DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I need to get legally married now for immigration purposes in order to stay in the same country after I graduate medical school. We cannot afford a wedding right now, and the timing is bad because of an intense medical school schedule.

For the two of us, this civil marriage feels like our engagement. We would also like our family and friends to think our wedding is meaningful when we do have the "real" ceremony in a year or so.

However, we didn't want to keep such a serious decision from our parents, who are traditional and upset about this split set-up.

What should we tell friends who kindly inquire about our future plans and engagement status? What should we ask our parents to say when faced with the same questions? I dislike lying, but I also feel that this is private information.

GENTLE READER: We can only hope that your reluctance to face the facts and your conviction that you can manipulate reality and suppress inconvenient information will not carry over to your medical career.

Miss Manners is aware that many couples have now separated getting married from what they are pleased to call "having a wedding." They throw the party at another time, which would be fine in itself, but they include a fake ceremony, as if that made it as important an occasion as the real thing.

That Miss Manners is not the only person who considers this fraudulent is evident from your realization that your guests will not find the rerun as meaningful as actually witnessing your marriage. And you cannot make your legal marriage into an engagement by declaring it so.

Rather than tangle yourself further in this deception, Miss Manners recommends admitting that you are married but that you will be inviting them to a delayed celebration later. If you must, you can add, "and we'll be re-enacting the ceremony then."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have an ongoing debate that perhaps you can clear up. He says inviting someone out for dinner, lunch, ice cream, etc., means we are obligated to pay for their meal. I say this isn't nececesarily so. What is the proper etiquette regarding this issue?

GENTLE READER: Your husband is correct. When you invite someone out for dinner, you pay. When you agree to meet people for dinner, people pay for themselves. Miss Manners warns you that careless verbs will cost you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband died this year. Is it appropriate for me to return the gifts given to him over the years by good friends?

GENTLE READER: Please do not do that. Miss Manners knows that you mean well, but to return a present is an insult, and your doing so would be interpreted as breaking off your tie to the donors now that your husband is not there. Giving each of his close friend a photograph or other memento would, however, have an opposite and gracious effect.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Here's one: My cousin attended a small dinner party of six at the apartment of an old high school chum. My cousin recently went back to college and is living off student loans. She showed up at the party sans hostess gift or wine, thinking the old friends would cut her some slack.

During the dinner, the hostess ran out of wine and sent someone to the store to fetch some. The next day, my cousin sent the hostess a thank-you e-mail and received a stern reply pointing out that my cousin showed up empty-handed and didn't help with the dishes later on. (She was tired and retired early.)

Couple of things: Is it necessary at all times to bring something to a gathering, no matter how small? And must one always offer to help with the dishes even if the hostess doesn't seem to need help? What are the unwritten or written rules? And what do you think of pointing out your dissatisfaction to your guest when they have sent their thanks for the evening?

GENTLE READER: How charming that this hostess is so etiquette-conscious. She cares so deeply about the guest's obligations to the hostess that she has no room left to care about the hostess' obligations to the guest.

And she is wrong about the guests' obligations, Miss Manners regrets to say. Presents and chores are optional; there is no requirement of catering or bartering for dinner, and of doing housework. Guests are only obliged to reply to the invitation, show up on time dressed according to the style of the event, greet the hostess, socialize with the other guests, go home at a decent hour, write their thanks and, eventually, reciprocate the invitation (when they will take on all those responsibilities).

Your cousin has done all her duties but the last, and Miss Manners absolves her from that. Anyone who would chastise a guest like that is not fit for civilized society.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I made plans to drive and pick up a friend at his/her house at a certain time, when is the appropriate time to call to tell my friend that I will be there soon? Right before I am ready to leave? While I am on my way? Do I call my friend when I'm right outside his/her house and say, "I'm here"? Or do I just hope my friend remembered our get-together and give no notification?

GENTLE READER: Score one for the cellular telephone. For years now, it has been everyone's favorite etiquette target, even as practically everyone is acquiring one.

Miss Manners keeps urging people not to blame the poor telephone for having a rude owner. And here is an instance when it is an aide to etiquette. If you have any doubt that your friend remembered the appointment, you should confirm it earlier in the day. And it is an extra convenience, especially if you might be running late, to stop on the way to call and say, "I'll be there in 10 minutes," or to call, rather than honk, when you arrive.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a baseball fan, but my enjoyment is spoiled by the distasteful TV views of spitting by players, coaches and even umpires.

Please tell your readers (hopefully many players, too) that their habits are gross, not appreciated and a very bad example to kids. Ditto for the probable underlying causes, including chewing tobacco, seeds or what ever else they chew. They can relieve their anxiety or boredom with a stick of gum (not bubble) if necessary. The TV broadcasters could use a little common sense, too, by not capturing the spitting on close-ups. Will you help?

GENTLE READER: What -- and get killed? And not only by those who believe that spitting is a time-honored, if not sacred, tradition among baseball players, but by those who are indignant that gum-chewing was not also condemned.

Nor does Miss Manners want to take on the task of refining television, which does not strike her as a promising proposition.

Lest you believe this to be cowardice, she hastens to explain that although she dislikes vulgarity as much as you or more, she disagrees with your approach. Television in general, and athletes in particular, can hardly be expected to serve as models of decorum.

But bad examples can serve as examples, too. Children will always be exposed to the variety of human behavior, and it is the job of the responsible adults they know, such as parents, teachers and clergy, to teach them to evaluate it. A parent who shares the child's admiration for a player's prowess, but then says, "Eeew, disgusting" when he spits will elicit a giggle. But the parent's influence will linger, all the same, when the athlete's fades.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As the worship team at church led moving and inspirational songs, a woman behind me was talking rather loudly to the woman next to her, which was interfering with the worship experience. Another woman, sitting nearby, gave me a look of frustration, as if to confirm that she was also quite disturbed.

Hoping that the talking would end soon, I turned back to the worship team. When it didn't stop, I turned again to look at the women. I didn't have a nasty look on my face, as I was only hoping to draw their attention to the fact that they could be heard, which I assumed would cause them to be quiet. Unfortunately, this didn't work.

Finally, I simply leaned across the row between us to get their attention, which was difficult to do because they were so wrapped up in their conversation, and I very politely asked them to please quiet down. Before I turned back around, I noticed the woman nearby smiling at me gratefully.

I was then able to finish worshipping without distraction.

The problem is that I've continued to feel guilty about it. Should I have handled the situation differently?

GENTLE READER: Why? You made your objection politely, and furthermore, it worked. You, the other lady and everyone around were allowed to worship in peace.

So whatever guilt you feel now, Miss Manners had nothing to do with engendering it. Please unload it on your minister.

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