DEAR MISS MANNERS: What would be a proper remark to a 30-something-year-old, well-dressed female, who was driving a very expensive new car and had just parked a grocery shopping cart about 5 inches from my new very expensive car? I pointed out the fact to her that she could have walked 10 steps and got the cart completely off the parking lot. She did not like my remark to her.

GENTLE READER: Really? She didn't care for it when you said, "Hey, lady, that's a brand new, expensive car I have there. Would it kill you to walk 10 more steps? How would you like it if I let my cart slide over into your shiny new overpriced heap?"

Yes, yes, Miss Manners knows that is not exactly what you said. But what you reported to her conveyed the same tone. Little wonder the lady did not like it.

A proper remark would have been -- "Excuse me, but would you mind moving that cart a little farther? We wouldn't want it to nick either one of our nice new cars."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a young woman married to a wonderful, compassionate young man who has decided to devote his considerable talents to the practice of law. He will be starting school in the fall, with the intent of serving poor and otherwise underrepresented citizens. We both know that we will never be rich, and we don't care.

The thing is, friends, co-workers and family members are always telling me, "Oh, soon you'll be an attorney's wife, you lucky duck!" or, even worse, "Well, won't you two be raking it in!"

They seem to be under the misunderstanding that all attorneys are wealthy, and that the spouses of attorneys sit around eating Bon-Bons. Deep down, I know that most, if not all, of these people are only teasing and do not mean any harm, but at the same time, I do not appreciate the assumptions they seem to be making. I am an intelligent, educated lady with aspirations of my own, and, on top of that, my husband is only entering the field of law to be of service to the poor.

I generally shrug off these comments, but it feels awkward. I'm not looking for a "comeback," as I don't believe any of these statements are intended to be malicious. However, I feel that simply shrugging or smiling implies that I agree with the speaker. I don't want to sound defensive or self-righteous. How should I respond?

GENTLE READER: Silly, top-of-the-head comments about people's professions need not be answered sensibly, Miss Manners agrees. But she understands that the 78th time you hear the same remark, you become desperate to put a stop to it. And the implication of going into a field simply for the money is particularly galling. No doubt these people also expect to be paid for their work, but would be insulted if told that that was their only motivation.

As long as you say it pleasantly, Miss Manners gives you leave to reply, "Well, not in the kind of law he has chosen. He is in it to help the poor, and they don't exactly pay well. But as you can imagine, I'm extremely proud of him."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you do when your only daughter has her mother (a redneck) escort her down the aisle instead of her living father? The mother is the force behind this.

As a young couple, the two divorced early. My brother went his way and she did also. Over the years, he supported the child monetarily and not as much physically.

Her mother's side is more controlling. As aunt and uncles, we all sent gifts, but all went unrecognized. We have excused this with lack of manners from parents.

Should we lower ourselves as rednecks and take care of them in a restroom? Or pretend their actions are a slap in the face to our family, especially my brother, who did the best that he could as a young dad and adult? It leaves me to believe that they are vindictive and money grubbers.

Please help me understand their ignorance. Your comments and suggestions are important and much needed.

GENTLE READER: It strikes Miss Manners that what is needed is a security guard in the restrooms.

Her suggestion is that you all calm down and not hurl charges of ignorance (along with other insults) that could better be used against you.

Galling as you will find this, having the parent who actually reared the daughter give her away at her wedding is traditionally correct. With two parents in the house, it was the father, but the underlying idea was that the bride had been living under his protection, and he was about to transfer custody to the bridegroom.

Now we all know that today's bride does not care to consider herself in need of either such protection. But if she likes the anachronistic custom, she need not scurry to find a male to do it. In the absence of a custodial father, the mother is not an improper choice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work primarily with teenagers, a vocation whose rewards are vast, and I had the privilege of speaking on behalf of one of my teens at a ceremony. During his response, he presented me with a gift.

While I believe he was sincere in the giving, I suspect his parents, particularly his mother, who is both thorough and gracious, had a hand in the decision to present the gift and in its choice.

I have written a thank-you note to the young man, since he presented the gift; however, I wonder, because I see his parents' hands in this, if I should write them a note as well. I do not want to undermine his role in this by assuming the gift was not from him.

GENTLE READER: Then don't send home a note indicating that you knew he could not have thought of doing this on his own. It would not only belittle the son, but would indicate that the childrearing has not been entirely successful if the young gentleman cannot bring off such a gesture convincingly.

Miss Manners never discourages people from writing kind letters. But this one should congratulate the parents only on the manners of their son.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was wondering if you wouldn't mind reminding your readers that a sample is a sample -- a small part of anything or one of a number.

I work at an upscale gourmet market, where we will offer samples of new or different products to taste, and I have witnessed many people gorging themselves on samples. More often than not, people make a meal off of samples!

As a business, it cuts into the profit. I don't want to be rude, and cannot simply tell them that they need just to take one, and, if they like it, BUY the product! If we have to sample something, we gladly do it because it allows people to try something before the purchase. So please take one, and then move on!

GENTLE READER: You are asking Miss Manners to risk her life -- stepping between a freebie and people who are armed with metal shopping carts.

So while she is happy to comply with your request from a safe distance, her voice may be lost in the sound of carts crashing against your station. She is afraid that you will then have to remind them.

The gentle way to do this is to greet repeaters by asking them how they liked the product. Since they pretty much have to say yes, tell them how glad you are and then hand them the item packaged for sale.

You will have fewer people who simply grab if your store refrains from setting out samples as if it were a buffet table for guests. To retain control, while still seeming gracious, you should keep the supply out of reach, while saying "May I offer you a sample?" and proffering a tiny tray with just one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a good reply for someone who is inviting you to join their multilevel marketing company? I have no interest in such things; I find them abhorrent in every way.

I received an invitation to a "friendly get-together" to "receive information" about this person's MLM company of choice. My children and her child had a couple of playdates together, and our husbands are friends, but I have only been with her a couple times, and I have not heard from her in months. I have little interest in pursuing a friendship with her and since this "invitation," none whatsoever!

I am deeply offended by this invitation; however, I only e-mailed her back with the reply, "I will be otherwise engaged that day." I thought you would have a much more fitting answer.

GENTLE READER: What is wrong with "Thank you, but I'm not interested"? It is the obvious choice, but Miss Manners can't tell whether you believe it is not polite enough or not insulting enough.

The reply you did use was polite but did not do the job of discouraging that lady from trying another time, which Miss Manners gathers would send you over the brink. She congratulates you for refraining from sending a rude reply.

That you have a lack of interest in pursuing a social relationship with someone who is after you for business is understandable. But this proposition is not a social invitation, for which you have to pretend regret when you decline. Treat it as you would any business offer, by stating your lack of interest.

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