DEAR MISS MANNERS: A group of friends and I are having a discussion regarding good manners and respect. My view is that respect comes from understanding and having good manners, whereas it is being put to me that good manners and respect are two distinctly separate things that can be had one without the other. We would be very interested in learning your thoughts on the matter, and I would consider them to be the final word on the subject.

GENTLE READER: Promising Miss Manners that her word will be the final one, even before you have heard it -- now that is respect. She thanks you.

Yet she admits that the term "respect" is rather loosely used in the manners business. This leads to the sort of argument in which a parent says, "You have to show more respect for Granny," and the child replies, "Why, since she just got out of jail for petty larceny?"

The sort of respect to which the parent is referring is a part of good manners. It means exhibiting consideration toward everyone and showing special deference to those who are older or in a position of authority.

But the child hears the word to mean the genuine admiration felt for someone who has proved himself to be worthy of it. That sort of respect is, indeed, a thing apart, which etiquette cannot mandate.

Manners require only that people show respect, although with the secret hope that the outward form will become internalized. What people feel as they size up individuals is up to them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I express condolences to a friend or acquaintance over the death of an elderly parent, it frequently elicits a comment that I don't know how to respond to.

My parents died in a car accident when I was in my teens, so my sincere expression of sympathy is often countered with different versions of "Of course, my loss is nothing compared to yours." This is followed by a reiteration of the circumstances of my parents' death and the inference that I couldn't possibly relate to their devastation over the loss of a parent who has lived to see their grandchildren grow up.

This creates an awkward situation and makes me feel that I have to justify their feelings with, "Any loss is difficult, no matter when it occurs," which doesn't seem to satisfy their need to make me relive my childhood tragedy. Any advice on how to handle or short circuit a conversation that is occurring more often, now that people in my circle are of the age when their parents are dying from natural causes.

GENTLE READER: You are quite right, not only that comparisons should not be made, but also that your only hope of stopping them is to get out of that conversation, fast.

Miss Manners reminds you that you are talking to people who have just suffered a loss. After acknowledging that it is hard to lose a parent under any circumstances, you should rush into returning the focus on their loss. "Tell me more about your mother; I wish I'd known her better" or "I remember your telling me a delightful story about your father..." is the sort of remark to get them going.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I need to get legally married now for immigration purposes in order to stay in the same country after I graduate medical school. We cannot afford a wedding right now, and the timing is bad because of an intense medical school schedule.

For the two of us, this civil marriage feels like our engagement. We would also like our family and friends to think our wedding is meaningful when we do have the "real" ceremony in a year or so.

However, we didn't want to keep such a serious decision from our parents, who are traditional and upset about this split set-up.

What should we tell friends who kindly inquire about our future plans and engagement status? What should we ask our parents to say when faced with the same questions? I dislike lying, but I also feel that this is private information.

GENTLE READER: We can only hope that your reluctance to face the facts and your conviction that you can manipulate reality and suppress inconvenient information will not carry over to your medical career.

Miss Manners is aware that many couples have now separated getting married from what they are pleased to call "having a wedding." They throw the party at another time, which would be fine in itself, but they include a fake ceremony, as if that made it as important an occasion as the real thing.

That Miss Manners is not the only person who considers this fraudulent is evident from your realization that your guests will not find the rerun as meaningful as actually witnessing your marriage. And you cannot make your legal marriage into an engagement by declaring it so.

Rather than tangle yourself further in this deception, Miss Manners recommends admitting that you are married but that you will be inviting them to a delayed celebration later. If you must, you can add, "and we'll be re-enacting the ceremony then."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have an ongoing debate that perhaps you can clear up. He says inviting someone out for dinner, lunch, ice cream, etc., means we are obligated to pay for their meal. I say this isn't nececesarily so. What is the proper etiquette regarding this issue?

GENTLE READER: Your husband is correct. When you invite someone out for dinner, you pay. When you agree to meet people for dinner, people pay for themselves. Miss Manners warns you that careless verbs will cost you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband died this year. Is it appropriate for me to return the gifts given to him over the years by good friends?

GENTLE READER: Please do not do that. Miss Manners knows that you mean well, but to return a present is an insult, and your doing so would be interpreted as breaking off your tie to the donors now that your husband is not there. Giving each of his close friend a photograph or other memento would, however, have an opposite and gracious effect.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Here's one: My cousin attended a small dinner party of six at the apartment of an old high school chum. My cousin recently went back to college and is living off student loans. She showed up at the party sans hostess gift or wine, thinking the old friends would cut her some slack.

During the dinner, the hostess ran out of wine and sent someone to the store to fetch some. The next day, my cousin sent the hostess a thank-you e-mail and received a stern reply pointing out that my cousin showed up empty-handed and didn't help with the dishes later on. (She was tired and retired early.)

Couple of things: Is it necessary at all times to bring something to a gathering, no matter how small? And must one always offer to help with the dishes even if the hostess doesn't seem to need help? What are the unwritten or written rules? And what do you think of pointing out your dissatisfaction to your guest when they have sent their thanks for the evening?

GENTLE READER: How charming that this hostess is so etiquette-conscious. She cares so deeply about the guest's obligations to the hostess that she has no room left to care about the hostess' obligations to the guest.

And she is wrong about the guests' obligations, Miss Manners regrets to say. Presents and chores are optional; there is no requirement of catering or bartering for dinner, and of doing housework. Guests are only obliged to reply to the invitation, show up on time dressed according to the style of the event, greet the hostess, socialize with the other guests, go home at a decent hour, write their thanks and, eventually, reciprocate the invitation (when they will take on all those responsibilities).

Your cousin has done all her duties but the last, and Miss Manners absolves her from that. Anyone who would chastise a guest like that is not fit for civilized society.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I made plans to drive and pick up a friend at his/her house at a certain time, when is the appropriate time to call to tell my friend that I will be there soon? Right before I am ready to leave? While I am on my way? Do I call my friend when I'm right outside his/her house and say, "I'm here"? Or do I just hope my friend remembered our get-together and give no notification?

GENTLE READER: Score one for the cellular telephone. For years now, it has been everyone's favorite etiquette target, even as practically everyone is acquiring one.

Miss Manners keeps urging people not to blame the poor telephone for having a rude owner. And here is an instance when it is an aide to etiquette. If you have any doubt that your friend remembered the appointment, you should confirm it earlier in the day. And it is an extra convenience, especially if you might be running late, to stop on the way to call and say, "I'll be there in 10 minutes," or to call, rather than honk, when you arrive.

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