DEAR MISS MANNERS: I understand that a registry should only be taken as a suggestion and that anyone who chooses to give a gift is under no obligation to purchase from a set list. I often use registries when I am stuck for ideas or don't feel I have a good grasp on what the person or couple in question would like.

However, I have a friend I have known for years who, upon discovering she was pregnant with her first child, a girl, I knew I wanted to give her baby clothes. I chose everyday cotton outfits that were for babies, but not newborns so that they'd not be too small, in a pattern and style I felt my friend would find pleasing that would reflect the season her baby would be old/big enough to fit into said outfits. It was a true joy to buy these things and I felt very satisfied with the selections.

In the past, she has returned many gifts that were not on her wedding registry and then purchased things on the registry with the money or credit.

I wanted her to have something from me personally. I did not send a gift receipt. I chose a store that had an exchange policy, hence she could choose a larger size if she wanted, but not use my gift to buy something she preselected. I'm not trying to thumb my nose at her wishes so much as I am trying to make sure the gift remains a gift, whether she uses it or not, and not a revenue generator for her wish list.

I have been told I am being selfish and unkind and ignoring what gift-giving is about. I'm told I'm making the present about me instead of about her. I'm told I'm trying to make her angry. I've been told that not to buy off a registry on purpose is the same as implying I don't care what my friend wants. (These critiques are not coming from my friend, who as of yet has not received the gift.)

I do want her to be happy, I just hate feeling like a personal shopper. I'm not going to keep tabs on if she uses my present. I just don't like feeling obligated in these ways, or used. I'm now feeling conflicted.

GENTLE READER: Well, what is gift giving about? Good question.

According to the system of your friend (and countless other people nowadays, of whom you seem to know more than your share), it is a purely practical method of coercing other people into buying her what she wants.

But is it so practical? Doesn't that mean that you can, in turn, order her to buy you things that you want? The only way to come out ahead would be to outdo all one's donors in producing babies or weddings, but doing so would entail other financial burdens.

And here you want to inject thoughtfulness and sentiment into this system. This makes you a throwback to when the system of exchanging presents did have a point: symbolically expressing thoughtfulness and sentiment.

Miss Manners congratulates you. If enough people refused to be bilked by gimme lists, perhaps the meaning of the custom will return to justify it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've found text messaging and e-mail are convenient, but problematic for a variety of reasons that never existed when we relied on "snail" mail, phone calls and face-to-face meetings.

My roommate accidentally sent a text message about me to me. I've done this myself, both through e-mails and text messaging, though not for gossip-related communication. It's an easy mistake to make -- you've got someone specific on your mind and you accidentally choose them from your list of contacts.

But what is the polite way to respond to her text message? My instincts are to ignore it and pretend that I never received it to save her embarrassment, but I don't want to discount the fact that she actually meant to "talk" about me behind my back in a negative manner without first approaching me.

GENTLE READER: You would spare your roommate embarrassment, Miss Manners agrees, if you ignored the text message. It is easy to imagine that if it did not reach its proper recipient, something technical went wrong, and it was safely lost.

But is that really what you want to do? Are you going to end up embarrassing yourself later by blurting out that you know what she said? Only to have her reply, "You weren't supposed to read that" as if you had snooped?

That would be a mistake in any case. If you want to deal with the content, the effective way to do so is to send her back the message now, commenting only, "I suppose you did not intend this for me."

Nothing more. Just let it hang there so she can think about it. Trust Miss Manners, that will rattle her more than if you upbraided her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to bring a girlfriend to a funeral? My friend and I recently attended a memorial service for a mutual friend's father. My friend brought his girlfriend, whom he had been dating for about 18 months. She did not know the deceased, nor had she even met our mutual friend (the son of the deceased) prior to the service.

I have always been under the impression that only spouses (or fiancees) should accompany someone to a funeral. A girlfriend who was personally connected to the deceased would be, in effect, another mourner and therefore an exception.

My friend's girlfriend fit none of these categories, and I found it a little inconsiderate that he brought her to an already-crowded service. (The man was young and had many surviving friends, colleagues and family.) Please lend us your guidance.

GENTLE READER: You make it sound like a date. Were they whispering and holding hands? Asking where the bar was?

As far as Miss Manners knows, the only taste ban on attending funerals is lovers or enemies of the deceased whose presence would upset the family. The lady's being interested in someone who interested her beau, or wanting to be with him at an emotional time, is a legitimate reason for attending.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems like when an employer asks a question, it expects an honest answer.

Here's the thing. After several years with an organization I didn't care for, I got an offer for a new job -- at higher pay and with responsibilities that seem more in line with my skills. I have given several weeks of notice. This employer has a practice -- one of many busy-work functions designed by its human resources department to justify its own existence -- of asking departing staff to complete an exit interview that will ask about the reasons we are leaving.

I harbor no ill will toward any specific individuals. In fact, I have a decent relationship with my boss. But I can't help but savor the opportunity to give a truthful assessment of why I was anxious to leave: I found the organization's culture self-congratulatory, bloated, inflexible and unappreciative.

In my heart, I know that living well is the best revenge. But if they go through the trouble of asking why I'm leaving, am I at liberty to give an honest assessment? Or should I consider this letter to you my chance to vent?

Alternatively, do I simply hand back a blank survey? That also seems rude. But I really don't feel like investing the time to go into detail describing my notion of the problems. If they ever seemed to care, I might not have been so anxious to leave.

GENTLE READER: Come, now. Over those years, your employer asked you lots of honest questions: "Are you going to have this in by Thursday?" "Do you agree with my idea?" "Do you mind staying late?" and so on.

You did not give dishonest answers, Miss Manners trusts. But you phrased things in such a way as to avoid antagonizing management: "I'll try my best, but it's more complicated than we had thought." "It's a great idea, but I have a couple of suggestions." "Of course not, but unfortunately, tonight..."

But now that you are leaving, you want to give it to them straight. Don't. These people are in your past and in your field. You are only too likely to encounter them again.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My professional contact information is easily findable online, and recently, a former schoolmate looked me up and sent me a short, chatty e-mail. We did not get along well when we were younger, and I have almost no fond memories of her. I have no plans to e-mail her back.

Is this wrong of me? It feels a little bit rude, but I really have no wish to become reacquainted with her.

GENTLE READER: Among the blessings that e-mail brings us are indiscriminate spam filters, inexplicable systems failures and overcrowded in-boxes. Thus your would-be correspondent is more likely than in slower days to believe that her letter went astray, and thus not to realize that you snubbed her.

Miss Manners suggests you remember this convenience when you feel yourself exploding because vital e-mail is not getting through.

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