DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have never been so humiliated in my life as I was at the funeral of an elderly lady who befriended me 30 years ago.

I was a single mother with no family close by, and she and her husband (who passed away several years ago) "adopted" my then-3-year-old daughter, taking her to the circus, movies and really treating her as their grandchild. We kept in touch through the years, and, when she passed away, my daughter and I attended her funeral.

We are not of her faith, and I was always taught when attending a funeral not of my religion, I should remain seated when the congregation is called upon to stand or kneel and to remain silent when the congregation is called upon to respond. I was taught this was being respectful to other people's religion.

But my daughter and I were singled out by the officiating clergy who stopped the services to ask us why we were not participating. I gave him the same explanation I just gave you, and he was livid. He accused us of not only being disrespectful to the deceased's religion, but to the deceased and her family. My daughter and I were mortified, so we participated during the remainder of the services under his watchful eye, however we left immediately afterward and did not attend the services at the cemetery.

Please let me know the proper etiquette for attending a funeral, or even a wedding, of someone not of my faith. I am in my mid-50s and my daughter in her 30s. I have attended countless funerals, and this is the first time something like this has ever happened, and I don't want it to happen again. If times have changed and religions have relaxed to the point of a non-parishioner being expected to participate, I need to know.

GENTLE READER: You do know what to do. It is the clergyman who knows as little about the practice of religion as he does about its meaning.

Humiliating people into participating in the practice of religions to which they do not subscribe is not what religions tend to preach. But beyond that, it trivializes the religion, suggesting that holding its beliefs is unnecessary as long as one goes through the motions.

Coincidentally, at the same time that Miss Manners received your letter, a lady of her acquaintance was being roundly chastised for exactly what your rude clergyman commanded. In the emotion of a funeral and a with a predilection for ecumenism, she took Communion although not a Catholic. Her intention was exactly to show respect for the dead and his religion.

Not the right way to go about it, as a great number of people pointed out more or less vehemently, as doing so presupposes sharing all of the Catholic beliefs concerning Communion. But Miss Manners was gratified to hear that the clergy involved considered the matter with an understanding attitude that did honor to their religion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What on earth are "peptone high heels?" I have never heard the term and cannot find anything on the Internet.

GENTLE READER-- Some time ago, Miss Manners expressed equal amazement at being told about an item of jewelry called a "love altar." Numerous Gentle Readers came forward to tell her that what was meant was something well known to her as a lavaliere.

So in the spirit of deciphering garbled terms, she will now venture to guess that peptone high heels are what used to be called open-toed shoes but have lately been given the coyer designation "peep toe" shoes.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Where are those elusive "dessert spoons" that you mention? I don't find them; the department store can't find them.

Are they hiding in my silver chest in the soup-spoon section? Are soup spoons an acceptable substitute, or are they one and the same?

This is a new one on me. I've always used teaspoons, salad forks and ice cream forks for desserts.

GENTLE READER: Well, we all do what we can to survive in primitive times.

Miss Manners remembers when the tablespoons now used for dishing out vegetables were individual soup spoons; the oval spoons now used for soup were dessert spoons (which sometimes came with small dessert forks and knives in attack-all-goodies sets), and no one would dream of using a teaspoon for anything but stirring tea.

As you have discovered, it has all been downgraded. One of these days we'll be pecking at our food with demitasse spoons and lemon forks. That is, those who are still able to master the apparently complicated skill of holding a fork.

In the meantime, there are two respectable ways of dealing with the situation. One is to revert to the method used before the mid-Victorian explosion of specialized flatware, and use two sizes for everything: a large oval spoon for soup and desserts, along with a large fork and knife for meat courses; and a smaller-sized knife and fork for appetizers, fish courses and, when needed, desserts.

The second method involves time, money and flea markets.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Twice a year I share a hotel room with another woman in our company for three to four nights. I think we should be thoughtful to one another when it comes to setting an early wake-up call.

She likes to rise extremely early to exercise, therefore waking me up one to two hours before I really want to be awakened. I am not exactly a light sleeper, but I cannot go back to a slumber after the alarm sounds.

She says everyone is free to sound the alarm whenever they please. I think she is being rude. What do you think? I need more sleep to function well at these conferences we attend. It makes the day really long when the alarm sounds at 5:30 a.m.

GENTLE READER: Really? She declares that all people, presuming including everyone in her hotel room, are free to sound the alarm whenever they please?

No, let's not go there. Miss Manners does not suggest that you follow the purported etiquette rules of someone who does not recognize any need for considering the well-being of others.

It is time for you to go to the person who handles arrangements at your company and request another roommate. Your point should be that the behavior of your present roommate prevents you from getting the rest that you need to be in top working form.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are amicably ending our 21-year marriage and keeping a good friendship we both prize. We are wondering how we tell friends of our pending divorce. (We have already told family.)

Our reasons for divorce are complex and personal. Is there an easy "answer" to the question of why we're divorcing?

GENTLE READER: You are divorcing "by mutual consent." That is the only reason that civilized people divorce.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We always gave all the support we could to school children on my doorstep raising money for one cause or another, even if we tossed out the candy bars, etc. But then things started to get out of hand in our neighborhood with children pushing and fighting on neighbors' doorsteps, arguing over who had the "right" to be there.

The last straw came for me when one of our neighbor's sons asked us for a pledge of 25 cents for each book he read during a two-week period, which we agreed to. Two weeks later, he appeared to collect my pledge, claiming to have read 500 books and I owed him $125. I refused and later made a donation directly to the principal, since I had intended to support the school.

From that point on, we no longer allowed our son to participate in any fundraising unless it involved work on his part. For all other situations, we made donations. We decided to set priorities for the charities and causes we wished to give to and made contributions directly to them. It has become a budget item each month, and we have control over what and to whom we give.

Anyone appearing on our doorstep receives a polite "No thank you," which I believe is the correct response to an invitation we wish to decline. I do not explain how I make donations or to whom, or even why I choose not to donate to their cause. Just a simple "No thank you."

I hope Miss Manners does not find this too blunt.

GENTLE READER: Not at all. You were too timid.

Not in the polite response you now give, which is the correct way to decline. What appalls Miss Manners is that you previously encouraged children to believe that the way to earn money is not by doing something useful, but to beg, and you were even willing to hire a child to read.

Miss Manners is well aware that many schools encourage, even require, children to ask outright for money instead of washing cars or making cookies or lemonade to sell, and that many parents bribe their children to learn.

But as you have discovered, this does not make it right. Aside from the rudeness and dishonesty that is engendered, it teaches the child that working and studying lack intrinsic value.

Miss Manners is glad that you have learned better, realize you are not forced to support this, and are doing better by your own child.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife insists on wearing her sunglasses when she goes through the aisles at the local major supermarket. I think it's rude to leave your sunglasses on inside a public place for that long. I think it's fine for the local quick trip into the convenience store, but for some reason, it irks me to be with her inside like that pushing a shopping cart around a big store. I think it comes across as arrogant and unapproachable (she isn't), but again, what do I know?

GENTLE READER: Apparently something that Miss Manners does not, which is why your wife needs to seem approachable in the supermarket. Unless she is shoving her cart into others' ankles, her fellow shoppers are likely to be too interested in the produce to notice or care.

What you need to know is that there are many reasons for wearing sunglasses other than their looking spiffy. Your wife may not have eye-related problems, but enough people do to remove the onus from sunglasses, other than mirrored ones worn with black leather to the breakfast table.

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