DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have already decided upon the name of our soon-to-be-born second child; however, we plan to call her by a shortened version of her first name.

Is it appropriate to put the nickname on the birth announcement cards in quotation marks, or should we just wait to tell people personally? Neither name is particularly common, so the shortened name would not be immediately obvious, as it is with names like Kate/Katherine.

I know that you would most prefer that I handwrite the announcements on my stationary, but with an older child who will be just 17 months when blessing number two arrives, this is a task not likely to be completed before the new baby enters nursery school. I do promise to write my thank you notes on time and without the use of preprinted thank you cards, though.

GENTLE READER: A moderately grateful Miss Manners believes that this will be time enough to mention the nickname. They are unlikely to hold extensive correspondence with your child before that.

But she would like to remind you, in your dealings with others, that nicknames are never obvious, and it is always rude to assume them without specific knowledge. Katherine could just as easily be known as Kathy, Kay or Mildred (her middle name). Or Speedy (never mind).

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my place of employment, where we have all women, it is common practice to pool money to buy gifts for each other's special events, such as weddings, baby showers, etc.

It is not mandatory or pressured, and it is made clear that you may or may not contribute without anyone being ostracized. You may give as little or as much as you want, or you may choose not to give at all, and you still are included in signing a card for the recipient.

This works well in general, but we have one person who feels the need to give an "extra something" gift if the occasion is to benefit management. No one ever gets an "extra" gift from her unless they are someone in a position of authority.

We all feel that this is obvious brown-nosing, including the management. The offense is particularly annoying because it is done at the presenting of the pool gift giving and not done discreetly and privately. No one can decide why it is bothersome, but it tends to ruffle feathers each time.

This has gone on for eight years, with various people in managerial positions. The last time, I wanted to tell the offender in private that this is improper and hurtful to the others, but knew there would be repercussions, as she would go to management and complain that I was causing upset. The bigger offense would then be mine, I'm sure. No one seems to know what to do, if anything, but we feel this is improper nonetheless. What is your opinion?

GENTLE READER: That the problem is not yours, nor is it your other colleagues'. This has been going on for eight years, and everyone is on to the motive. You have not told Miss Manners that it has resulted in this person's raking in the raises and promotions, in which case you would have a formal complaint. She suspects that rather it has resulted in the recipients' characterizing their employee in the same unfortunate term that you use.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our neighborhood holds a party each August or September for all residents to gather in someone's yard and enjoy potluck and amiable conversation. Five or six of us usually organize it and take turns offering our yards. Most people in the neighborhood come most years.

When it is in my yard, I always use my "outdoor" place settings and cloth napkins. I expect to wash and launder these items myself, as I do with other parties we have with family or friends. However, my neighbors have never allowed me to do so. They insist on entering my kitchen uninvited and helping me clean up. When it is in someone else's yard, paper goods are always used. I have never criticized this practice.

This year, I could not attend the planning meeting. One of the women called me to ask if the party could be in my yard. After I said "yes," she told me we need to use paper goods so clean up is not a hardship on anyone.

Is it to rude for me to tell the neighbors I have changed my plan? Another friend and I would like to hold a birthday party for her daughter and family in my yard on the designated evening instead. Only part of my motivation is to avoid having my manners dictated to me.

GENTLE READER: Really? And yet you want to throw your own yard party, which they will all be able to see and yet are presumably not invited to attend, on the very day you had agreed to have theirs?

Were you planning on moving soon?

If not, Miss Manners can suggest less provocative ways of dealing with the two problems you raise.

The first is to apologize that you didn't realize that the date chosen is your friend's daughter's birthday, and say that you would be happy to have the neighborhood party if they could please move it to a different date.

The second is merely to state firmly that although you always use your own flatware and napkins, you want to reassure everyone that that you actually prefer to do the cleaning up yourself, and only want them to attend and enjoy themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It is not uncommon for employees under my supervision to approach me to ask me a question while in the process of consuming a snack, asking the question with a mouth full of food.

What can I say to deter this? I've thought of saying that I'd be happy to answer the question after the employee is finished with his/her snack, but I'm concerned that this will result in hurt feelings. I've also thought of claiming, in an apologetic tone, that I have trouble understanding what people are saying when they are speaking with food in their mouths, but I'm concerned that this approach might not get the point across sufficiently directly to ensure that it doesn't happen again.

I can't take it much longer!

GENTLE READER: And you needn't. Miss Manners reminds you that the polite thing to say before you turn away is, "I don't want to interrupt your lunch. Let's talk when you've finished eating."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in a fairly affluent neighborhood in a woodsy suburb of a major city. At least a couple times per year, trees fall during storms, causing a power outage, some of which last an extended period of time.

Like a few other residents of this neighborhood, we purchased a backup generator, which automatically supplies power when there is an outage.

A neighbor with whom we are cordial but do not socialize began appearing at our door during these outages and requesting to use our refrigerator, our bathroom to apply makeup for a night out on the town, and other such requests. The last time she brought an extension cord and suggested that we let her run it to her house.

We feel a bit like the Little Red Hen -- we've taken the initiative to prepare for these outages, yet this woman just wants to rely on us. While I dislike the invasion of our privacy (she is a virtual stranger), I can think of no polite way of turning down these seemingly harmless requests. How does one turn away a neighbor who appears with soon-to-spoil meat without causing an unpleasant riff?

GENTLE READER: By becoming slightly less reliable. But only slightly, as you do not want to turn away even an irresponsible neighbor in genuine need.

You could take in the meat, for example, but apologize that you can't tie up the bathroom. No explanation needed -- there are, after all, unmentionable reasons that you might need it in a hurry. And you might remark that you are glad to be able to save the meat this time, because you often stock up on groceries and would not always have room.

Miss Manners gathers that you shot down the extension-cord suggestion, and hopes that you take all opportunities to warn that you cannot overload your system, and to say, in a friendly way, "The power is so unreliable around here that many of us feel it is essential for every house to have its own generator."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I ran into a friend I had not seen in some time, who, over the course of the conversation informed me that her grandfather died a few months previously.

As it so happens, I had been informed of that fact at the time, and sent her a condolence note.

Answering, "Yes, I know; I sent a condolence note" is obviously out of the question, since it implicitly contains an accusation to the bereaved. On the other hand, I do not wish to be thought a cad (if an unaccused one) for being thought to have failed to live up to a relatively important social obligation.

What, then, might be the appropriate response?

GENTLE READER: You realize, of course, that "I know" is not a proper first response to the mention of a death. You start with "I'm so sorry" and then say or ask a few words about the deceased.

At that point, you can throw in "Did you get my letter?" provided you add, "I know you must have had tons of mail," so that you don't seem to accuse her of not replying. Which, apparently, she didn't.

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