DEAR MISS MANNERS: A neighbor and I do not share the same political beliefs. I try to be respectful of his political leanings. He, however, has been bombarding me with e-mails that include attachments that smear the candidates of my choice. Most are not backed by sound research, but he believes they are based on fact. The e-mails are accompanied by such statements as "Lord help us if this *&!*#$% is elected president, lol!"

I try to answer in a nonconfrontational and civilized manner but have lately taken to either deleting the comments without responding or simply writing "thank you."

This same neighbor has never, and probably will never, express these views in person. E-mail seems to give him permission to be as insulting and disrespectful as he wishes.

Does our right to free speech give us the right to be rude? Any ideas on how this situation should be handled? I'm all for free speech, but I have my limits!

GENTLE READER: Actually, free speech does confer the right to be rude. As well it should, Miss Manners believes.

Wait -- she has not lost her mind and started defending rudeness. Nor, for that matter, your tiresome neighbor.

The problem is that although you and your neighbor hold opposite (and commonly held) opinions on the regulation of behavior, both are dangerous. You hint at limiting free speech, while he acts on the notion that there should be no limits on doing what one has the legal right to do.

What about respect for the opinions of others? What about tasteful language?

In other words, what about -- etiquette? That is the essential, voluntary, but highly necessary system that is supposed to prevent people from exercising rights in such a way as to be needlessly offensive to others. It does not even seem to have occurred to your neighbor that offensive behavior is an ineffective way to make one's own case.

This is not someone with whom you should attempt to argue. Be grateful for the Delete button.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have four sons, and when they give me a gift for birthday or Mother's Day etc., and if it's not in the presence of the others, I don't know if I should tell the others about the gift. I fear that they will feel bad if the gift is a lot more expensive than what they gave me.

I don't usually mention that they gave me a gift. But, yet, I don't want the giver of a gift to me to think I am not proud or grateful. Maybe they would want me to tell the others. I just don't know what to do.

GENTLE READER: You would get the same (bad) effect by saying, "Look at the car your brother gave me" as by saying, "That car? Oh, I don't know, I just found it in the driveway" -- before adding, of course, "Thank you for the handkerchief."

Presumably, these are grown-up sons, and it is not up to you to spread or to conceal what they do. Your job is to keep your own focus away from the expense, and to greet their presents with equal graciousness.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I believe I have made an invitation mishap. My family and I just moved into a new house over the weekend, and some of our friends came to help in one way or another. My husband is in the Air Force, and one of the men and one of the women he works with came to help.

Here is where the situation gets sticky. The man who helped is married, and his wife watched my daughters that day; however, he is currently having an affair with the other Air Force woman, who also helped. Everything is already out in the open, and the couple is in the process of divorcing, but still living in the same house, just separated.

My problem is that I have invited everyone who helped us over the weekend to dinner this coming Saturday, including the couple and the single AF woman, among a few other people. I honestly did not think about the situation between the others before making my invites. I only wanted to show my appreciation for all of their help.

What should I do? Do I retract my invitation from either the husband, the wife or the mistress? Or, do I simply hope they can all behave as adults and forgive me for putting them in such an awkward situation?

GENTLE READER: Let's not get overexcited about the drama you feel you have staged. They created this situation, not you. And since they are conducting their shifting arrangements in public, living in the same house and yet -- at least so far -- not killing one another, you are unlikely to find blood on your sofa.

Miss Manners would understand your alarm better if it had to do with the awkward situation in which these people put you, as apparently approving of the behavior of the new couple. However, it is too late to put a social ban on them now that you have accepted their help. The best you can do is to seem innocent of their private lives, and merely welcome them as your friends and their own, ah, roommates.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hope you can settle a dispute between me and my roommate. For our upcoming graduation, our school has distributed six tickets to each student, as there is limited room for the ceremony. I have spare tickets and while I am giving two to my friend, I am contemplating selling the others. My roommate says that I am wrong in making the ability for others' loved ones to attend contingent on their ability to pay me, especially because I am not using them. I say that if some people want to bring more than their allotted six and are willing to pay, I am still in the right in selling my tickets.

GENTLE READER: Your roommate sounds sweet. Perhaps he opposes the marketing of food on the grounds that people have to eat whether or not they can afford it.

Miss Manners takes a more worldly view: that it would be mean to charge friends for a favor that costs you nothing, but not so to put a commodity you happen to have on a wider market.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a middle-aged man dating a middle-aged woman. She is a mother of three and is under the impression that I should buy her a gift on Mother's Day.

I don't want to sound cheap, but aren't gifts only for your actual mother (whom I always buy gifts for)? Is there precedent for my significant other's feelings, or do you think she just really likes unwrapping things?

GENTLE READER: If she is still pouting that the Easter Bunny didn't come across and throwing around reminders about Memorial Day, yes.

Yes, anyway, come to think of it. People who feel obliged to spread the idea that they deserve more presents than would be spontaneously offered are not doing so out of a disinterested devotion to propriety.

The idea behind the 19th-century invention of Mother's Day was for children to honor their mothers. By extension, this has moved some to honor others who have acted toward them in a motherly capacity. In addition, fathers sometimes use it to show their gratitude that they did not actually have to bear the children -- and besides, they have to take the children shopping, anyway.

That you should be moved to celebrate the fact that someone you are dating had children by someone else before you met strikes Miss Manners as somewhat far-fetched.

But perhaps she is being uncharitable. Perhaps the lady is saying that rather than dating you, what she really wants is to adopt you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have never used my cherished pool of close friends or family (or for that matter even acquaintances) for purposes of school fundraising, my own charitable interests, or the dreaded home party opportunity. I am aware that these options present seemingly no dilemma to a significant portion of today's gentle society.

As my child now approaches the age of graduation celebration, I am becoming increasingly perplexed regarding the issue of graduation announcement. I have always been gracious (generous) in my response to parental joy of close friends and family, but would rather announce my own child's accomplishment with all the joy and none of the material expectation.

If you might suggest a delicate way of accomplishing this desire, it will be appreciated and so tendered. If not, I am sure my dear husband and child will only expect further displays of obstinacy (if not superiority, eeh gad!) on my part, which has never been my intention. Thoughts?

GENTLE READER: A formal announcement is not a bill, Miss Manners keeps trying to point out. All that polite recipients have to offer in response are congratulations.

But when announcements are sent around indiscriminately, it is easy to see why some of the recipients cynically ask themselves why they are being informed of something in which they have minimal interest.

This is not the effect you want to achieve. The chief way to guard against it is to confine your list to people who have demonstrated an interest in your child. Another is not to feel that the availability of formal announcements requires you to use them. Acquaintances who may be suspicious of receiving these may react more warmly if you merely slip your son's achievement into your conversation.

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