DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an ongoing debate with my hubby over how to eat popcorn. Although I know this could be considered a subject of little importance and there might not be anything official to say about this, it has become a small "bone of contention" in our family. Perhaps you would be able to shed a little light.

Is it acceptable to reach into the bowl of popcorn using one hand to acquire several pieces (five or six), which are then eaten, one by one, with the other hand? The reasoning given for this method is to keep the hand used for eating the popcorn out of the bowl.

Could this manner of acquiring the popcorn be considered to be something similar to hoarding? Your opinion could possibly end a dispute of about 14 years.

GENTLE READER: Then what are you going to talk about? Fourteen years is a long time to invest in this interesting question, and Miss Manners hopes that you have a substitute topic ready.

One of you has been reading too many package labels, where the number of calories is kept small by keeping down the definition of a portion. Such as on the carton of double chocolate fudge ice cream, where it says "Calories per serving, 20. Serving size, 1/4 teaspoon."

One kernel does not constitute a legitimate helping of popcorn. It is properly taken by the (repeated) handful. The sanitary argument is irrelevant. If one of you believes that the other is spreading disease in the popcorn bowl, the solution is to say, "Honey, please go wash your hands."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On the way to my wife's 30th class reunion, she requested that when I am introduced to someone and asked if I remember meeting them, she wanted me to answer yes regardless if I remembered them or not.

It is my belief that when being reintroduced to someone I may have met only once five to 10 years ago, if I don't remember them, I should politely tell them no. My wife thinks it's rude. I believe in telling the truth. What is the right thing to do?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps schooling accustomed you and your wife to true-false tests, but fortunately, real life offers more choices. You could have smiled broadly and said nothing. You could have peered at the nametag and said, "Let me see if I'm right." You could have said, "How could anyone forget you?"

By the way, "Do you remember me?" is a rude and self-defeating question. Miss Manners has a more pointed question, one that you should have asked your wife:

"They're your classmates -- aren't you going to jump in and help me out? Or are you just going to stand there, leaving me looking foolish?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My senior prom is this weekend, and I need some help. My tuxedo will have a cummerbund, but I am not sure how it should be worn (i.e. whether the pleats should face up or down). I have heard several opinions on this, but nobody seems to agree. Which way is correct?

GENTLE READER: The cummerbund pleats should open at the top, and Miss Manners hopes that the traditional explanation will not put you off: Gentlemen desperate for ashtrays would use them to conceal their cigarette refuse. How they avoided setting themselves on fire, she cannot tell you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am just entering the dating world after the end of a 25-year marriage. With careful consideration, I find that Internet dating sites are a viable way to meet potential suitors.

It seems that the standard practice is to exchange e-mails at first, followed by telephone conversations, and it may progress to a daytime meeting, perhaps at a coffeehouse. Presumably this is so that if the first meeting has you realizing you have made a mistake, it will not drag on for hours.

The other reason is that you can still remain somewhat anonymous and be in public for the sake of security. I really do not see anything wrong with the arrangement, since I do not see myself meeting strangers at bars, and that waiting for my married friends to introduce me to someone has not been successful.

However, sometimes I find myself at the public meeting place knowing that (a) the person has misrepresented himself in some way, usually by using a photo of a more fit and youthful time in his life; (b) I have failed to find out some information about this person before the meeting that is obviously a "deal breaker" in my quest for the right person; or (c) I do not feel any chemistry between us; perhaps the conversation is awkward and a chore to find pleasant things to talk about.

Several times in one of these instances, the gentleman has shown an interest in going out on a real date. They have all been very nice men, but just not someone that I want to spend any more time with. What is a nice way to tell them that I just don't see any point in going out again?

GENTLE READER: "Nice" is not usually the method of choice in such cases. When Miss Manners advocates anything remotely gentle, she is taken to task by the Blunt and Brutal school, who argue that nice is too subtle to be effective, that it prolongs the pain or that it is too good for people who have wasted one's time. And who, she suspects, feel emboldened by the fact that these are strangers.

None of this convinces Miss Manners that it is decent to tell another human being, "I could never have the remotest interest in you, so just go away."

She still prefers something vague and face-saving, such as "I find I have a lot of obligations right now, which I hadn't fully realized when we got in touch. But it was very nice meeting you."

If this results in an unwanted invitation, it may have to be repeated. But it is still preferable to slash-and-run.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a proper color choice for thank-you notes? I am ordering for my son's high school graduation, and the choices are wt/silver, wt/gold, or ivory/gold. Also, I heard one time a thank you note should not have 'Thank You' printed on it. Is this true?

GENTLE READER: Black or blue-black. That is to say that it is the ink your son uses that matters. As you have heard, the words "thank you," should never be printed, but must be written by hand, along with some elaboration. If the choice you have been offered does the job for him, Miss Manners urges you to reject it, despite the fetching colors.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A neighbor and I do not share the same political beliefs. I try to be respectful of his political leanings. He, however, has been bombarding me with e-mails that include attachments that smear the candidates of my choice. Most are not backed by sound research, but he believes they are based on fact. The e-mails are accompanied by such statements as "Lord help us if this *&!*#$% is elected president, lol!"

I try to answer in a nonconfrontational and civilized manner but have lately taken to either deleting the comments without responding or simply writing "thank you."

This same neighbor has never, and probably will never, express these views in person. E-mail seems to give him permission to be as insulting and disrespectful as he wishes.

Does our right to free speech give us the right to be rude? Any ideas on how this situation should be handled? I'm all for free speech, but I have my limits!

GENTLE READER: Actually, free speech does confer the right to be rude. As well it should, Miss Manners believes.

Wait -- she has not lost her mind and started defending rudeness. Nor, for that matter, your tiresome neighbor.

The problem is that although you and your neighbor hold opposite (and commonly held) opinions on the regulation of behavior, both are dangerous. You hint at limiting free speech, while he acts on the notion that there should be no limits on doing what one has the legal right to do.

What about respect for the opinions of others? What about tasteful language?

In other words, what about -- etiquette? That is the essential, voluntary, but highly necessary system that is supposed to prevent people from exercising rights in such a way as to be needlessly offensive to others. It does not even seem to have occurred to your neighbor that offensive behavior is an ineffective way to make one's own case.

This is not someone with whom you should attempt to argue. Be grateful for the Delete button.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have four sons, and when they give me a gift for birthday or Mother's Day etc., and if it's not in the presence of the others, I don't know if I should tell the others about the gift. I fear that they will feel bad if the gift is a lot more expensive than what they gave me.

I don't usually mention that they gave me a gift. But, yet, I don't want the giver of a gift to me to think I am not proud or grateful. Maybe they would want me to tell the others. I just don't know what to do.

GENTLE READER: You would get the same (bad) effect by saying, "Look at the car your brother gave me" as by saying, "That car? Oh, I don't know, I just found it in the driveway" -- before adding, of course, "Thank you for the handkerchief."

Presumably, these are grown-up sons, and it is not up to you to spread or to conceal what they do. Your job is to keep your own focus away from the expense, and to greet their presents with equal graciousness.

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