DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever proper to stir one's food with an implement at the table? My husband criticizes me whenever I do it.

Most commonly, I will use my fork to lightly toss salad in my personal bowl after applying dressing. It does not bother him to eat some bites globbed with dressing and others entirely dry, but I prefer mine more evenly distributed.

More recently, and I fear I may be incorrect here, I used my spoon to stir the soup once or twice in the bowl to aid in its cooling. He insists that one must not stir at all, and only blow on the soup collected from a single dip into the bowl by the spoon.

I would be willing to abide by this, except I have difficulty predicting how much blowing is necessary when the soup's temperature varies widely from surface to deep, such as for a thick soup that has been sitting out a bit after heating.

If I stir it, the temperature equalizes, and I can at least use a consistent amount of blowing for each bite. What are the allowed methods of eating (too) hot foods?

GENTLE READER: If you and your husband would kindly stop churning up your dinners, Miss Manners would like to give you both a small etiquette lesson. It will give everything a chance to cool off.

Blowing on the soup is, if anything, worse than stirring it. Even if he is skilled enough to do it without, ah, increasing the volume of the soup.

But if you move your food around so blatantly as to annoy your husband, you have an etiquette problem, in addition to the problem of annoying your husband. It is not proper to stir your individual portion of soup or salad -- and anyway, salad is not stirred, but tossed, although you shouldn't do that, either.

However, Miss Manners does not want to be responsible for your burned mouth or ruined dinner, so she will teach you how to cool or mix your food dexterously.

With soup, you take a spoonful and then hold it absent-mindedly while you tell your husband about your day. Nature will do the cooling job in time. As for the salad, you spear a dry leaf with your fork and then rest it in the dressing, which is on top. When you lift it to your mouth, the job will have been done. And all without anyone's annoying anyone else.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am delighted that at age 39 I am expecting twins and plan to inform family and my work team in a couple of weeks after another checkup with my doctor.

Could you please help me find a way to politely avoid answering the inevitable inquiries as to whether these are fertility twins? (They are.)

GENTLE READER: "I'm so happy that you are taking an interest in our babies. We will of course proclaim their birth. But we are not proclaiming their conception."

(And you needn't have told Miss Manners; she would not have dreamed of asking.)

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every Easter, my sister-in-law has an indoor candy-and-small-gifts hunt for all the adults and five children. My husband refuses to look, so I find his items for him. I feel uncomfortable as the women keep getting me small gifts, but I only get things for the children, and a host-hostess gift, along with a contribution of food for the meal. I feel like a curmudgeon for not wanting to spend the money on such things, and I've never enjoyed shopping, even if it is just for cute, inexpensive items and food gifts (for the men).

Is it OK to refuse to get things for the older children (now 11-29) and just get one thing to hide for our granddaughter, age 2? Or should I be more cooperative and give gifts to all those who give them to me?

GENTLE READER: You hate this event, don't you? And so does your husband.

Miss Manners won't bother to ask why you nevertheless attend. It's a family tradition.

That is all the more reason that you can get into trouble messing with it, especially if you do so obviously pursuing only your own advantage -- taking but not giving, except to your own granddaughter. You either fully participate or you don't.

The way to escape is to make it clear beforehand that you are skipping the hunt, either by saying you would love to come to lunch but can't stay or by skipping both. If you merely sit it out on the premises (unless you can persuade your husband that it's his turn to be the family hunter and gatherer), they will still bring you little presents.

Perhaps after a year or two, they will simply count you out, and you can then endear yourself by staying but cleaning up from lunch while they have their hunt.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: ?My friend and I are having a discussion about "Who gets Grandma's diamond ring?"

She insists that it is written somewhere that the first granddaughter always inherits Grandma's rings. I told her that maybe it was a custom in her family but I have never heard this from anyone else. Have you ever heard of this "Custom"?

When my Mother passed away I got her rings, but my friend insists that my niece should have gotten them because it is a rule. She almost said "a law" but then retracted the statement.

I have only one granddaughter, and someday in the distant future (I hope) she can have my rings if she wants them, but if I had more than one granddaughter (like my friend), I would pass my diamonds on to the one who deserved them most.

GENTLE READER: Assuming that we are not talking about legally entailed family heirlooms (Miss Manners has been escaping into Victorian novels again), there is only one place where this decision is written. In Grandma's will.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: The girl who tortured me daily in junior high is my fellow bridesmaid in an upcoming wedding. My co-worker's husband's ex, who sued them in court, will be at the daughter's graduation celebration. Today I will see a man who hacked into my computer at a funeral.

Can you advise us on how to handle ourselves correctly when we are forced to see people we loathe socially?

GENTLE READER: By turning down the social temperature, which is normally set at Warm for such occasions.

But Miss Manners insists that you understand that there is not simply one setting marked Cold. You may loathe them all, but the offenses are different and require different settings.

For the bridesmaid, it is Slightly Cool. Your mouth turns up when you have to say hello to her, but your eyes do not participate in the smile. Then you endeavor to keep at a distance. That should remind her of your grievance, and if she has grown into a different person, she will endeavor to make it up to you.

The ex gets Cold. All the formalities, but no smile. You do not have a personal grievance against him; you are merely treating him as the sort of person you do not want to know.

The hacker (at a funeral -- what was that all about?) deserves Freeze. You do not greet him, you do not acknowledge his presence, and if he approaches you, you turn away.

Mind you, all of this has to be performed without the notice of others. Putting a chill on such occasions is itself a grievance that will have others giving you the cold shoulder.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have just received yet another invitation from my husband's family, ?and this time we are asked to bring "8-10 bottles of Prosecco and of course a festive mood" for Easter Brunch.

This occurs throughout the ?year. At Christmas it was three cases of red wine and one case of white. I am sure you get the picture.

I like to think myself a ?gracious guest and with every other invitation, I confirm my ?attendance and include an offer to bring something. If the hostess declines my offer, I show up with flowers, chocolates or an appropriate small gift.

I even mentioned to a table of female relatives how much I enjoy baking ?and would love to bring the desserts for the next party. However, being told on my invitation to shell out a good $200 for the booze is, I think, horribly rude.

How can I tactfully resolve this problem and still show up with a festive mood while the rest of my husband's family shows up empty handed?

GENTLE READER: Evidently, these are not cooperative dinners, in which relatives or friends agree to contribute. In that case, others would be doing so, and there would have been a who-brings-what discussion in which you could state your preference.

So Miss Manners was about to take off on her dislike of hosts who demand that guests provide refreshments, or, for that matter, guests who demand to do so. This has undermined the hallowed tradition of reciprocal hospitality, whereby hosts do everything for their guests, but also take their turn as guests.

But wait -- do you reciprocate? If you spend all your holidays at your husband's various relatives', is this their way of nudging you to participate?

In any case, your insisting on doing so at the next opportunity, without accepting any help from anyone, is your way off the liquor run. Occasionally providing everything will give you the standing to state your preferences when it is not your turn.

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