DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend who is a most genteel man revealed that in a frustrated moment, after being in an hour-long loop of voice recognition commands for -- I use this term advisedly -- "customer service" of a major airline, he shouted the most vulgar expression in the English language into the telephone.

To his surprise, he was immediately connected with a supervisor who solved his problem instantly.

Last week, after a bout with a telephone answering service that did not recognize the words "help," "operator," "live body" and the like, I too looked around to be sure my children were out of hearing and shouted "f---" into the telephone.

To my shock, this phrase worked with my health insurer. I later brought this up with my husband, who turned red and shame-facedly admitted that he, too, had used this method to get through to a different airline.

I feel the practice of American corporations programming the phrase "f--- you" into their lexicon of recognized words, and the fact that this brings the fastest results, is truly demeaning to our culture. Would you please use your bully pulpit to request a universal, clean phrase to replace the current magic words?

GENTLE READER: How about "Customer service, please"? No doubt this is programmed to produce a recorded laugh.

Miss Manners is not so naive as to expect the argument of civility or human dignity to be effective in appealing to airlines, let alone health insurers. But she will ask them this:

Which customer would you prefer to have aboard? The one who quietly goes to another airline when yours doesn't respond satisfactorily, or the one who turns vicious when encountering a delay?

Note to Gentle Readers: Please do not use the information contained in the question as a tip. Please?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex-boyfriend and I did not part ways amicably, primarily because he cheated. Unfortunately, our social and professional circles overlap to such an extent that it has been impossible to completely avoid contact with him in the three years since we broke up. Our relationship is polite but not friendly, and it would not bother me in the least if I never saw him again.

He is now engaged to be married, and for unfathomable reasons, he and his fiancee (who knows nothing of our relationship) sent me a wedding invitation. Am I obliged to send a gift?

GENTLE READER: No, and you didn't even need to supply the interesting backstory. If everyone who received and declined a wedding invitation were obligated to send a present, greedy couples would be blanketing society with invitations to people they hardly know.

And come to think of it, some of them are.

The recipient's basic obligation is simply to respond quickly. Nevertheless, Miss Manners hopes you can find it in your heart to do the additionally charming thing and write the bride, if not the couple, a note wishing them well.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a neighbor, a single man, who invites me, a single woman, to his house to share his hot tub. The hot tub is secluded and cannot be seen from the street. In the beginning, he wore a bathing suit, but now he wears nothing. Except for neighborly chit-chat, there is no other relationship between us. I am very uncomfortable with his nudity and don't want to sit with him in that state.

How can I let him know this makes me uncomfortable? I hate to keep refusing his invitations because I want to stay on friendly terms with my neighbors; but telling him his nudity makes me uncomfortable seems embarrassing to him and to me.

GENTLE READER: It makes you uncomfortable to sit in a tub with a naked man you hardly know?

How do you think your situation makes Miss Manners feel? Whatever happened to questions from young ladies worried about the impropriety of having tea with gentlemen in their bachelor quarters?

Ah, well. You needn't tell Miss Manners that times have changed. She has noticed.

But she thought that this included ladies no longer being too bashful to speak up. However, she agrees that the cliche of "not feeling comfortable" would not do. It invites a condescending conversation about your inhibitions.

Rather, Miss Manners recommends your saying, "Will you be wearing a bathing suit?" and if the reply is no, adding, "Well, then, thank you, but no." The gentleman is then left free to decide whether he prefers your company or his own nudity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend has a son who is a child prodigy, 8 years old and brilliant. On a regular basis, my friend corrects his English. This is not episodic but occurs very often between father and son. Consequently, the boy has a vocabulary that exceeds that of most adults.

During a recent visit with a family friend, he corrected her English. She reported back to his father how rude it is for children to correct adults regardless of if they are right or not.

But he was not rude when he told the lady that she used an incorrect word. He simply stated a fact. The boy's father corrects him often, and so he corrected an adult in charge.

What is the rule? If a child is correct, the adult is wrong, who is right? Is it impolite for an 8-year-old child to correct the English of an adult?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Your friend is doing a dreadful job of teaching this poor boy how to communicate with others.

Right or wrong is not the point; the point is that it is embarrassing to be corrected in front of other people. If the boy himself is so accustomed to having his father correct him in public, just wait until he is a bit older and wants to impress someone from that public.

This is not to say that Miss Manners agrees with your notion that age is irrelevant to manners. Parents do have to teach and correct their children, and there are times when this cannot be concealed from onlookers. But whatever they can do to maintain the dignity of their children will serve as an example of how the children should treat others.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I have been divorced for 10 years. I have family members who seem to enjoy telling me how much they disliked her.

My former spouse and I are not friends, but we were married a long time, and at one point we did love/like each other very much. I consider my family's put-downs as a personal attack on me. What can I finally say to stop this rudeness once and for all?

GENTLE READER: "Please! You are speaking about a lady who was my wife."

Said in the tone of an offended gentleman ready to fight a duel to protect his lady's good name -- only the tense of the verb has been changed -- this will flabbergast your relatives. They are obviously so used to spouses bad-mouthing their own former choices as to think you would enjoy this. Miss Manners congratulates you on being too much of a gentleman.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a veteran Las Vegas blackjack dealer, I've been involved in a heated discussion with my colleagues concerning the tipping practices of losing gamblers. Casino tipping is always a hot topic because it's how we make most of our living.

It is not, however, the same as tipping a food server or a valet, where gratuities are usually offered for services rendered. Quite often, at gaming tables, large amounts of money hang in the balance and can be lost in the blink of an eye, seriously affecting the financial well being of an individual or a family.

Many of my co-workers expect to be tipped even by losing players because they say it has everything to do with etiquette and good manners. I say this is a ludicrous expectation on the part of the truly selfish.

Unfortunately, in the world of casino gaming, there's no rhyme or reason to the tipping practices of many players. I've been tipped by people who have lost, and I've been stiffed by people who have won.

I would never expect a gratuity from a losing player, and those dealers who do should seek employment in a different profession. I say the expectations of etiquette and good manners should have acceptable limitations, especially when it concerns a person's bank account. What say you?

GENTLE READER: Certainly not that only the fortunate should practice good manners. But also that your colleagues have unrealistic expectations.

It is true that polite people tip routinely, knowing that those who perform certain services do not get their full wages from their employers. But, as you point out, the service you perform is not quite like that of a food server. If the food is bad, the waiters should not be penalized (although they often are); complaints should be made to the restaurant management.

But you and your colleagues don't just deal the cards. You represent the house, which is, in effect, the gamblers' opponent. And although you personally have not acquired the money that was lost, it may be difficult for the gambler to make that distinction.

Besides, he feels fresh out of money. Miss Manners agrees that you are wise not to expect more.

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