DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette when using a public restroom and another occupant is chatting on a cell phone? May I take care of the business I came into the restroom to complete? I may make noise, especially if it is after a lunch of lentil soup. If I am able to complete my business with relative quietness, may I flush? This procedure does make noise.

If this were a once-in-a-while conundrum in a public restroom, I may not ponder this issue five minutes after washing my hands. Unfortunately, this is a near weekly event in the multistall restroom at my place of employment. Do I need to limit my fluid intake?

GENTLE READER: Such restraint would only be necessary if you were going to the bathroom, as it were, in a telephone booth. But as there is hardly such a thing left in existence, Miss Manners doubts it.

You are using the room for its correct purpose, even if you explained this more clearly than Miss Manners would have liked. Those who use it for other purposes must take their chances.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have had several discussions over the past 25 years regarding addressing the envelope to close friends and family when sending birthday cards. I feel using the formal address (i.e. Mr. Mrs. Miss) is very impersonal. Am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Not entirely. Miss Manners assures you that you are right that it is impersonal, although you are wrong that your personal feelings belong on an envelope that goes through the Post Office.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am curious about how to handle the well-off parents who seem to be very interested in being given the clothes, toys and equipment of my children.

As our friends have babies, we have been hearing lately how little they spend on clothes and how everything they have was given to them. We don't mind giving a few things away and have, but the need is bottomless. There is an inference from parents that another friend cared more when they were given a pile of clothes.

It just makes me feel uncomfortable to be around them, as it makes me feel guilty for no reason. I have purchased new toys and clothes for these children but want to keep our personal items such as a crib and clothes with memories our own. Is there some way to explain this without seeming like a hoarding fool?

GENTLE READER: Simply "Sorry, I'm going to keep them." Everyone will assume that you are pregnant, but let them. You do not need an excuse to keep what is yours, and people who use shaming to persuade you to do otherwise should be resisted.

That said, Miss Manners hopes you are not bristling at the very idea of friends' sharing children's hand-me-downs voluntarily. That they may be well-off does not prevent them from thinking that the money could be better spent than supplying successive new wardrobes for rapidly growing children.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've initiated a disagreement with my husband about a response to, "How are you?" But since promising I'd prove myself correct, I've developed doubts.

He says the proper response to "How are you?" as a greeting from a waitress, clerk, or coworker is "Good. How are you?"

I said this is just a nicety and gets a simple nicety for a greeting in return such as "How are you?" or "Good Morning" I say the response doesn't include an explanation, however well you actually are.

He says leaving the "good" off is cold.

I said that manners aren't necessarily warm, they're just mannerly.

I'm wondering if I'm mixing this up with the simple "How are you?" offered upon introduction to a new person? I mean, instead of saying "Nice to meet you" -- because you don't really know yet if it is a pleasure or not yet when you first meet someone. Maybe I'm wrong on both counts?

GENTLE READER: Let's call it a draw. Both of you have the right basic idea, and both of you are slightly confused about wording. Miss Manners finds this understandable, because the wording has evolved through usage without any regard to consistency or even meaning.

The important thing is to make a pleasant acknowledgement when addressed. (Pleasant is neither warm nor cold; just pleasant.) Either of your comments qualifies, although Miss Manners doesn't quite care for your husband's -- and many other people's -- use of "good," which refers to character, rather than "well," which indicates health.

But "How are you?" is not the same as the conventional remark exchanged at introductions, which is "How do you do?" with no answer given. Yes, yes, the meaning is the same, and they both seem to be questions -- but didn't Miss Manners warn you? (No answer to that is required.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK to refuse a table being offered you by a hostess in a restaurant? Is it polite to simply say "this table is not acceptable, please seat us at a nicer table"?

I feel like I have stamped on my forehead "Please seat my family and I or my friends and me next to the kitchen or bathroom door." I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me! Just last night my five good friends and I had reservations at this French restaurant. They seated us in a back, windowless room, not decorated, at the kitchen door and another storage-room door covered by curtains that they kept running in and out of.

What should you do when this happens?

GENTLE READER: Exactly what you suggested: Ask politely for another table. Why would you hesitate?

Miss Manners fears that you may be caught up in the popular but peculiar notion that restaurants are more than commercial establishments that serve food to what they hope is the satisfaction of their customers. Instead of fearing that the hostess will retaliate by telling everyone that you have terrible table manners, you should assume that she will be grateful to make your visit more pleasant.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I attended a friend's 30th birthday party, I, like many of the other guests, brought a gift. Normally, my friend and I e-mail or speak on the phone quite often, but after the party, I did not hear from her for well over a month, so I phoned her yesterday.

I phoned her only to catch up -- not to inquire about whether she had received the present. Frankly, I had nearly forgotten I'd given her one.

But my friend immediately brought up the gift, saying, "I'm really sorry -- I kept thinking I should write you a thank-you note, but I thought, 'Well, people from my culture don't really do that.' I never write thank-you notes for other (insert members of my friend's ethnic group here). But I guess maybe you would expect one."

After I got over my momentary surprise, I simply assured my friend I had not phoned her to ask about the present but that I was glad she had indeed received it. (Later during the phone call, she also thanked me for the present and said she liked it.) However, I was at a loss how to reply, to say the least, to her assertion that people of her ethnicity do not send formal thanks as well as her possible implication that people of my ethnicity somehow "expect" formal thanks -- as if I would be having too-high expectations of her or imposing some onerous burden.

I should add that my friend was born here and has lived her entire life in this country, speaks fluent English in addition to her parents' native tongue, and has a college degree (though she did grow up rather sheltered and in a community comprised overwhelmingly of her ethnic group). She also has several other friends and colleagues who do not share her ethnicity.

How does one reply to such comments?

GENTLE READER: Since you were not certain that your friend had even received the present, and had no idea about her reaction to it, Miss Manners gathers that this is not a question of supplementing verbal thanks with written thanks. There were no thanks at all until you happened to call.

Therefore Miss Manners would reply:

"Really? Tell me more about your culture and its rules. Do people keep giving presents and doing favors without any feedback? What stops them from getting discouraged when their efforts are met with silence? Or is it not the custom to be either generous or grateful?

"Do you follow all the customs of your culture? Even if they are repressive by American standards? Even if they seem rude to other Americans? How do you handle it when people who don't know your customs feel hurt?" And so on.

She would ask this in a gentle, teasing manner, but truthfully she is appalled by this increasingly popular excuse. It always seems to be used to get out of doing a basic courtesy, never for performing an unexpected one.

Furthermore, she has found that people who make this excuse are rarely experts, or even well-versed, in the cultures they claim to represent. On the contrary, they are only too ready to slander these cultures by claiming that they do not practice the universal trait of thanking.

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