DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in desperate need of your sage advice concerning friends/acquaintances who continually chide my husband and me because our lives do not revolve around sitting at a computer all day.

We are educated, retired and attend many social functions with retired friends, where conversation invariably leads to stories of how much time they spend on the computer at home every day. Also about blogs, iPods, cable/dish television and radio, etc. We are avid readers, enjoy nature and bird watching, walking, interacting with our grandchildren and neighbors, attending theater and philharmonic and, most importantly, we converse. We often frequent our local library, watch PBS and listen to NPR.

We do have an old computer that I occasionally use for e-mail only (but am not online), and do not subscribe to cable/dish nor own iPods.

We would never dream of telling them NOT to spend so much of their precious time in life sitting in front of a computer. Yet we are on the receiving end of their endless, and often arrogant, remarks about how we are "out of the loop."

GENTLE READER: What makes you think it an insult to be told that you are out of that particular loop?

Miss Manners advises you to stop being defensive and turn -- well, no, not offensive, as you would be if you touted your pastimes, as your friends and acquaintances tout theirs. But you enjoy conversation, so why don't you initiate some? A standard opening to do so is, "Read any good books lately?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A number of years ago, my closest friend asked me for money in the amount of $400 to make her house payment. I had the money and I gave it to her. Through the years, she brought it up once or twice and mentioned that if she ever came into money, she would take me to Italy.

She recently inherited a very great deal of money, and I am living on a pension. The $400 repayment would be an asset, but I am hesitant to bring it up. I am frustrated that she has not made any reference to this loan.

She has always known that she would one day inherit. Now that she has, I am frustrated as there has been no mention of repayment.

Is there a polite way of bringing it up, or is this a lesson in life that I must learn?

GENTLE READER: Apparently, you have learned the lesson that it is rude to discuss money with friends. What you have not learned was that once a friend enters into a financial agreement with you, this prohibition is no longer in effect. Your friend has waived it.

Miss Manners recommends that you ask for your money back in a pleasant but businesslike manner: "Some years ago, I lent you $400, and I would like it repaid now." No special pleas, such as accompany the request to borrow money, are needed. It is your money.

Should your friend attempt to barter, brining up that vague promise of a trip, you should say, "Why, that would be extremely nice of you" -- and after all, why shouldn't she do you a favor when you did one for her? -- "but first I'd like to clear that loan."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am searching for a nice reply even though I really don't feel that nice at all.

I am expecting my first baby, and it is a girl. I have many friends and acquaintances who have been very good to me and who I would not want to hurt. But they have been telling me things that I choke in anger about. Commentary like "how fun it will be to dress her; you'll have so much fun shopping; dress shopping with matching hats ... ruffly underwear..." I find really distasteful and annoying.

I hate to be no fun, but setting up my child to look like a pretty doll is not exciting to me because I feel really strongly against enforcing the gender role that it is fun to make a girl look really decorous and fun to shop with, as opposed to a boy. I want to do my best to raise my baby with other values, although I recognize when she gets older she might want to do the pretty thing herself.

So far, I have been smilingly demurring and saying things like, "I think actually jumpers and pajamas are very cute on all babies..." but I get responses like "You'll see!" making it sound like my deep parental love is going to propel me straight to the baby boutiques. Saying anything would run the risk of:

a. sounding like an old stick in the mud

b. making some of these people feel bad if they did this themselves

c. sounding unexcited about my own baby.

However, I really feel strongly about this type of thing and hate to just agree for the sake of niceties.

First of all, what do I say? Second of all, do you see where I am coming from or are these feelings wrong? I don't think it is proper to teach little girls about appearances and shopping right off the bat, or to pose while others compliment them.

Please help because this is really bothering me, and actually embarrassed me as a little girl sometimes forced into frills herself.

GENTLE READER: But you will be the mother now. You should already know that sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you.

Well, some of them might, Miss Manners admits, but not the mindless sort of blather that has you so riled up. People don't know what to say about unborn babies beyond offering their congratulations, so they often go off in unfortunate directions. At least your friends are predicting enjoyment rather than dire consequences from giving birth or having a baby who will eventually become a teenager.

And they will not be bringing up your daughter; you will. They are not even taking a political stand. They are just blathering. So there is no practical reason for taking their remarks as a challenge.

Just let them pass. However strong you want your daughter to be, you will advise her, Miss Manners hopes, not to go around picking fights with well-meaning people.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiancee and I received a lovely crystal vase as an engagement gift. I began to remove the small sticker with the manufacturer's name and a statement about the lead content when my fiancee chided me, insisting that one leaves such stickers on crystal, even on stemware, where the sticker would be much more prominent.

This seems strange to me, akin to leaving the price tag affixed to an item one has purchased. Would you kindly provide guidance?

GENTLE READER: It is strange, and it is like leaving on the price tag. The most bizarre part is that your fiancee is not the only person who has succumbed to what amounts to an etiquette myth.

Miss Manners can only think that the people who came up with this were frightened in childhood by the harsh warnings against removing tags on mattresses and electrical cords.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can a host ask overnight guests whether they had a good night, and how can guests respond, without turning this exchange into a report card on the accommodations or an intrusion on the guest's privacy?

"Good morning, how did you sleep?" would seem to be nothing more than a polite formality like, "How are you?" But, in fact, both parties understand it to be a one-directional inquiry about the hospitality, and the guest cannot politely respond without a formulaic, "Fine, thanks, and you?"

As a host, I feel driven to ask this question, and nothing less than a rave report assures me that there was nothing more I might have done to improve my guests' comfort.

But as a guest, I resent the question, especially from a bright-eyed eager host before I've had my coffee. Many of us have sleep problems that have nothing to do with how comfortable our quarters are, and we would prefer not to describe or explain them.

It's hard to come up with a convincing lie when one has had a difficult night, and if the guest is truthful, any problems mentioned will seem to reflect on the host. It would be like asking, "How did you like the food I cooked for you?" and the guest responding, "It was very tasty, but now I have gas, which always happens when I eat cheese, so it isn't your fault."

That's more information than anybody wants, and not very convincing or useful. Maybe you can suggest some more comfortable ways for hosts and guests to greet each other and talk about well-being after a night under the same roof.

GENTLE READER: Right. In fact, ugh.

Such information is only useful if a problem is easily fixable. You don't want your houseguests complaining that they found the wallpaper disturbing.

Therefore, the first part of the exchange should be conventional on the part of both host and guest. But after the "Did you sleep well?" the host may continue with, "Would you like another pillow or blanket?" Or the guest can introduce the problem by saying, "Fine, thank you. But I wonder if I might trouble you for a wash cloth."

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