DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've found text messaging and e-mail are convenient, but problematic for a variety of reasons that never existed when we relied on "snail" mail, phone calls and face-to-face meetings.

My roommate accidentally sent a text message about me to me. I've done this myself, both through e-mails and text messaging, though not for gossip-related communication. It's an easy mistake to make -- you've got someone specific on your mind and you accidentally choose them from your list of contacts.

But what is the polite way to respond to her text message? My instincts are to ignore it and pretend that I never received it to save her embarrassment, but I don't want to discount the fact that she actually meant to "talk" about me behind my back in a negative manner without first approaching me.

GENTLE READER: You would spare your roommate embarrassment, Miss Manners agrees, if you ignored the text message. It is easy to imagine that if it did not reach its proper recipient, something technical went wrong, and it was safely lost.

But is that really what you want to do? Are you going to end up embarrassing yourself later by blurting out that you know what she said? Only to have her reply, "You weren't supposed to read that" as if you had snooped?

That would be a mistake in any case. If you want to deal with the content, the effective way to do so is to send her back the message now, commenting only, "I suppose you did not intend this for me."

Nothing more. Just let it hang there so she can think about it. Trust Miss Manners, that will rattle her more than if you upbraided her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to bring a girlfriend to a funeral? My friend and I recently attended a memorial service for a mutual friend's father. My friend brought his girlfriend, whom he had been dating for about 18 months. She did not know the deceased, nor had she even met our mutual friend (the son of the deceased) prior to the service.

I have always been under the impression that only spouses (or fiancees) should accompany someone to a funeral. A girlfriend who was personally connected to the deceased would be, in effect, another mourner and therefore an exception.

My friend's girlfriend fit none of these categories, and I found it a little inconsiderate that he brought her to an already-crowded service. (The man was young and had many surviving friends, colleagues and family.) Please lend us your guidance.

GENTLE READER: You make it sound like a date. Were they whispering and holding hands? Asking where the bar was?

As far as Miss Manners knows, the only taste ban on attending funerals is lovers or enemies of the deceased whose presence would upset the family. The lady's being interested in someone who interested her beau, or wanting to be with him at an emotional time, is a legitimate reason for attending.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems like when an employer asks a question, it expects an honest answer.

Here's the thing. After several years with an organization I didn't care for, I got an offer for a new job -- at higher pay and with responsibilities that seem more in line with my skills. I have given several weeks of notice. This employer has a practice -- one of many busy-work functions designed by its human resources department to justify its own existence -- of asking departing staff to complete an exit interview that will ask about the reasons we are leaving.

I harbor no ill will toward any specific individuals. In fact, I have a decent relationship with my boss. But I can't help but savor the opportunity to give a truthful assessment of why I was anxious to leave: I found the organization's culture self-congratulatory, bloated, inflexible and unappreciative.

In my heart, I know that living well is the best revenge. But if they go through the trouble of asking why I'm leaving, am I at liberty to give an honest assessment? Or should I consider this letter to you my chance to vent?

Alternatively, do I simply hand back a blank survey? That also seems rude. But I really don't feel like investing the time to go into detail describing my notion of the problems. If they ever seemed to care, I might not have been so anxious to leave.

GENTLE READER: Come, now. Over those years, your employer asked you lots of honest questions: "Are you going to have this in by Thursday?" "Do you agree with my idea?" "Do you mind staying late?" and so on.

You did not give dishonest answers, Miss Manners trusts. But you phrased things in such a way as to avoid antagonizing management: "I'll try my best, but it's more complicated than we had thought." "It's a great idea, but I have a couple of suggestions." "Of course not, but unfortunately, tonight..."

But now that you are leaving, you want to give it to them straight. Don't. These people are in your past and in your field. You are only too likely to encounter them again.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My professional contact information is easily findable online, and recently, a former schoolmate looked me up and sent me a short, chatty e-mail. We did not get along well when we were younger, and I have almost no fond memories of her. I have no plans to e-mail her back.

Is this wrong of me? It feels a little bit rude, but I really have no wish to become reacquainted with her.

GENTLE READER: Among the blessings that e-mail brings us are indiscriminate spam filters, inexplicable systems failures and overcrowded in-boxes. Thus your would-be correspondent is more likely than in slower days to believe that her letter went astray, and thus not to realize that you snubbed her.

Miss Manners suggests you remember this convenience when you feel yourself exploding because vital e-mail is not getting through.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and I wanted to have a nice dinner at a local restaurant to celebrate our mother's 60th birthday with family and a few friends from our mother's place of business.

When we contacted a friend at said business about the possibility of conducting such a gathering, the question of who will pay came up. My sister and I are both gainfully employed professionals in our 30s with families of our own and have no issues with paying for our mother's meal. However, we were informed that if my mother's co-workers would be expected to pay for their own meals, some may not come at all or would leave early and not pay.

These are all corporate professionals who presumably are our mother's friends as well as co-workers and are more than capable of paying for their own meals. They may be used to the company president picking up a $3,000 food-and-drink bill at a restaurant, but neither my sister nor myself are interested in paying for the meals or excess liquor sure to be consumed at this dinner. Were we out of line to ask that those invited pay for their own meals?

GENTLE READER: You are certainly mistaken in thinking that you and your sister are giving a dinner in honor of your mother. People for whom you are "not interested" in providing refreshments are in no way your guests. They are merely people who have been offered the opportunity to treat themselves to a meal in your company. Having put it on a commercial basis, you cannot expect to be treated as hosts.

Miss Manners considers it particularly unbecoming for you to point out that these people make good money. So, apparently, do you and your sister. Just as you choose not to spend it on them, you must allow them the same choice of not spending it on your family.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the matron of honor in my best friend's upcoming wedding. I imagine I will give a toast during the reception and wondered if it would be appropriate to mention my friend's sister, who passed away three years ago.

They were very close, and my thinking is, by mentioning the sister, it would be a gesture that she is gone but not forgotten and is very missed at such an occasion. Also, the groom lost his mother not too long ago, and, at the risk of turning a wedding into a wake, I think a little remembrance of her as well would be nice. Am I totally off the mark here?

GENTLE READER: No, indeed. The absence of deceased relatives is very much felt on such an occasion, and your mentioning them gently in your toast is a good way to include them.

But Miss Manners asks you to bear in mind that this is a happy occasion, and you must be careful not to provoke tears or, for that matter, curiosity. So no eulogies, but also not such a cryptic reference ("We wish they could be here") that some might be left with the impression that they just missed their flights. Just mentioning their names, prefaced by "the late" and saying how happy they would have been should be enough.

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