DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am going through an acrimonious divorce. My ex used a bruise on my daughter's hip to cause me and the children immense grief by reporting it to the authorities rather than simply calling or e-mailing for an explanation of the accident.

My two young daughters were pulled from their classes and were interviewed by the county specialist, with, in one case a teacher and, in the other case, the principal present. By the time I was interviewed, the specialist who had interviewed my daughters announced that clearly there was no abuse in this case and "this thing happens all the time in divorces."

Be that as it may, I feel terrible for my children and the school staff that had to go through this. I am at a loss as to how to deal with the teacher and principal.

Do I send a note apologizing for them having to interrupt their schedule and saying, "Sorry my ex is such a witch"? Although they heard my children say nice things about me in the interview, it would also be nice to let them know that I was exculpated, without sounding like a jerk. Any ideas?

GENTLE READER: In general, an apology should not attempt to blame someone else. In this case, Miss Manners certainly sees the temptation, but there are two more reasons to refrain from doing so.

First, a gentleman should never speak ill of his former wife. And second, you don't need to, because your having been exonerated makes her behavior quite clear. A note apologizing for the disruption of the school schedule could, however, mention that you were sorry that it was "unnecessarily" disrupted.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I hosted a Super Bowl party and were absolutely appalled by the number of guests who brought several of their own friends, without acknowledging these people in their RSVP. What should have been a party of 24 turned into 35, and it was difficult to accommodate everyone in our small townhouse.

Some of the "extra guests" did not even introduce themselves to me or my husband and proceeded to place their feet (and shoes) on our furniture. I wanted to be a gracious host, but I admit I was steamed by this lack of respect for my home.

I would like to communicate to my friends who WERE invited and brought these people that I don't appreciate the casual nature of their behavior, but how do I do this and not offend the friend?

GENTLE READER: By not inviting them to your next party. If they seem offended, you can say that this is just for your friends, and you know that they have other friends to entertain.

What puzzles Miss Manners is that you are characterizing them as "casual," in contrast to their friends, of whom you say they failed to respect your house. Casual is a word that many people mistakenly believe to mean (when applied to themselves) "charmingly unpretentious." It is at least as disrespectful to march other people into your party and even fail to introduce them (that was their job, not their friends') as to put feet on the furniture.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have noticed a disturbing trend in airline travel: Passengers are increasingly bringing food on airplanes. This is understandable, given the inadequate amount of sustenance, if any, provided by the airlines. However, I do believe some manners and social customs should govern what kinds of food are appropriate for passengers to carry on an airplane.

To help, I would like to suggest a rule: Bringing odorous meals on an airplane is rude and socially unacceptable. Granola bars are benign, but french fries are offensive. Grapes are harmless, but pizza slices are impertinent. And so on.

Perhaps I am being a bit sensitive, as one friend has already suggested, but I leave it for you to make that determination. Before you do, I must add that this rule will not only free passengers and airline employees from feeling as if they are trapped in a flying pizza oven, but may also have the salutary effect of encouraging people to pursue a healthier lifestyle. But again, this is for you to decide and I now defer to your judgment.

GENTLE READER: The Law of the Air, as Miss Manners recognizes it, is "Try to stay out of my space and I'll try to stay out of yours."

You may notice that the wording is rather loose for an etiquette rule. This is because passenger space keeps getting smaller, and we may all soon be sitting in one another's laps instead of just leaning back on one another like fallen dominoes.

Thank you for pointing out that pungent food odors should be added to the list of things that should not be allowed to intrude on fellow passengers. These include noise, body parts and tales of woe. But Miss Manners must remind you that supervising other people's nutrition is also on that list.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two friends of ours are expecting a baby to be born about a month before the date of our marriage. I want to make it clear that their child is welcome at our wedding, if they want to bring him/her.

I know the correct way to do this is to address the envelope to both parents and child, but since we don't know the gender or (obviously) the name of the expected baby, I ended up just writing "Mr. and Mrs. X and family," which seemed wrong. They did RSVP for all three of them, so obviously understood what I was trying to express; but is there a less impersonal way I could have addressed the envelope?

GENTLE READER: It is difficult to get personal with someone who has not yet made an appearance in this world. Miss Manners only hopes you did not succeed too well in your effort at being inclusive, and lead your friends to believe that the entire extended family was encouraged to show up.

It would have been gracious of you to wait until the baby was born, and then to add to your congratulatory letter "and we do hope you will bring little Zoe to the wedding."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a very lovely restaurant near our home, my husband and I ordered a bottle of champagne to enjoy with our meal. When the champagne was brought to the table to be opened, my husband smiled at me in anticipation, as we always love to hear the sound of a cork popping from a bottle of champagne -- one of the most celebratory sounds one can imagine, at least in our minds.

After watching the waitress uncork the bottle soundlessly, we joked that it must've been a "dud" and we were disappointed that it didn't pop, and explained our feelings about the joyfulness associated with the sound.

She smiled and agreed with us, but then told us that management of the restaurant was very specific in their instruction to the servers that champagne corks must exit the bottle utterly soundlessly, seemingly with the implication that the noise may disturb others.

While I realize that there may be some small extra emission of effervescence if one allows the cork to pop, it seems stoic to me that one would have to do so for reasons of etiquette. Could you clarify?

GENTLE READER: First please allow Miss Manners to ease the cork out of her eye from your last celebration.

Your waitress' theory notwithstanding, it is not the noise that is disturbing to others in the vicinity so much as a fast blow from a flying cork. And then there is the overflowing bottle, a look best saved for christening ships.

Your waitress opened the champagne bottle correctly, even if she didn't understand why. Popping the cork, however exciting you may find it, is considered a sign of ineptitude. Miss Manners suggests that you celebrate at home in the future, rather than among innocent strangers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am writing to suggest something quite practical and extraordinary with regard to seating on public transportation: If someone is unable to, or merely uncomfortable, standing, but the seats are all taken, perhaps that person could gently ask someone sitting, "Pardon me, but I am in need of a seat."

I find this a better alternative to fuming about the rudeness of others, or to standing when one doesn't feel able. I did this one time when I was under the weather and my polite request was met with alacrity. In fact, three people jumped up to help me, without even requiring me to show a positive pregnancy test or proof of age. (I was neither in the family way nor elderly; just in need.) Is this proper etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but Miss Manners doesn't know whether to be grateful or distraught about your suggestion.

Absolutely, it is proper to state a need gently and politely, rather than to fume or rail about other people's rudeness. Or, what is more usual, to think up ways to be rude back to those targeted as rude.

But is it really extraordinary? Miss Manners is afraid that it might be. Giving others the benefit of the doubt -- assuming that those sitting were not paying attention or had no way of knowing that you needed a seat -- is unfortunately rarely anyone's first reaction.

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