Or should I just let it go?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners would not advise you to request reimbursement for tickets that you lost -- and then to go anywhere near a body of water with people to whom you suggested that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We occasionally invite friends to join us at nice dinners out. We always make clear that we are inviting them, which to us means that we will pick up the tab. We have recently had some friends decline because "that place is out of our price range."

How can we tell them that what we really want is the pleasure of their company at a place we think we would all enjoy, and that we would pay for everything, without allowing the least reflection on their means?

Should it make a difference to your advice that, generally speaking in our circle, dinner invitations tend to be more for dinner at each other's houses, whether for pizza or home-cooked, and we have, in some cases, more financial resources than our friends?

GENTLE READER: What makes the difference is that they entertain at home, and you do not. Income and menu have nothing to do with it. In social terms, that means that they have more resources than you.

Apparently, you do not make it clear enough that you intend to be the hosts when inviting them to a restaurant, which is usually the sort of outing where people pay for themselves. Miss Manners suggests emphasizing it by saying, "We had such a wonderful time at your house, and we'd like to reciprocate by taking you to dinner."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While visiting friends this past summer, the warning sirens went off signaling that a tornado warning had been issued. The only response on the part of our friends was to turn on their laptop to check the weather report, which, of course, showed thunderstorms in the area.

When little, my husband watched from his basement window as his neighbor's roof blew away in a tornado. We have always responded to warning sirens by taking shelter in the proper place in our basement.

Our friends' response (or lack thereof) made us terribly nervous. I mentioned to them what had happened to my husband and that we always took shelter, but they just laughed and said nothing ever came over their place.

What is one to do in this situation? Do we avail ourselves of their basement whether invited to or not? Or do we remain polite and say a silent prayer?

GENTLE READER: Well, a supplication is needed, but it should be made aloud. "Please indulge us," you should plead with your hosts. "We have something of a history about tornadoes, and we will be quite emotional if we can't wait it out in your basement."

Miss Manners understands that your friends do not frighten easily, but the prospect of hysterical people bounding around on the good furniture ought to convince them of the wisdom of confining you where you are less likely to do harm.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a senior in high school and also in theatre production class. When a cast list is posted, I don't always get the role I wanted.

What is the proper way to deal with this? Should I congratulate the person who got the role instead of me? Should I storm off angry or make it known that I am not pleased with this?

As I plan to pursue theatre in the future, it's important to know how to deal with this unpleasant event.

GENTLE READER: Are you under the impression that being rude is an asset in the theater?

Miss Manners suspects that you have been reading too many celebrity magazines. What you may have missed is that the actors first become stars and then indulge in bad behavior, which may be tolerated for the sake of the money they bring in. But even then, they run into problems if their fans get bored with their antics or they are considered difficult to work with.

The proper reaction, as you well know, is to congratulate the winner and cheerfully accept any part you may be assigned. If you cannot manage that, regardless of how you really feel, please see your career counselor; you are no actress.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While at a $100-per-plate fund-raiser last night, a woman with whom I am acquainted kept touching me. Throughout the course of the dinner, she stroked my long hair repeatedly, tried to hug me a couple times and firmly whacked my back multiple times after I coughed while sipping wine.

Each time (except for our initial "hello" hug in the lobby), I responded with "Please stop" or "Please don't" and pulled away. Finally, in a flat tone, I said "Boy, Jane, you're pretty touchy-feely tonight" to which she responded "But you're my friend."

I then said "Yes, but I am also a fan of personal space. Please stop."

The other women at the table heard this exchange. Although the nine of us at the table have known each other for more than 20 years, I wonder if I could have handled this better?

I also suspect I may have offended the woman, because for the rest of the evening, she complained somewhat loudly about the amount of rosemary in the food, and the perceived affluence of the night's auction winners based on their address, among other things. Is a note of apology in order?

GENTLE READER: Why? Did you sneak more rosemary in her food? Or fix the lottery to give your neighbors all the prizes?

Or did you merely indicate, even making it sound like a mere personal preference of yours, that she should keep her hands off you?

It is not uncommon for rude people to act offended when their rudeness is not tolerated. Miss Manners assures you that this does not make it rude to refuse to tolerate rudeness, as long as this is not done with retaliatory rudeness.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I believe I already know your stance on cash requests for weddings in lieu of gifts: that it is never appropriate. This may be a new wrinkle (although no doubt you've heard and seen them all):

My sister is remarrying at 50-something to another 50-something. Their fabulous, and expensive, wedding invitation states that they already have enough stuff and are requesting guests to " endow a chair."

At first, I thought I was being asked to fund some needy student's scholarship or deserving professorship. Then I noticed on the return portion of the expensive invitation, right next to meal choices, was a little box to check for the number of chairs I was willing to endow at $60 apiece.

I went off the deep end a bit, thinking, What next? BYOB? BYOF? Or perhaps we would just bring our own chairs, sidestepping the need for endowment.

Now, I'm in a quandary as to whether I'm allowed to attend the wedding and reception if I don't pony up $120 for my husband and I.

I'm sure the food and drink at the party will be wonderful, and expensive, but I already have a bad taste in my mouth. How does one politely respond to such a proposal? I would like to be on speaking terms with my sister for the next 50 years.

GENTLE READER: Actually, that is a new one on Miss Manners. And she hates to repeat it, knowing that there will be people who, far from being appalled at this astounding display of greed and vulgarity, will think, "What a good idea."

Why anyone would want to attend a wedding of people who think of them merely as customers is hard to imagine. But you are the bride's sister. It would behoove you to commiserate with her for having been reduced to such public begging. You might consider sending her a check, accompanied by a plausible excuse to cover sparing yourself the embarrassment of having bought entrance to her wedding.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I read your column frequently and find it to be both entertaining and educational. However, there is something I have always wondered about with respect to your responses.

It seems that, in nearly all of your replies (and in your suggested replies for others to use) when the message is expected to be not to the receiver's liking, you begin it with the disclaimer "I'm afraid that ...." Presumably, you are not truly and literally "afraid" in all such situations. So, what is the reason for this expression?

I can only guess that this expression is used to "soften the blow" of disappointment to the other by giving the (transparently false but polite) impression that you actually agree with the other person, but that "whatever-it-is" is not under your direct control, but rather something that you, too, must comply with because you are "afraid" to do otherwise.

Since this expression is not one that I grew up with, I would appreciate your clarification of its use and how it came to be this way. Thank you.

GENTLE READER: You are quite right in guessing that Miss Manners is not cowering in the corner when she dispenses etiquette advice. But neither does she give advice with which she disagrees.

The conventional phrase "I am afraid" refers, in these questions, to the fear that the other person does not like what he or she is being told. It is a polite way of saying "I feel your pain that -- hold still! -- I am about to inflict."

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