DEAR MISS MANNERS: What, precisely, is a "letter of introduction"?

Characters in novels from the 19th and early 20th centuries use them whenever they come to a town unfamiliar to them, but I have never heard of one used in the 21st Century. Were they ever anything more than a novelistic conceit? Or were they used in the Old World but not the New? Or are they still used and I am just very ignorant?

GENTLE READER: Letters of introduction did, and still do, exist. Sort of. But considering that we live in a world of computer arranged assignations and virtual friendships, perhaps Miss Manners should explain what an introduction is.

People used to meet through other people whom they already knew. Without what was known as "a proper introduction," they were not supposed to form new social bonds.

Now this may sound very snobbish and pokey to you, but it did have its advantages. For example, the person who introduced you to that charming gentleman knows whether he is married. Or if he is unattached, whether parts of his first wife were found buried in the garden.

Ordinarily, an introduction was performed with all parties present and, in the case of a lady, with her permission beforehand to introduce her to a gentleman. However, at a social gathering where the host presumably knew everybody even if he was busy making sure they all had drinks, all those attending could consider themselves introduced to one another. "The roof is an introduction" was the statement that covered that.

Letters were written when the object was to acquaint a friend who was moving or traveling with another friend at that place. That was what you encountered in novels: "This is to introduce my dear friend who will be in Paris for the fall, and would be a delightful addition to your circle..." The letter would be left unsealed on the assumption that the person being introduced, to whom it was entrusted for personal delivery, was too honorable to read it. Miss Manners will let you make of that what you may.

Presumably, people are still saying, "Oh, you must look up my friend" and, if they happen to remember, firing off e-mail messages to warn the out-of-towners.

However, there is also a more formal letter of introduction still being written on paper -- the letter to introduce, or more accurately recommend, a newcomer to an organization, such as a private club. "This is to introduce Mr. William Wombat, who will be in your city for two weeks, and to request that he be given visitor privileges in your distinguished club..." It is implied, and therefore not necessary to state, that the writer promises that the gentleman can be trusted not to steal the forks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can I best explain the proper etiquette for those times my mid-teen is invited out for dinner by his friend's family? I understand that he has ordered more expensive meals than those of others at the table. Unless he's paying, there must be a rule of thumb for a guest to follow.

GENTLE READER: There is, and it was told to ladies who didn't want to look piggy: "Order from the middle of the menu." Miss Manners considers that it applies equally to gentlemen who have the good fortune to be taken out for dinner and do not want to discourage their hosts from inviting them ever again.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My beau and I just met a wonderful married couple we bonded with who enjoy inviting us to their home for barbecue dinners they prepare for us. As we get along famously, they invite us often (two or three times a week) and lavishly serve us filets with shrimp or fish. Dessert is as five-star as the wine and the meals are surely expensive!

Our problem is neither of us can reciprocate for dinner in our separate homes to show our thanks, due to family medical issues. We try to offer expensive wine or to pay but are told "no way, it would be an insult!" They have a huge inventory of fine wine and want only to share with their new good friends!

We find it difficult to refuse their invitations since we enjoy their company so much, as well. Are we correct to appreciate their friendship and generosity, as they want us to, or should we fraudulently refuse politely in order not to indulge ourselves of the situation? Is it proper etiquette to refuse the regular invites of our hosts or not? And how can we repay them in kind without insulting them?

GENTLE READER: These people are feeding you lavishly two or three times a week? Are you sure they haven't taken out adoption papers?

Ordinarily, Miss Manners would insist that you reciprocate their invitations. That you would not be able to entertain in their style does not matter in the least. No doubt they like to go out occasionally, and since they like you, they would enjoy being let into your lives.

But if that is not possible because you have sick relatives at home, you will have to be especially thoughtful about other ways to please them. Contributing wine or food is obviously superfluous.

Perhaps you could bring them books or films that might interest them. Or you could pick up on some project you hear them mention and offer to help -- hauling gardening supplies, driving them to and from the theater, fixing their computer problems, taking their house guests sightseeing, or whatever it is that they may be relieved not to have to do themselves. They have been treating you as if you were family, and family members do not pay for their meals, but are supposed to pitch in and help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am at an age where too often I hear that a friend or acquaintance is under the care of hospice. I am never quite sure how to acknowledge this. If he/she is not a close friend but someone I might see at parties or chat with in the grocery, what is appropriate? I'd like to send a card or note, but what do I say?

GENTLE READER: Please stay away from cards, Miss Manners begs you. This is a situation in which anything along the lines of "get well" will seem bitterly ironic. A personal sentiment is required, although it could be as simple as "I've missed running into you at the grocery, and want you to know I am thinking of you."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Yesterday night, my mother wanted to have a "little talk," so I listened to what she had to say. It was that this past weekend, at a family picnic with my boyfriend present, apparently I was a little more hands-on than what she prefers. I will respect her wishes and not be to touchy with him.

The only thing that bothers me is, it's not that I am inappropriately touching him, all I do is either hold his hand, rub his back or have my hand on his arm. I am not doing anything to embarrass myself or him.

She said the way I am with him in a family setting lets them see how we are when it is just him and I in a different setting, which I did not appreciate at all, but they are assuming I am like that when I am around him, which I am not.

The only reason I am like that is because the last time I was as close to someone like I am with him, he was killed in a car accident, and I am afraid that the last time I see him is going to be the last. And God forbid if something were to happen, I just want to be able to remember what he felt like.

It had taken me awhile to get close to people because it scares me that something dreadful and permanent could happen without warning. Am I inappropriately touching in a family setting?

GENTLE READER: Apparently. And your explanation, although poignant, does not excuse your being rude to others.

Miss Manners believes that this is the point that your mother was trying to make. It is not only that by giving your beau a public backrub, you invite others to violate your privacy involuntarily. It is also that you make them feel as if you wish they were not around. And while it may indeed be the case that you would rather be alone with him than at a family party, conveying that to others is rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I own many books, and some guests mistake us for a library with no due date. Dinner guests ask to borrow a book or three. Overnight guests peruse our shelves for something to read on the plane. When I try to gently dissuade the loan ("I haven't read it yet, myself") or collect the book at a later date, I'm made to feel stingy.

Our books are used for research, reread in part or in full and, yes, willingly loaned to friends on occasion. Books we no longer use are given to charity by the dozen. But our books are not party favors. Please help. What can I do?

GENTLE READER: Learn to say no. Or rather, "No, I'm so sorry; we use our books all the time and never lend them out," while plucking the volume out of the guest's hands. You have Miss Manners' assurance that anyone who makes you feel rude for not surrendering your property is the one being rude.

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