DEAR MISS MANNERS: I believe you have said that it is rude to show up at someone's house with your own recently purchased coffee drink. I'm wondering why this practice is considered inappropriate.

My guess is that it insults the host by implying that nothing he or she could offer would please the guest as much as the tall organic half-caf extra-hot nonfat vanilla soy latte with extra foam. I am wondering why it doesn't suggest to the host, "Don't worry about me; I've taken care of my needs so that you can relax."

GENTLE READER: You are asking Miss Manners to put aside the argument that universally and throughout recorded time, refusing hospitality has been considered a serious insult. Diplomats and travelers have, for that reason, choked down all kinds of foods and drink that they found unpalatable, not to mention disgusting.

But that still leaves her with a strictly practical argument, which applies not only to the visitor with the coffee cup, but also to the guest who brings a bottle or dish when invited to dinner and expects it to be served. That is that it does not, in fact, save the host any trouble.

On the contrary, if the guest was expected for a meal, the host would have had to prepare it in advance anyway, and serving the extra food (setting it out, replacing what was planned) or drink (which may not go with the food and in any case is not likely to be enough to go around) may be extra trouble.

The casual visitor who strides in with his own coffee is not only usurping the function of the host (oops, Miss Manners was going to sidestep that point), but doing so, ungraciously, only for himself. If the host wants some, he still has to make it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been promoted to supervisor over a department of seven employees. I am much younger than the staff that I supervise, and I possess more credentials.

Two out of seven find it necessary to comment on how I dress or my shoes or my hair, usually in a negative manner. I smile and brush it off because I know in my heart what the real issue is, and I also try to deflect their attention. I know how to be rude and insulting, but I'd rather remain tactful and professional and yet get my point across.

GENTLE READER: But you are the supervisor, so you can require that they also behave professionally.

You will do better if you generalize the problem to avoid even more personal remarks about your being "oversensitive" or "unable to take a compliment."

Miss Manners recommends an office-wide memo stating that of course everyone knows that modern professional conduct prohibits making personal remarks about colleagues, and you would like to remind them that this includes compliments. That will throw them off your trail because they were not exactly giving you compliments.

Then the next time someone begins to criticize you (or even, inspired by your remark, offer you a compliment), you can issue a gentle reminder about professional behavior, thus also reminding them that you are the supervisor, whom it is unwise to antagonize.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently moved from California to Louisiana to take a distinguished university professor position. Here, it is very common for strange young ladies in service positions, such as waitresses, restaurant hostesses, bartenders and grocery clerks to address me as Hun, Sweetie, Dahlin', etc.

At institutions that I frequent, often this can also be accompanied by hugs from female staff who see me on a regular basis. I realize this is all innocent and well accepted here in the South, and so I embrace it with good humor, but the custom can sometimes lead to confusion.

For example, a visiting professor from another country cornered me after one such friendly after-dinner discourse and demanded to know if, as it seemed, I was indeed having an affair with the overly affectionate waitress. I tried to convince him this was all just local custom but he did not seem all that convinced.

How should I proceed under such circumstances?

GENTLE READER: Rapidly in the opposite direction. Apparently, you have not yet heard of the local custom that takes place when the waitress' gentleman friend strolls in with his buddies and discovers her in one of those innocent, good-humored embraces.

As you must have heard from working at universities, the huggie era is over. Miss Manners does not advise you to test this by embracing a student who has come to your office to discuss her grade, but she assures you that the much-overused "local custom" defense would not hold.

How unauthorized groping ever managed to pass itself off as innocent -- and even therapeutically beneficial to the victim! -- Miss Manners could never understand. Because this trampled all over the protests of poor old etiquette, the law has had to come stomping in to put a stop to the most blatant forms.

But yours, you protest, is an innocent form and besides, initiated by the ladies. Without questioning your word, Miss Manners feels obliged to mention that that is what they all say.

In deference to those innocent intentions, you should take a jocular and flattering approach to discouraging the hugs. "No, no," you might say in backing off, "I'll never be able to explain this to my (wife, girlfriend, department head)."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I own a small restaurant and am blessed to have very good business neighbors. I have become good acquaintances with the owner of a larger restaurant next door.

However, he has an annoying habit of coming over and talking to my customers when his restaurant is slow. This in itself seems rude because, friends or not, he is my competitor. Also, these chats often last over half an hour. On top of that, these visits occur when I am about to close, keeping me waiting for him to finish. I was wondering if it would be rude to ask him to leave. Would it?

GENTLE READER: Throw him out? Your best advertisement?

On the contrary, Miss Manners advises you to go over to his table and welcome him. "Do you know who this is?" you could ask your customers with whom he is chatting. "He owns the restaurant next door -- but it is here he prefers to spend his time, which pleases me no end."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A long-term boyfriend and I loved taking pictures together and putting them up online on our Facebook profiles for everyone to see. However, we have been broken up for almost a year now and I have been dating another guy for a while.

I have not taken down the pictures of us (there are hundreds of them) because I consider them a part of my history. People have to search pretty far back in my photos to find them. I am also afraid that it would offend him, as we are attempting to remain friends. However, it leads to some awkwardness when friends of my current boyfriend ask me about "that other guy" in some of my old pictures.

This is a fairly new problem for me, technology-wise, and I'm not sure how to approach it. Is it more appropriate for me to take the pictures down or leave them up?

GENTLE READER: When the world is clamoring to know your history, would-be biographers will be begging for your cooperation. Online postings should contain only what you might freely show new acquaintances without embarrassing others or (as an astonishing number of people need to be told) themselves.

If there is nothing in the pictures that would undermine your claim that this is an old friend of yours, a few should not have provoked curiosity -- which leads Miss Manners to believe that there are tons of them, not all pristinely discreet.

The way around offending this now-possible-friend is to tell him that you don't want to damage his chances with others by making them think that he is still attached to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter has had a few play dates and sleepovers at our house, and I am trying to teach her that when she goes to other people's houses for a play date, she should help her friend clean up before it is time to go home. She has asked her play date friends to help her clean up after playing with toys so she doesn't get stuck cleaning her toy room by herself after her friends leave.

My husband has heard her asking for help and he has instructed her that she should not do this because her friends are guests and guests are not expected to clean up. I disagree with this and wanted to find out what was the correct response

GENTLE READER: Do you not see that you and your husband are basing your arguments on different situations?

Miss Manners is afraid that it is not enough to teach your daughter how to behave as a guest and allow her to improvise host manners on the assumption that they are the same. In fact, they are opposite, although they form a synergy.

A good guest offers to help but does not insist if the offer is firmly refused. A good host never requests help and offers mild resistance if it is wanted, but firm resistance if it is not.

One reason that Miss Manners does not allow amateurs to set their own etiquette rules is that they fail to take into account the point of view of other people affected, in addition to their own.

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