DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a server in a coffee shop, I am constantly greeting customers, and I make a genuine effort to be kind and polite to everyone. I greet most customers by asking how they are or how their day is going. Nine out of 10 responses begin with the phrase, "I'll have..."

How do you suggest I respond to an answer of a question I did not ask?

It truly hurts my feelings to be ignored while attempting human interaction apart from the usual impersonal (and often required or even prerecorded) greeting at other quick-service restaurants. I realize it is probably not my place, but I am tired of biting my tongue and feeling less than worthy of a response or even recognition as a human being and not a drink-making machine. Please let me know a polite response.

GENTLE READER: "Coming right up"? Or perhaps "Is it to go?"

Miss Manners does not mean to stomp on your already-smarting feelings. On the contrary, she shares your wish that people would acknowledge one another cordially in such transient situations.

But that is done by offering pleasantries, not by opening conversations. You will have better luck with remarks than with questions. "Lovely day" or "Nice to see you again" require only a grunt and a smile, not an accounting of how the day is going. Slowing down fast-food customers is not a good idea. Treating them as human beings, not just coffee-consuming machines, is.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a small community of 99 homes that unfortunately hosts an electronic bulletin board to which about half of our families subscribe.

When two neighbors got into a very public squabble about a cat, a third neighbor stepped into the fray, chose sides, declared one of the neighbors to be "irresponsible," and then posited that if this person were irresponsible in one aspect of their lives, it would likely carry over into other areas. He closed by saying, "I hope this person does not have children."

Of course, we all know all the people involved, and of course the person to whom this diatribe was directed does, indeed, have two beautiful children.

I recognize that if everyone had minded their own business, none of this would have happened, and I do not wish to emulate all off the bad behavior exhibited by those involved. However, my sense of moral indignation has been aroused, and I do not wish to permit intolerant and wrong-minded opinions to go uncorrected.

Do I confront this individual who publicly hurled hurtful comments on the off-hand chance that he will recognize and correct his behavior and possibly apologize, or do I continue to mind my own business?

GENTLE READER: That depends on whether you are hoping to be the subject of this person's next posting.

If, however, your desire is to live in a peaceful neighborhood, Miss Manners would take another approach. She suggests posting a "Dear Neighbors" letter, stating how much you enjoy the area, and regretting that minor squabbles sometimes result in people saying things they don't really mean. (Surely this includes not only the denouncer, but also the cat-fighters.) Then you close by proposing a clean slate, after which the bulletin board is to operate according to the neighborliness that all must surely want.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have, for some years, been hiking a relatively secluded, wooded trail that hugs the side of a canyon where I can enjoy the peace, tranquility and gentle sounds of nature.

Recently, the setting has been altered by a man who has chosen to practice bagpipes near the head of the trail. The acoustics of the land are such that sound carries for great distances, and even well into my walk I can still hear him.

As a devoted amateur musician and lover of most music, including bagpipes, and with sensitive hearing, I find myself dismayed that the aesthetics of this natural setting have been altered. I might add that the player does not seem to play songs, but rather tends to improvise and noodle along.

While this may not rival the intrusiveness of booming car stereo music that rattles one's windows and internal organs, I still find it incompatible with this hitherto tranquil place.

Am I incorrect in questioning the player's judgment in choosing this venue, and, if not, is there a polite way of communicating with him?

GENTLE READER: Have you no pity for the desperate person who said, "If you must play that thing, will you at least take it outdoors, where it won't drive a body crazy?"

Oh, wait. It drives you crazy.

And yet you say you are a lover of even bagpipe music. How are you going to have any if the musicians have no place to practice?

No, not Miss Manners' front porch. But thanks, just the same.

She suggests that you track down the musician, compliment the playing, and then ask when he practices. Then see if you can work out a compromise about who is in the woods when. It will be easier if you say you would enjoy hearing him perform some time but need the quiet walks to clear your head.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After being together a dozen years, my male partner and I married when it became legal for us to travel to another country and do so. I know that marriage changes the social status of a relationship. We wear matching wedding bands, though we actually acquired them and began wearing them long before any public or legal ceremony.

I am proud of my marriage and want, by my example, to help make same-sex marriage visible. I still introduce my partner as my "partner," even when we have traveled to countries or states where our marriage is recognized. Is there some way I can gracefully introduce my partner that reflects our marriage? Calling him my "husband" seems pretentious. Or am I being pretentious in wanting to publicize the fact that our relationship has been consummated by marriage?

GENTLE READER: Why do you consider it pretentious to call him your husband? Isn't the point that it is no longer a pretend marriage?

That said, Miss Manners hopes you understand that there is a difference in going public and publicizing. By all means, employ the conventional terms and acknowledgements of marriage. The more you get used to doing this normally, rather than as propaganda, the more unremarkable it will seem to others. And that, not shock, is surely the reaction you want.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am curious about the tradition of wedding dances. We have the happy couple's first dance. Then there is the father/daughter dance followed by the mother/son. By now, all the guests at the reception are happily chatting amongst themselves, no longer paying attention, and we segue into the son and mother-in-law, etc.

What is appropriate for an evening wedding with a band or D.J.? How long should the dances be, and how many should there be?

GENTLE READER: The idea is for the bridal couple to open the dancing, not to give a private dance featuring their relatives, while the guests' function is to stand around admiring them.

Or not. No wonder couples confess to nervousness about the simple act of dancing with each other. Getting married is not a sufficient qualification to stage a dance performance before an audience.

Miss Manners gathers that you have heard about those lists in which the order of dancing is specified for a long line of relatives, regardless of whether or not they are on speaking terms. Such overplanning arises from the suspicion that the gentlemen of the wedding party are innocent of the requirement to dance with the principal ladies instead of only following their personal preferences.

The idea is for the parents to dance with the couple and one another, and, by the way, it would be nice if the gentlemen asked Granny to dance, too. And for the guests to be treated as guests.

Guests should not be kept waiting, even the full length of one dance. Halfway through the bridal couple's dance, the bride's father cuts in to dance with his daughter and the bereft bridegroom turns to his mother. (This can also be done with the respective in-laws first.) At this point, the bridesmaids and groomsmen should take to the dance floor and encourage the other guests to follow.

Presumably, the bridal couple's enjoyment is in gazing at each other, not in being gazed at.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boss recently hosted a company picnic at his residence. This event was considered a command performance. If you were not otherwise on company business/travel or on vacation, you were expected to attend.

It was a staff person who organized the event (catering, balloons, decorations). Neither the boss nor his wife had to bother with anything other than entertaining staff.

However, several staff showed up with host/hostess gifts such as bottles of wine, plants, etc. I say this was inappropriate and only served to embarrass the boss, but others were confused about what to do. Who is correct? If I am correct, how to discourage this behavior next year?

GENTLE READER: You have two mistaken premises here, Miss Manners feels obliged to point out. A small present given to one's hosts is not compensation for having cooked and vacuumed. (Nor is it, as others seem to feel, repayment for the meal.) It is merely an optional courtesy. And whether others choose to take this option is out of your control.

Miss Manners happens to think that it is a bit much to bring presents to one's boss's compulsory gathering, and perhaps your boss does, too. Perhaps not. But if he is counting donations and penalizing those who don't come across, you would better spend your time looking for a decent job.

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