DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I attended the wedding of a close friend's son and dutifully selected a gift from their registration list. While wrapping it, I suggested that we include a note saying "We know you like the gift, so there is no need to write us a thank you note. Please enjoy."

This sentiment appealed to me because I hate writing thank you notes. We knew they would like the gift -- they picked it out. Why not save them a little time as a sort of second gift? My wife was not, however, at all supportive of this plan and it ended there. Later, the bride wrote us a very gracious thank you note.

Although I admit the idea doesn't feel quite right, if one applies the Golden Rule, it works. I would've appreciated receiving similar notes with our wedding gifts. And, as more and more couples virtually select their own wedding gifts, maybe this is an idea who's time has come?

I'm wrong, I suppose, but technically, why?

GENTLE READER: Because you are hoping to subvert an important and time-honored ritual, even though Miss Manners admits that it has already been nearly drained of meaning.

That presents have come to be thought of as payment for hospitality is a repulsive notion that means that we are selling one another our social company.

But if couples frankly started offering tickets for sale to watch them being married, Miss Manners doubts that they would have many takers. Once the sentiment is removed, people would realize that better entertainment, and probably better meals, are available elsewhere.

The sentiment comes from the thoughtfulness and generosity of the giver. As you have noted, gift registries kill the thoughtfulness part. You propose to kill the acknowledgement that there is still generosity involved.

Miss Manners cannot really blame you for thinking that there isn't much left to kill. But while even a part of it is still alive, she hopes that people will want to restore the meaning to this ancient ritual instead of just doing one another's shopping. Either that or dispose of present-giving entirely. When that happens, you will be thankful to hear that you will no longer have to express thankfulness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you think it is rude and disrespectful to start a response with "I don't mean any disrespect..."?

My friend wrote that to me before she wrote about how her husband being on deployment was not comparable to my husband being away for business. I was offended just because she wrote that. Am I wrong to feel she intended to put me down?

GENTLE READER: Ordinarily, Miss Manners would agree that "I don't mean any disrespect" -- like "Let me be honest with you" and "I have to say how I feel" -- heralds an insult. But there does have to be a way that friends can call attention to an unintentional hurt.

This seems to be such a case. When you compared the absences of your respective husbands, you were presumably referring to the loneliness and inconvenience that you and your friend are both likely to feel. What you overlooked is the difference that is bound to be uppermost in her mind -- that her husband is in danger and might not return. You do owe her an apology for that omission.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Am I being rude if I refuse to stop to talk to environmentalists collecting money on the street?

Over the summer, it seems like they're on every corner of campus. They're always friendly and cheerful, and want to know "Do you care about the environment?"

Why yes, I do. But I like to decide which charities to give to, after doing some research and making sure the charity I choose is cost-effective, and that I agree with all of its goals. Since I already know that I'm not going to give them money, I don't want to waste my time (or theirs) in a nonproductive conversation.

But on the other hand, it seems rude not to stop. I do think that if someone wants to talk to you, it's not polite to ignore them.

GENTLE READER: While commending your attitude, Miss Manners is left wondering how you manage to get to class or down any city block. Accosting strangers is a technique shared by the charitable, the impoverished and the lonely, and their numbers add up.

You are not obliged to hold conversations with any of these people, but it is courteous to acknowledge their existence, or at least that of such strangers who are not suggesting that you date them. A quick "sorry" as you pass is enough to do that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am receiving invitations to baby showers from my own friends to showers for their daughters or daughters-in-law who live in another state or whom I hardly know.

During a planned visit by the daughter or daughter-in-law, the soon-to-be grandmother either plans a shower herself or leans on a close friend to throw a shower. While the birth of a grandchild is a joyous occasion, the expectation of some grandmothers is approaching inappropriate. It was even suggested by one grandmother that her own friends would be more financially able to furnish the nursery than her daughter's friends.

In my day, baby-shower invitations were sent to friends of the expectant parents, not friends of the grandparents, and expectant parents did not travel the country for baby showers. Expectant parents also understood that the responsibility of furnishing a nursery was their own.

The custom of sending out birth announcements to extended family and friends was a far more genteel means of providing mailing information for those who wanted to mail a gift after the baby's birth. Has the etiquette for baby showers changed in the 25 years since I had my last child?

GENTLE READER: It is not the etiquette that has changed, Miss Manners assures you; it is the willingness of people to abide by it.

Parties such as showers and birthday parties are now commonly planned solely for the gratification of the honorees (who are commonly the hosts or the hosts' relatives), without consideration being given to the enjoyment of the guests, whose contributions are blatantly solicited.

Fortunately, attendance at parties is optional. You owe your friends your congratulations and good wishes; you do not owe them any form of child support.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my 50s, have never been married and I have no children, sisters, nieces or nephews. Being the only granddaughter, I inherited two diamond engagement rings from my grandmothers. They both have great sentimental value to me.

Would it be improper to wear them on my right-hand fingers? It's a waste to let nice rings just sit in a box. The only other (expensive) solution would be to take the stones out and reset them in a pendent necklace or something like that. I would rather just wear them as rings, as long as it doesn't cause people to ask questions like: "Why are you wearing an engagement ring on your right hand?"

GENTLE READER: Although she is not responsible for the foolish remarks people make, Miss Manners must point out that these are not engagement rings when you are wearing them, as indeed you should do. Not every diamond solitaire is an engagement ring (nor are all engagement rings diamonds).

An engagement ring is one that is given to a lady by her future husband. What you have were your grandmothers' engagement rings, but now they are family rings, which is all you need say when asked, although you may want to tell friends their charming history.

But wearing two such rings might also prompt you to say, "Well, as you probably guessed, I'm trying them out, to see which gentleman I should marry."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I left my former husband 20 years ago, as he was emotionally abusive and I could no longer abide his bad temper. He was outraged at my "desertion" to the point that five years later, when my stepdaughter was married, he told her that if I came to the wedding, he would not attend.

We have both remarried, but my stepdaughter and I have kept in touch. She has kept this a secret from her father, and, when she and her family come to see us, it, too, is a secret from the children's grandfather.

He has recently been diagnosed with a terminal illness. When and if he should succumb to his disease, I would like to be of support to my stepdaughter, as she has spent her life trying to live up to his expectations, and I know that she will take his death very hard.

Is it bad form for my husband and I to go to the viewing and or funeral? I want to be there for my stepdaughter but do not want to cause any distress for my ex-husband's current wife.

GENTLE READER: Unless your stepdaughter begs you to attend, and perhaps even then, this is a case where respect for the deceased (who, after all, is not yet deceased) suggests absenting yourself from the funeral, as you have reason to know would be his wish.

Yes, yes, Miss Manners knows you only want to go to support the daughter. But you could be causing her additional stress, knowing that her father and possibly also his wife would not want you there. The inevitable lull after the initial mourning rites have finished is the proper time for you to show your support for your stepdaughter.

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