DEAR MISS MANNERS: Here's one: My cousin attended a small dinner party of six at the apartment of an old high school chum. My cousin recently went back to college and is living off student loans. She showed up at the party sans hostess gift or wine, thinking the old friends would cut her some slack.

During the dinner, the hostess ran out of wine and sent someone to the store to fetch some. The next day, my cousin sent the hostess a thank-you e-mail and received a stern reply pointing out that my cousin showed up empty-handed and didn't help with the dishes later on. (She was tired and retired early.)

Couple of things: Is it necessary at all times to bring something to a gathering, no matter how small? And must one always offer to help with the dishes even if the hostess doesn't seem to need help? What are the unwritten or written rules? And what do you think of pointing out your dissatisfaction to your guest when they have sent their thanks for the evening?

GENTLE READER: How charming that this hostess is so etiquette-conscious. She cares so deeply about the guest's obligations to the hostess that she has no room left to care about the hostess' obligations to the guest.

And she is wrong about the guests' obligations, Miss Manners regrets to say. Presents and chores are optional; there is no requirement of catering or bartering for dinner, and of doing housework. Guests are only obliged to reply to the invitation, show up on time dressed according to the style of the event, greet the hostess, socialize with the other guests, go home at a decent hour, write their thanks and, eventually, reciprocate the invitation (when they will take on all those responsibilities).

Your cousin has done all her duties but the last, and Miss Manners absolves her from that. Anyone who would chastise a guest like that is not fit for civilized society.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I made plans to drive and pick up a friend at his/her house at a certain time, when is the appropriate time to call to tell my friend that I will be there soon? Right before I am ready to leave? While I am on my way? Do I call my friend when I'm right outside his/her house and say, "I'm here"? Or do I just hope my friend remembered our get-together and give no notification?

GENTLE READER: Score one for the cellular telephone. For years now, it has been everyone's favorite etiquette target, even as practically everyone is acquiring one.

Miss Manners keeps urging people not to blame the poor telephone for having a rude owner. And here is an instance when it is an aide to etiquette. If you have any doubt that your friend remembered the appointment, you should confirm it earlier in the day. And it is an extra convenience, especially if you might be running late, to stop on the way to call and say, "I'll be there in 10 minutes," or to call, rather than honk, when you arrive.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a baseball fan, but my enjoyment is spoiled by the distasteful TV views of spitting by players, coaches and even umpires.

Please tell your readers (hopefully many players, too) that their habits are gross, not appreciated and a very bad example to kids. Ditto for the probable underlying causes, including chewing tobacco, seeds or what ever else they chew. They can relieve their anxiety or boredom with a stick of gum (not bubble) if necessary. The TV broadcasters could use a little common sense, too, by not capturing the spitting on close-ups. Will you help?

GENTLE READER: What -- and get killed? And not only by those who believe that spitting is a time-honored, if not sacred, tradition among baseball players, but by those who are indignant that gum-chewing was not also condemned.

Nor does Miss Manners want to take on the task of refining television, which does not strike her as a promising proposition.

Lest you believe this to be cowardice, she hastens to explain that although she dislikes vulgarity as much as you or more, she disagrees with your approach. Television in general, and athletes in particular, can hardly be expected to serve as models of decorum.

But bad examples can serve as examples, too. Children will always be exposed to the variety of human behavior, and it is the job of the responsible adults they know, such as parents, teachers and clergy, to teach them to evaluate it. A parent who shares the child's admiration for a player's prowess, but then says, "Eeew, disgusting" when he spits will elicit a giggle. But the parent's influence will linger, all the same, when the athlete's fades.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As the worship team at church led moving and inspirational songs, a woman behind me was talking rather loudly to the woman next to her, which was interfering with the worship experience. Another woman, sitting nearby, gave me a look of frustration, as if to confirm that she was also quite disturbed.

Hoping that the talking would end soon, I turned back to the worship team. When it didn't stop, I turned again to look at the women. I didn't have a nasty look on my face, as I was only hoping to draw their attention to the fact that they could be heard, which I assumed would cause them to be quiet. Unfortunately, this didn't work.

Finally, I simply leaned across the row between us to get their attention, which was difficult to do because they were so wrapped up in their conversation, and I very politely asked them to please quiet down. Before I turned back around, I noticed the woman nearby smiling at me gratefully.

I was then able to finish worshipping without distraction.

The problem is that I've continued to feel guilty about it. Should I have handled the situation differently?

GENTLE READER: Why? You made your objection politely, and furthermore, it worked. You, the other lady and everyone around were allowed to worship in peace.

So whatever guilt you feel now, Miss Manners had nothing to do with engendering it. Please unload it on your minister.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife is training for a marathon. She's very athletic, a beautiful woman and a mother of five who keeps herself fit through running. She is planning on competing in a marathon out of town, and going with her sister and her sister's two adult children. Our children will still be in school, so I will be staying home.

What my wife has proposed is that in order to save money, she would share a hotel room with her sister and her sister's two children.

My concern is that one of these grown children is a 22-year-old male. I wouldn't call myself a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but I believe that it is improper for my wife to share a hotel room with an adult male, even if he is her nephew. My wife tells me that if she can't share the costs of the hotel, she won't be able to live her dream of running a marathon. "And besides," she says, "he's my nephew...."

My argument is that he may be her nephew, but he's still a grown man. Do you have any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Yes: that you tell her that you love and admire her, wish her luck, assure her that everything at home will be fine, and ask her to give your love to her relatives.

Meanwhile, you have given Miss Manners an unpleasant time of it, trying to think what you imagine could be improper.

It can't be what the neighbors will think, because they will be in a hotel with transient neighbors. And -- please! -- it is surely not that you think your nephew might be overcome with incestuous lust for his aunt, despite the presence of his mother and sister, or that your hitherto blameless wife will betray you and your children because of the proximity of her nephew, not to mention her sister and her niece.

So why don't we both stop thinking along these lines and hope that she wins the marathon?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A now-deceased friend of mine once did a quite large, lovely watercolor of me, recently sent by her surviving husband. I really like the picture but feel it's somewhat unseemly to display a portrait of myself in my own home. If I had a spouse or children, I could justify its presence by reasoning it's there for them to look at. Alas, no such luck.

Are there any rules or traditions about displaying likenesses of one's self? I'm thinking I might be able to rationalize that it's there to keep my dog company when I'm at work.

GENTLE READER: Not bad. Or you could explain that you value it as a reminder of your late friend.

But you do not actually need an explanation. You asked Miss Manners about displaying "likenesses," but the traditional rule made a finicky distinction between paintings, which can be displayed in the public rooms, and photographs, which belong in the private ones. Artistic photographers are welcome to object.

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