DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a service-industry company whose presence in my region of the country, while not a complete monopoly, is definitely the majority of the market. We have service failures on occasion, and when I'm out socially with friends, their experiences with these failures will come up as a part of conversation.

As a front-line employee, I empathize with their difficulties and try to get them pointed to the person in the department that may provide them with some recompense for their inconvenience.

My quandary is with one particular person in my social group. This is the spouse of a good friend, and he seems to take pleasure in basically complaining. He never seems interested in the solutions I try to provide or in lodging his complaint with the department responsible for handling service failures. I'm starting to dread times when I have to encounter him.

GENTLE READER: Do the people whom you do help, when out socially, reciprocate? Do they give you free legal or plumbing advice, or troubleshoot for you at their airlines, tax bureaus or wherever they are employed?

Even so, Miss Manners would not envy your social life. It must be tiresome to be forever on duty, which is why it is rude for those people to corner you in your off-hours.

She commends for your patience in not chucking the lot of them. As for the persistent complainer, it is time to say, "It's a long time now that you've been unhappy with our services and with my attempts to help you. We'll be sorry to lose you as a customer, but since we can't please you, you really ought to take your business elsewhere."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an ex-girlfriend whom I care about and with whom I make efforts to remain friends. Often, however, she finds fault with me or something I've done, and writes me hostile or challenging e-mails taking me to task about the issues. I have a challenging job and am also in school, and I can't afford to be distracted by and caught up in this kind of drama every few days.

Clearly, if this continues, we'll be friends in name only, and not in fact. But regardless, my question is how to respond to these messages. I've told her that I don't want to have these kinds of conversations in e-mail. She then responds in typical fashion.

Can I just not reply? Is there some short response I can give that's civil and wouldn't cause more agitation?

GENTLE READER: This may be news to you, but you do not have a friendship here. Admirable as it is to declare friendship as the sequel to a failed romance, there are bound to be emotional leftovers, and often they go bad.

To keep up cordial relations until the lady gets over her hostility, Miss Manners recommends ignoring the jabs. That does not necessarily mean ignoring the correspondence. You could throw in an offhand "Sorry you feel that way" while quickly moving on to cheerful topics.

Will she be annoyed? Yes, but she already is. Miss Manners is hoping that the lady will learn that complaining is not working.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an average 14-year-old girl who has a problem. My mom won't let me wear thong underwear, and it is the kind I want to wear. My friends make fun of me for not wearing that type. I was wondering if you could help me convince my mom and tell her it is all right to wear them.

GENTLE READER: Of all the advice columnists in the world, you chose Miss Manners as the most likely one to support the cause of thong underwear? And you wonder why your mother questions your judgment?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two important figures in my life have been absent from my very important events. The first being my wedding and the second being my baby shower.

These are lifelong friends of my mother, one of them my baptized godmother. When I married my husband, over a year ago, I moved about an hour away from my hometown due to his occupation as a police officer. Both of our families live an hour away in different cities. As a compromise, we had the ceremony and reception in our new city.

We thought some might be opposed to the drive, but to our great joy, almost everyone came to celebrate with us -- minus my godmother and other family friend. Their excuse was it was too far for us to expect them to drive, and they were going out to a pub that night.

Now I am pregnant, and we are having an open-house baby shower for women and men, again in our new city. Again, the pair has said they will not drive that far, and I have had "too many events going on to expect them to come to every little one."

I know I am hormonal, but I have cried over this many times. These women were strong figures in my life before I met my husband. My mother has battled lifelong illness, and her friends were often motherly figures to me when I needed them. My feelings have been sincerely hurt by their absence.

Should I just forget them and move on? Or should I confront it? I have considered writing letters to them, telling them how I feel, but have no idea how to even start.

GENTLE READER: The pub excuse was crude, and Miss Manners can understand why you are hurt. But she also has a glimmer of understanding about what is likely to be bothering them.

Having been strong mother figures to you, they may feel that your wish to trot them out only for special events is an empty formality. Before you were married, did you ask them, as treasured friends, to meet your husband-to-be? Do you keep in touch with them and show ongoing concern about their welfare?

If you want to maintain a relationship, you must treat them as more than part of the party crowd. Miss Manners suggests starting by personally announcing the birth of your baby with the plea that you want your family to know them. If they do not want to drive, promise that when you are able, you would like to bring your husband and child to pay calls on them -- in their city and, if necessary, in their pub.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have noticed that many bright, educated people use a knife only to cut their food and use their fingers to nudge food onto their fork. They do it during the entire meal, not only to finish the last morsel on their plate. Is that ever proper? I realize that there are more important things to be concerned about, but it has been a concern of mine for a while.

GENTLE READER: What has puzzled Miss Manners for a good while is why anyone is astonished when bright, educated people don't eat properly. Have you never been in a college dining hall?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the family in which I was raised (my grandparents were immigrants to the United States), we were taught that it is impolite to speak in a foreign language in the presence of nonspeakers who are unable to understand what you are saying.

In recent years, it has become commonplace for sales clerks, wait staff, bank tellers and other employees in service industries to converse in foreign languages in the presence of customers and other employees who do not understand what is being said. Similarly, one often hears customers speaking in foreign languages in front of sales clerks or other workers who are nonspeakers, as well as friends holding conversations with one another or family members in a foreign language in front of other nonspeakers.

Is my understanding of this rule of etiquette incorrect? Would you please be so kind as to suggest a polite response that one could make when bewildered by, and left out of, a conversation in a foreign language taking place in one's presence?

GENTLE READER: The etiquette in this situation should not be foreign to anyone. Pointedly excluding someone who belongs in the conversation has always been recognized as rude, and so has pointedly intruding into conversations in which one doesn't belong. These are more commonly known as snubbing and nosiness.

So Miss Manners agrees that relatives or friends should avoid speaking a foreign language in front of nonspeakers if they can, and if they cannot, they should at least apologize and get someone to translate what they are saying. The recourse for someone who is left out is to say pleasantly, "I'm sorry, I don't understand, and I would very much like to. Could someone help me, please?" (And if she is a new daughter-in-law, against whom this technique is not uncommon, she should take secret language lessons and suddenly shock them into worrying what they might have been saying that she had quietly understood.)

But you are lumping this sort of thing with nonsocial situations among people who seem to be minding their own business. What difference is it what language they are speaking when they are not addressing you?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When you receive an invitation to an adult birthday party, should you RSVP if you cannot attend?

GENTLE READER: Or leave the hosts wondering if you received the invitation, dismissed it as unworthy of attention, or plan to drop by with six of your own friends?

"Rsvp" is a French abbreviation for "Respond, please." And never mind that the French always say "if you please" -- Miss Manners assures you that the "if" does not make it optional.

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