DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a very lovely restaurant near our home, my husband and I ordered a bottle of champagne to enjoy with our meal. When the champagne was brought to the table to be opened, my husband smiled at me in anticipation, as we always love to hear the sound of a cork popping from a bottle of champagne -- one of the most celebratory sounds one can imagine, at least in our minds.

After watching the waitress uncork the bottle soundlessly, we joked that it must've been a "dud" and we were disappointed that it didn't pop, and explained our feelings about the joyfulness associated with the sound.

She smiled and agreed with us, but then told us that management of the restaurant was very specific in their instruction to the servers that champagne corks must exit the bottle utterly soundlessly, seemingly with the implication that the noise may disturb others.

While I realize that there may be some small extra emission of effervescence if one allows the cork to pop, it seems stoic to me that one would have to do so for reasons of etiquette. Could you clarify?

GENTLE READER: First please allow Miss Manners to ease the cork out of her eye from your last celebration.

Your waitress' theory notwithstanding, it is not the noise that is disturbing to others in the vicinity so much as a fast blow from a flying cork. And then there is the overflowing bottle, a look best saved for christening ships.

Your waitress opened the champagne bottle correctly, even if she didn't understand why. Popping the cork, however exciting you may find it, is considered a sign of ineptitude. Miss Manners suggests that you celebrate at home in the future, rather than among innocent strangers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am writing to suggest something quite practical and extraordinary with regard to seating on public transportation: If someone is unable to, or merely uncomfortable, standing, but the seats are all taken, perhaps that person could gently ask someone sitting, "Pardon me, but I am in need of a seat."

I find this a better alternative to fuming about the rudeness of others, or to standing when one doesn't feel able. I did this one time when I was under the weather and my polite request was met with alacrity. In fact, three people jumped up to help me, without even requiring me to show a positive pregnancy test or proof of age. (I was neither in the family way nor elderly; just in need.) Is this proper etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but Miss Manners doesn't know whether to be grateful or distraught about your suggestion.

Absolutely, it is proper to state a need gently and politely, rather than to fume or rail about other people's rudeness. Or, what is more usual, to think up ways to be rude back to those targeted as rude.

But is it really extraordinary? Miss Manners is afraid that it might be. Giving others the benefit of the doubt -- assuming that those sitting were not paying attention or had no way of knowing that you needed a seat -- is unfortunately rarely anyone's first reaction.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please address the protocol of providing toiletries for one's houseguests.

My budget does not permit me to provide a basket of luxury bath items, but I always supply my guest bathroom with a fresh bar of bath soap, an ample supply of my favorite brand of shampoo and conditioner, and other items upon the guest's request.

In the past, I have supplied travel-size shampoo and conditioner, but larger bottles are more economical. Prior to my most recent guest's arrival, I placed almost-full bottles, so I had no reason to believe she might run out of either product during her four-day stay.

After her departure, I was surprised to find the bottle of conditioner gone. I initially thought I must have misjudged the amount in it and that she must have used it all. However, the remaining bottle of matching shampoo was still rather full.

This leads me to believe that my guest either used abnormally large amounts of conditioner during her stay or that she took a mostly full bottle without asking me. In my opinion, either scenario would require communication to the hostess, either a casual mention that one had used the last of the conditioner or a request to take the bottle.

Coincidentally, all the toilet tissue from the guest bathroom was also gone following my guest's departure, including several extra rolls, which I had deemed sufficient supply for her stay, but I am trying not to speculate too much on that one. (My guest didn't notify me of a shortage, and I did not notice it until after her departure.)

Obviously, a missing bottle of conditioner isn't worth a confrontation, so I will probably never know if my guest swiped it. I don't want to think uncharitable thoughts of my guest without justification, however, and wonder if my thinking is in the wrong.

Selfishly, I should mention that I anticipate having to share a bathroom with this person on an upcoming trip, and wonder if I should bring an extra supply of bath products, or simply hide my toiletries when I'm not using them. I have no problem sharing with friends when they ask, by the way. Am I obligated to provide houseguests with take-home toiletries?

GENTLE READER: Couldn't your guest have accidentally spilled the bottle, been embarrassed to mention it, and used the toilet tissue to mop up?

But we weren't going to speculate on that. Anyway, Miss Manners would rather pontificate on the decline of civilization.

This can be seen in the fact that a significant enough number of people steal items from their hotel rooms that hotels find it expedient to provide cheaper items to slip into their luggage. This, in turn, led to the belief that stocking up on supplies (as opposed to using them on the spot, like the towels) is legitimate. It was bound to slip over into private life.

Miss Manners is gratified to find that the travel-sized bottles you used to supply were not acquired that way (or you would not have looked for something cheaper). You and she are probably the only people in the world who consider that these are to be used on the spot, not to restock one's own bathroom.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Under what conditions do you consider it appropriate for an elderly "lady" to drink beer directly from the bottle?

Specifically, in an upscale retirement facility, we have "happy hour" every Thursday afternoon from 4 p.m. to 5 p.m. in a casual all-purpose room. Dinner is served in a very nice dining room following. A glass of wine is served with dinner if one wishes to have it.

Some residents leave the happy hour and bring their last cocktail, highball or beer with them to the dining room (which is OK).

One woman (age 70 to 75) brings a beer and drinks it from the bottle during her dinner. I contend that anyone who brings the beer with them should have it poured into a glass -- particularly an elderly woman.

Am I old-fashioned and behind the times? A picnic or watching a ball game at a sports bar might be OK.

GENTLE READER: Less seemly than drinking beer from a bottle in a proper dining room would be one diner chastising another over her table manners. Miss Manners trusts that you do not intend to do that, but that you merely want confirmation that chug-a-lugging is not becoming in such circumstances. No, it is not. For anyone of any age or gender.

However, you may also hope to reform the lady. Miss Manners insists that you not attempt it directly, but presumably you know the dining-room waiters. You might gently suggest that one of them make a habit of appearing with a glass saying, "Allow me to pour this for you, madam," and then removing the empty bottle.

This would make it a point of good service rather than bad manners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Does a request have to include the word "please" to be considered polite?

I certainly try to use the word "please," but I think it's OK to word a request differently, as long as it's still delivered nicely. For instance, "Would you mind getting me a glass of water while you're up?" or "Could you give me a hand with these groceries?"

My boyfriend feels differently, though, and when I say things like that, he says, "Please?" and then I say, "please!" and then he helps.

I'm OK with putting up with this rule of his, but I'm sure I say similar things to other people, and I wonder, do people think I'm rude?

GENTLE READER: This rule of his? You mean that you actually know the gentleman who is responsible for generations of children not being able to pry cookies out of their parents' hands without first saying "the magic word"?

Yes, people who make requests without saying "please" are considered rude. It sounds as if they are giving orders rather than asking favors.

But although Miss Manners does not understand your objection to the word, she will provide you with an acceptable substitute. You can get away with saying, instead, "I would be very grateful if you would be so kind as to..."

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