DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I attended a friend's 30th birthday party, I, like many of the other guests, brought a gift. Normally, my friend and I e-mail or speak on the phone quite often, but after the party, I did not hear from her for well over a month, so I phoned her yesterday.

I phoned her only to catch up -- not to inquire about whether she had received the present. Frankly, I had nearly forgotten I'd given her one.

But my friend immediately brought up the gift, saying, "I'm really sorry -- I kept thinking I should write you a thank-you note, but I thought, 'Well, people from my culture don't really do that.' I never write thank-you notes for other (insert members of my friend's ethnic group here). But I guess maybe you would expect one."

After I got over my momentary surprise, I simply assured my friend I had not phoned her to ask about the present but that I was glad she had indeed received it. (Later during the phone call, she also thanked me for the present and said she liked it.) However, I was at a loss how to reply, to say the least, to her assertion that people of her ethnicity do not send formal thanks as well as her possible implication that people of my ethnicity somehow "expect" formal thanks -- as if I would be having too-high expectations of her or imposing some onerous burden.

I should add that my friend was born here and has lived her entire life in this country, speaks fluent English in addition to her parents' native tongue, and has a college degree (though she did grow up rather sheltered and in a community comprised overwhelmingly of her ethnic group). She also has several other friends and colleagues who do not share her ethnicity.

How does one reply to such comments?

GENTLE READER: Since you were not certain that your friend had even received the present, and had no idea about her reaction to it, Miss Manners gathers that this is not a question of supplementing verbal thanks with written thanks. There were no thanks at all until you happened to call.

Therefore Miss Manners would reply:

"Really? Tell me more about your culture and its rules. Do people keep giving presents and doing favors without any feedback? What stops them from getting discouraged when their efforts are met with silence? Or is it not the custom to be either generous or grateful?

"Do you follow all the customs of your culture? Even if they are repressive by American standards? Even if they seem rude to other Americans? How do you handle it when people who don't know your customs feel hurt?" And so on.

She would ask this in a gentle, teasing manner, but truthfully she is appalled by this increasingly popular excuse. It always seems to be used to get out of doing a basic courtesy, never for performing an unexpected one.

Furthermore, she has found that people who make this excuse are rarely experts, or even well-versed, in the cultures they claim to represent. On the contrary, they are only too ready to slander these cultures by claiming that they do not practice the universal trait of thanking.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother taught me not to mess with a lady's purse, but when I go to socials, I often find all of the available seats occupied by purses and coats. The ladies are chatting in the kitchen while the men are standing on sore knees in the living room.

Are these chairs reserved for the ladies whose purses occupy them? Where should the ladies properly place their coats and purses? Am I allowed to remove a purse or coat and put it in its proper place?

GENTLE READER: You gentlemen would be less uncomfortable if you stopped standing on your knees, Miss Manners would imagine. And if you understood that messing with a lady's purse means opening it, sitting on it, tossing it across the room and, in extreme cases, stealing it, but not carefully placing it out of your way, but where she will be able to find it.

Gentlemen may not appreciate the fact that there has never been a satisfactory solution to the problem of where a lady should park her purse. If she puts it on the floor, you will step on it. If she puts it on a table, you will spill your drink on it. If she keeps it on her arm, it will tire her and also hit you in the wrong place if you try to hug her.

Coats are another matter. Presumably there is a closet, or you gentlemen would have strewn your own coats on chairs. So why don't you hang up the ladies' coats? For that matter, why didn't you do so when you and the ladies arrived?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will be getting married in a few months' time and have been having a hard time picking out wedding favors within our budget that will make it further than the garbage can once our guests return home.

We have allotted $1 to $2 per guest. Our gift budget does not lack as a result of money being improperly allocated; we have needed to find many ways to cut corners.

My fiance and I have thought to instead donate the money to an organization which does research on a terminal illness, to which we lost his mother a couple of years ago.

Do you think that our guests would appreciate the sentiment or be miffed that they were not given individual gifts? Would we be better off giving each guest some cookies or candies?

GENTLE READER: Who told you that you had to give out wedding favors? Etiquette has never thought of weddings as comparable to children's birthday parties, where the guests might need consolation for not being the center of attention.

Donating money for medical research is a fine idea, if you can manage it, and Miss Manners commends you. But it has nothing to do with your wedding guests. It cannot be construed as any sort of favor to them.

You owe them only the hospitality of the occasion. Drawing attention to your having considered, and then decided against, giving them little presents will not strike them as charming.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in desperate need of your sage advice concerning friends/acquaintances who continually chide my husband and me because our lives do not revolve around sitting at a computer all day.

We are educated, retired and attend many social functions with retired friends, where conversation invariably leads to stories of how much time they spend on the computer at home every day. Also about blogs, iPods, cable/dish television and radio, etc. We are avid readers, enjoy nature and bird watching, walking, interacting with our grandchildren and neighbors, attending theater and philharmonic and, most importantly, we converse. We often frequent our local library, watch PBS and listen to NPR.

We do have an old computer that I occasionally use for e-mail only (but am not online), and do not subscribe to cable/dish nor own iPods.

We would never dream of telling them NOT to spend so much of their precious time in life sitting in front of a computer. Yet we are on the receiving end of their endless, and often arrogant, remarks about how we are "out of the loop."

GENTLE READER: What makes you think it an insult to be told that you are out of that particular loop?

Miss Manners advises you to stop being defensive and turn -- well, no, not offensive, as you would be if you touted your pastimes, as your friends and acquaintances tout theirs. But you enjoy conversation, so why don't you initiate some? A standard opening to do so is, "Read any good books lately?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A number of years ago, my closest friend asked me for money in the amount of $400 to make her house payment. I had the money and I gave it to her. Through the years, she brought it up once or twice and mentioned that if she ever came into money, she would take me to Italy.

She recently inherited a very great deal of money, and I am living on a pension. The $400 repayment would be an asset, but I am hesitant to bring it up. I am frustrated that she has not made any reference to this loan.

She has always known that she would one day inherit. Now that she has, I am frustrated as there has been no mention of repayment.

Is there a polite way of bringing it up, or is this a lesson in life that I must learn?

GENTLE READER: Apparently, you have learned the lesson that it is rude to discuss money with friends. What you have not learned was that once a friend enters into a financial agreement with you, this prohibition is no longer in effect. Your friend has waived it.

Miss Manners recommends that you ask for your money back in a pleasant but businesslike manner: "Some years ago, I lent you $400, and I would like it repaid now." No special pleas, such as accompany the request to borrow money, are needed. It is your money.

Should your friend attempt to barter, brining up that vague promise of a trip, you should say, "Why, that would be extremely nice of you" -- and after all, why shouldn't she do you a favor when you did one for her? -- "but first I'd like to clear that loan."

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