DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a very health-conscious person. When I was a child, I was obese and picked on by my peers. But with hard work and determination, I have lost a lot of weight. The problem is, my family and friends, many of whom are overweight, don't pay attention to their health.

When we go to social gatherings, I eat light foods and order diet sodas right in front of them. I always feel this cold mist of jealousy around me. Is this good manners? Or should I just indulge myself with them for that night?

GENTLE READER: "Cold mist of jealousy" is such a gripping term that Miss Manners is sorry to have to admit that she doesn't know what you are talking about.

If others are jealous of your having diet sodas, why don't they order their own diet sodas? But if you suppose that they are jealous of your figure, do you propose gaining back your lost weight to mollify them?

If so, please do not blame etiquette. If, indeed, others are unaccountably interested in what you eat when they have the pleasant alternative of loading up their own plates, it is they who are rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find it interesting that you think 'please' is mandatory. If my 6-year-old daughter says, "May I please have some more water" in a rude, or otherwise unpleasant, tone, the fact that she included "please" doesn't help, yet if she says "May I have some more water" pleasantly, I'm perfectly happy to pour some for her.

GENTLE READER: "Please" is mandatory and a civil tone is mandatory. What Miss Manners finds interesting is that you think you are entitled to only one or the other.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 47 years old. Four months ago, my wife died suddenly and unexpectedly. We had a very good marriage.

Is there an accepted protocol regarding a widower (or widow) wearing a wedding ring? I am sure most people will advise me to do whatever I feel happy or most comfortable doing. I appreciate that sentiment, but please advise me at to the proper etiquette in this situation.

Is there a certain "grieving period" in which it is expected that the surviving spouse wear a wedding band, etc.?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette has no strict rule about this. It should be a personal choice, and Miss Manners wishes she could tell you that no one else will have anything to say about it. But, of course, she knows they will.

They -- Miss Manners assumes you can guess what demographic she means -- will take it as a sign that you are ready to entertain the idea of finding another wife.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: It recently occurred to me that two habits I have might be uncouth. You seem like the best person to ask.

I do not dry my hair by artificial means. It looks best if I allow it to air dry. Consequently, if I wash it in the morning, I often leave the house with damp hair.

Is this a bad habit? Recently, I heard someone in passing disparage someone else for leaving the house with wet hair. (She and I did not know each other, so I know she wasn't talking about me.)

Also, I usually dry the insides of my ears with cotton tips in the morning, but sometimes they are still damp when I leave the house. If they are damp, they get cold. What is the best way to dry the insides of my ears when I'm in my car on my way to work?

As I type this, I realize fingers are probably not the couth option, but that's what I've been using.

GENTLE READER: Yes, we all use our fingers to type. But what, pray tell, are you using to steer your car? And are you telling Miss Manners that you are plastered with wet hair and feel the cold only in your already swabbed ears?

Come now. Hair that appears wet, whether from washing, swimming or spraying, is not an etiquette crime. Trifling with Miss Manners' good nature may be.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the polite way of addressing an orchestra conductor in an e-mail or letter?

GENTLE READER: Maestro (or Maestra). They love it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During the course of a dinner party which I hosted for two long-term, close (too long? too close?) friends, I was stunned when their conversation took a turn toward some of my flaws, which, evidently, were more bothersome to them than I was aware.

In turn, I was labeled as controlling, indecisive, tough, and, my personal favorite, "spoiled."

Given that I had just spent the day and a good part of the week planning and preparing an evening especially for these two friends and their husbands, I was stunned and more than a little hurt.

However, following your advice -- and my mother's -- I resisted the urge to reciprocate in kind. While I thought my mother had prepared me quite well in both language and etiquette, I imagine such a scenario was not within her post-Victorian repertoire! Your advice as to what a proper response should have been or, God forbid, should be if such an event occurs in future?

GENTLE READER: It is true that you cannot challenge anyone to a duel while that person is a guest in your house. Nevertheless, you were roundly insulted, despite your attackers' believing that they were only being honest and it was for your own good.

A good hostess would try to accommodate her guests. Miss Manners recommends standing up and saying, "You are very good to accept my hospitality, considering what you think of me. But I wouldn't dream of imposing on you any longer."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend who is a most genteel man revealed that in a frustrated moment, after being in an hour-long loop of voice recognition commands for -- I use this term advisedly -- "customer service" of a major airline, he shouted the most vulgar expression in the English language into the telephone.

To his surprise, he was immediately connected with a supervisor who solved his problem instantly.

Last week, after a bout with a telephone answering service that did not recognize the words "help," "operator," "live body" and the like, I too looked around to be sure my children were out of hearing and shouted "f---" into the telephone.

To my shock, this phrase worked with my health insurer. I later brought this up with my husband, who turned red and shame-facedly admitted that he, too, had used this method to get through to a different airline.

I feel the practice of American corporations programming the phrase "f--- you" into their lexicon of recognized words, and the fact that this brings the fastest results, is truly demeaning to our culture. Would you please use your bully pulpit to request a universal, clean phrase to replace the current magic words?

GENTLE READER: How about "Customer service, please"? No doubt this is programmed to produce a recorded laugh.

Miss Manners is not so naive as to expect the argument of civility or human dignity to be effective in appealing to airlines, let alone health insurers. But she will ask them this:

Which customer would you prefer to have aboard? The one who quietly goes to another airline when yours doesn't respond satisfactorily, or the one who turns vicious when encountering a delay?

Note to Gentle Readers: Please do not use the information contained in the question as a tip. Please?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex-boyfriend and I did not part ways amicably, primarily because he cheated. Unfortunately, our social and professional circles overlap to such an extent that it has been impossible to completely avoid contact with him in the three years since we broke up. Our relationship is polite but not friendly, and it would not bother me in the least if I never saw him again.

He is now engaged to be married, and for unfathomable reasons, he and his fiancee (who knows nothing of our relationship) sent me a wedding invitation. Am I obliged to send a gift?

GENTLE READER: No, and you didn't even need to supply the interesting backstory. If everyone who received and declined a wedding invitation were obligated to send a present, greedy couples would be blanketing society with invitations to people they hardly know.

And come to think of it, some of them are.

The recipient's basic obligation is simply to respond quickly. Nevertheless, Miss Manners hopes you can find it in your heart to do the additionally charming thing and write the bride, if not the couple, a note wishing them well.

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