DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister, early 60s, and a good friend, early 50s, both recently suffered painful divorces from men they now abhor. My sister was married for 40 years and my friend for 15.

I spent a lot of time with these people and have many experiences. I am totally stumped how to avoid going into a landmine field, that I don't see, every time I talk to them.

I have gotten many photos of my sister's first grandchild, and we've all played the who-does-he-look-like game. Apparently, I said the baby has an "attitude" like the ex-husband, grandpa (a philanderer, etc.). Since the baby is 4 months old, it seems ridiculous that my sister would be upset that I was ascribing her ex-husband's negative personality traits to the baby. But she said I really hurt her feelings. Of course, I apologized and said that wasn't what I meant (obviously).

My friend thought she was married to a man who never divorced his second wife. They were "married" in a small ceremony, but he never filed their marriage license with the county. I understand she now refuses to refer to her relationship as a "marriage."

OK, but this sensitive feeling around words (relationship or marriage, this man was very sick), leaves me anxious about what, how and when to say things.

Do I just pretend, like these people do, that the past doesn't exist? I understand why they don't want to go there, but the past is where many of our experiences are. There were good times. I feel anxious about what and how to say things, and it is changing my relationship with these people in a negative way.

I never warmed to my friend's "husband," but I really loved my ex-brother-in-law. I still consider him family and hate the rigidity my sister is imposing on him when she is around. She battled twice with anorexia through her divorce, which took 10 years. And I am pretty certain she'll go into old age with this big dead zone called her 40 years with her ex-husband.

Do you have any wisdom regarding an attitude I can cultivate, inside my head, that will improve my time with these people whom I love a lot?

GENTLE READER: You could stop thinking that it is a special hardship to have to consider other people's feelings before you make casual remarks. That is something that everyone is supposed to be doing all the time (and that almost no one does before firing off e-mails) to avoid making trouble.

Miss Manners would not have thought it much of a leap to realize that your sister would not be amused at joking references to her former husband's promiscuity. Nor should it be all that hard to remember that your friend does not care to be referred to as having been the wife of a bigamist.

Your concern about their not facing the past suggests to Miss Manners that you are annoying them for their own good, as you see it. It might help you to think of them as adults whose ways of coping should be respected.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I bought our second home two years ago, and we bought our first one 11 years ago. We've never lived in this new home, as we decided to do a complete remodel when we bought it.

The construction is now near completion, and we are excited to finally be able to move in. We want to have a housewarming party, and we have thought of registering for gifts. My sister thinks this is presumptuous. I think it's practical. Who's right?

GENTLE READER: Both of you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I believe you have said that it is rude to show up at someone's house with your own recently purchased coffee drink. I'm wondering why this practice is considered inappropriate.

My guess is that it insults the host by implying that nothing he or she could offer would please the guest as much as the tall organic half-caf extra-hot nonfat vanilla soy latte with extra foam. I am wondering why it doesn't suggest to the host, "Don't worry about me; I've taken care of my needs so that you can relax."

GENTLE READER: You are asking Miss Manners to put aside the argument that universally and throughout recorded time, refusing hospitality has been considered a serious insult. Diplomats and travelers have, for that reason, choked down all kinds of foods and drink that they found unpalatable, not to mention disgusting.

But that still leaves her with a strictly practical argument, which applies not only to the visitor with the coffee cup, but also to the guest who brings a bottle or dish when invited to dinner and expects it to be served. That is that it does not, in fact, save the host any trouble.

On the contrary, if the guest was expected for a meal, the host would have had to prepare it in advance anyway, and serving the extra food (setting it out, replacing what was planned) or drink (which may not go with the food and in any case is not likely to be enough to go around) may be extra trouble.

The casual visitor who strides in with his own coffee is not only usurping the function of the host (oops, Miss Manners was going to sidestep that point), but doing so, ungraciously, only for himself. If the host wants some, he still has to make it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been promoted to supervisor over a department of seven employees. I am much younger than the staff that I supervise, and I possess more credentials.

Two out of seven find it necessary to comment on how I dress or my shoes or my hair, usually in a negative manner. I smile and brush it off because I know in my heart what the real issue is, and I also try to deflect their attention. I know how to be rude and insulting, but I'd rather remain tactful and professional and yet get my point across.

GENTLE READER: But you are the supervisor, so you can require that they also behave professionally.

You will do better if you generalize the problem to avoid even more personal remarks about your being "oversensitive" or "unable to take a compliment."

Miss Manners recommends an office-wide memo stating that of course everyone knows that modern professional conduct prohibits making personal remarks about colleagues, and you would like to remind them that this includes compliments. That will throw them off your trail because they were not exactly giving you compliments.

Then the next time someone begins to criticize you (or even, inspired by your remark, offer you a compliment), you can issue a gentle reminder about professional behavior, thus also reminding them that you are the supervisor, whom it is unwise to antagonize.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently moved from California to Louisiana to take a distinguished university professor position. Here, it is very common for strange young ladies in service positions, such as waitresses, restaurant hostesses, bartenders and grocery clerks to address me as Hun, Sweetie, Dahlin', etc.

At institutions that I frequent, often this can also be accompanied by hugs from female staff who see me on a regular basis. I realize this is all innocent and well accepted here in the South, and so I embrace it with good humor, but the custom can sometimes lead to confusion.

For example, a visiting professor from another country cornered me after one such friendly after-dinner discourse and demanded to know if, as it seemed, I was indeed having an affair with the overly affectionate waitress. I tried to convince him this was all just local custom but he did not seem all that convinced.

How should I proceed under such circumstances?

GENTLE READER: Rapidly in the opposite direction. Apparently, you have not yet heard of the local custom that takes place when the waitress' gentleman friend strolls in with his buddies and discovers her in one of those innocent, good-humored embraces.

As you must have heard from working at universities, the huggie era is over. Miss Manners does not advise you to test this by embracing a student who has come to your office to discuss her grade, but she assures you that the much-overused "local custom" defense would not hold.

How unauthorized groping ever managed to pass itself off as innocent -- and even therapeutically beneficial to the victim! -- Miss Manners could never understand. Because this trampled all over the protests of poor old etiquette, the law has had to come stomping in to put a stop to the most blatant forms.

But yours, you protest, is an innocent form and besides, initiated by the ladies. Without questioning your word, Miss Manners feels obliged to mention that that is what they all say.

In deference to those innocent intentions, you should take a jocular and flattering approach to discouraging the hugs. "No, no," you might say in backing off, "I'll never be able to explain this to my (wife, girlfriend, department head)."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I own a small restaurant and am blessed to have very good business neighbors. I have become good acquaintances with the owner of a larger restaurant next door.

However, he has an annoying habit of coming over and talking to my customers when his restaurant is slow. This in itself seems rude because, friends or not, he is my competitor. Also, these chats often last over half an hour. On top of that, these visits occur when I am about to close, keeping me waiting for him to finish. I was wondering if it would be rude to ask him to leave. Would it?

GENTLE READER: Throw him out? Your best advertisement?

On the contrary, Miss Manners advises you to go over to his table and welcome him. "Do you know who this is?" you could ask your customers with whom he is chatting. "He owns the restaurant next door -- but it is here he prefers to spend his time, which pleases me no end."

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