DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our neighborhood holds a party each August or September for all residents to gather in someone's yard and enjoy potluck and amiable conversation. Five or six of us usually organize it and take turns offering our yards. Most people in the neighborhood come most years.

When it is in my yard, I always use my "outdoor" place settings and cloth napkins. I expect to wash and launder these items myself, as I do with other parties we have with family or friends. However, my neighbors have never allowed me to do so. They insist on entering my kitchen uninvited and helping me clean up. When it is in someone else's yard, paper goods are always used. I have never criticized this practice.

This year, I could not attend the planning meeting. One of the women called me to ask if the party could be in my yard. After I said "yes," she told me we need to use paper goods so clean up is not a hardship on anyone.

Is it to rude for me to tell the neighbors I have changed my plan? Another friend and I would like to hold a birthday party for her daughter and family in my yard on the designated evening instead. Only part of my motivation is to avoid having my manners dictated to me.

GENTLE READER: Really? And yet you want to throw your own yard party, which they will all be able to see and yet are presumably not invited to attend, on the very day you had agreed to have theirs?

Were you planning on moving soon?

If not, Miss Manners can suggest less provocative ways of dealing with the two problems you raise.

The first is to apologize that you didn't realize that the date chosen is your friend's daughter's birthday, and say that you would be happy to have the neighborhood party if they could please move it to a different date.

The second is merely to state firmly that although you always use your own flatware and napkins, you want to reassure everyone that that you actually prefer to do the cleaning up yourself, and only want them to attend and enjoy themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It is not uncommon for employees under my supervision to approach me to ask me a question while in the process of consuming a snack, asking the question with a mouth full of food.

What can I say to deter this? I've thought of saying that I'd be happy to answer the question after the employee is finished with his/her snack, but I'm concerned that this will result in hurt feelings. I've also thought of claiming, in an apologetic tone, that I have trouble understanding what people are saying when they are speaking with food in their mouths, but I'm concerned that this approach might not get the point across sufficiently directly to ensure that it doesn't happen again.

I can't take it much longer!

GENTLE READER: And you needn't. Miss Manners reminds you that the polite thing to say before you turn away is, "I don't want to interrupt your lunch. Let's talk when you've finished eating."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in a fairly affluent neighborhood in a woodsy suburb of a major city. At least a couple times per year, trees fall during storms, causing a power outage, some of which last an extended period of time.

Like a few other residents of this neighborhood, we purchased a backup generator, which automatically supplies power when there is an outage.

A neighbor with whom we are cordial but do not socialize began appearing at our door during these outages and requesting to use our refrigerator, our bathroom to apply makeup for a night out on the town, and other such requests. The last time she brought an extension cord and suggested that we let her run it to her house.

We feel a bit like the Little Red Hen -- we've taken the initiative to prepare for these outages, yet this woman just wants to rely on us. While I dislike the invasion of our privacy (she is a virtual stranger), I can think of no polite way of turning down these seemingly harmless requests. How does one turn away a neighbor who appears with soon-to-spoil meat without causing an unpleasant riff?

GENTLE READER: By becoming slightly less reliable. But only slightly, as you do not want to turn away even an irresponsible neighbor in genuine need.

You could take in the meat, for example, but apologize that you can't tie up the bathroom. No explanation needed -- there are, after all, unmentionable reasons that you might need it in a hurry. And you might remark that you are glad to be able to save the meat this time, because you often stock up on groceries and would not always have room.

Miss Manners gathers that you shot down the extension-cord suggestion, and hopes that you take all opportunities to warn that you cannot overload your system, and to say, in a friendly way, "The power is so unreliable around here that many of us feel it is essential for every house to have its own generator."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I ran into a friend I had not seen in some time, who, over the course of the conversation informed me that her grandfather died a few months previously.

As it so happens, I had been informed of that fact at the time, and sent her a condolence note.

Answering, "Yes, I know; I sent a condolence note" is obviously out of the question, since it implicitly contains an accusation to the bereaved. On the other hand, I do not wish to be thought a cad (if an unaccused one) for being thought to have failed to live up to a relatively important social obligation.

What, then, might be the appropriate response?

GENTLE READER: You realize, of course, that "I know" is not a proper first response to the mention of a death. You start with "I'm so sorry" and then say or ask a few words about the deceased.

At that point, you can throw in "Did you get my letter?" provided you add, "I know you must have had tons of mail," so that you don't seem to accuse her of not replying. Which, apparently, she didn't.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister is hurt because her daughter's boyfriend did not include her when he asked the dad for their daughter's hand in marriage. Her boyfriend also asked the dad to go with him to pick up the ring, and he did, and the dad said to everyone, "We got it" when they got back home.

Our son-in-law asked us to dinner when he asked to marry our daughter. Maybe ours was an unusual situation, but I thought it was nice to be included.

What is the norm? My sister talked to her daughter's boyfriend several times a week before this happened. She has not talked to him or returned his phone calls since February.

My sister and niece will be coming in a week, and her fiance lives in our town.

GENTLE READER: Then perhaps you will have a chance to resolve this ridiculous misunderstanding before it wrecks two families and a wedding.

The custom of asking for a lady's hand in marriage dates from long before ladies had the vote, politically or domestically, so the mother was not officially consulted. Among modern gentlemen who preserve the custom, some update it to address both parents, and some do not.

But it should be remembered that this procedure, although charming, is a mere formality now, when the hand is only too likely to have been freely given long before, often along with the other parts. For that matter, it was something of a formality then, when even a draconian father was not likely to be able to stand up to a determined daughter.

So the prospective bridegroom is guilty only of having preserved an anachronistic custom. If you can explain to your sister that no insult was intended, and get her prospective son-in-law to do the same, you will have done the family a service.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend lives in an apartment with two bathrooms, only one of which is easily accessible to guests and which serves as the main facility. When she entertains at dinner or a party, she replaces the bath towel with several hand towels, but ordinarily there is only one hand towel hanging from a towel ring. She keeps a supply of hand towels on the open shelf of a small table opposite the wash basin.

On a casual visit, should one use the hand towel that is obviously hers or a fresh one from the shelf? This is clearly not a matter of great moment, but I am curious about what Miss Manners considers appropriate.

GENTLE READER: Which one is not a matter of great moment, either, as they were all clearly put out for guest use. What Miss Manners considers inappropriate, not to mention icky, is the guest who emerges from the bathroom dry-handed, leaving all the guest towels pristine.

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