DEAR MISS MANNERS: An acquaintance insists upon inserting sharp knives in the designated drying receptacle beside the sink with handle down / point up whereas I always insist upon such items to be placed point down / handle up.

My position is predicated on issues of safety whereas he insists that his elected modus operandi is dictated by issues of a sanitary nature.

I fear my relationship with the particular gentleman may be approaching a rather sad end should this matter not be resolved by a universally accepted arbitrator such as yourself.

GENTLE READER: This is a sink-side version of what is known as the traditional Newlywed Dishwasher Fight, because it often involves what should go into the dishwasher as well as how the flatware should be placed. Even if nothing else is left for after marriage these days, this conflict should be. Only the legal bonds of matrimony are strong enough to hold together couples of such opposing views.

Miss Manners is not going to take a position on which way the knives should face, as long as the two of you do not hold them facing each other. Since your gentleman is merely an acquaintance, she advises you to set them his way in his kitchen and him to set them your way in yours. Should the relationship lead to a shared household, get back to her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I think I have had it drummed into my head that the "hosting" of potluck parties, dinners, etc., is not appropriate in general.

But is there ever a polite way to "host" such a gathering? If it is not presented as an event with an invitation, but rather a group of friends at lunch one day bringing up the subject of, "We should do this more often -- what about a potluck dinner," is it more acceptable?

If not, what do you think of events like church socials, where everyone brings a "covered dish to share?" Do events like that fall into the "potluck" category? If not, is it only because they are not hosted by one individual?

As you can see, I'm a little confused. Any light you can shed on the subject would be greatly appreciated.

GENTLE READER: There are a number of terms being misused in this situation. While "potluck" once had the jolly connotation of always being ready to share whatever was on one's stove, it came to be used for a cooperative meal -- which can also be charming, provided nobody squabbles over the leftovers.

But now the term is used by people who fancy themselves "hosts" when they invite other people, whom they call "guests" to cater a meal for them. Free. And sometimes without warning, as the cooking requirement is mentioned only after the invitation is accepted.

Miss Manners has no objection whatsoever to cooperative or covered dish meals, provided that no one pretends that these are host-guest situations. One person may organize this and volunteer to provide the setting, but nobody is host in the sense of throwing a dinner party. Or everyone is.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a senior in high school. The program I am in is very competitive and produces very high-achieving students. Because of this, quite a few of the students apply to places such as Stanford, UC Berkeley and the Ivies.

I was very lucky -- I was accepted into my first-choice school very early in the year and my classmates, even the ones to whom I am not very close, were (or at least pretended to be) very happy for me, and I will be happy to do the same for them. What I'm wondering is how to properly expresses my regret to people who do not get accepted into their top schools. Also, what is the correct response to people who get deferred? And do the answers to these questions change depending on whether the student in question is a good friend or just a casual acquaintance?

Should I say anything at all if a third party told about someone else's rejection/deferment? So far, I haven't, mostly because my friends tend to tell me about their rejections from universities (though some are tight-lipped about their acceptances).

GENTLE READER: You should do everything you can to stay out of any such conversations with anyone. If told directly about deferments or rejections, say something like "That's insane -- it's such a lottery" and then quickly change the subject: "Are you going to the game tomorrow?"

This is because there is nothing you can say that will not be interpreted as patronizing. "Forget them; you'll get into a good school" will bring on the thought of "easy for you to say," and even "I was just lucky" calls attention to the contrast between your situations.

Miss Manners understands how unfair this is. You only want to be kind and polite. You are not comparing yourself to them, so why should they?

They shouldn't, and perhaps they would not. But they were gracious about your triumph and you should spare them having to muster that much generosity again.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to turn down a wedding invitation because of the sheer cost to get there?

I have a friend who is getting married next summer in a remote location. It would take me a few hours to fly there and five hours to drive from the airport. The monetary cost for my husband and me is very high.

This is a friend we rarely see and are not close to. We feel it would be easier for us to send a nice (possibly expensive) gift and send our regrets. Is that OK?

GENTLE READER: A wedding invitation is not a summons with the fine already attached. Of course you may turn one down for whatever reason -- that you are not particularly close to the person being married, that you cannot easily afford the trip and the time or that you just don't feel like going.

All Miss Manners requires is that you answer the invitation without any such explanation (none is needed) and wish the couple well. You don't even have to send a present, but if you want to do so, you needn't feel that its worth has to make up for your absence.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a middle-aged woman. I tend to be conservative in what I wear, but remember fondly dressing a little less conservatively in my younger, slimmer days.

I wonder whether I have gotten too conservative in my fashion tastes when I see women my own age dressed in the revealing styles that younger women have adopted. Indeed, sometimes when it is very obvious that there are no undergarments hindering many women, both middle age and younger, as they walk about on the streets, I find myself torn between shock and dismay.

I am very much for women's rights, but am conflicted when I see my "sisters" exercising their rights in such an outgoing way. I find myself wondering whether, in exercising their right to dress as they please, they have gone a little too far.

Have I gotten too conservative in my middle age?

GENTLE READER: You have gotten confused. Dressing lewdly is not an expression of women's rights.

Miss Manners commends you for dressing in good taste. But she assures you that the bad taste you observe has nothing whatsoever to do with claiming an equal right to run around with no underwear.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a gay man planning to become engaged in the near future. While I'm looking forward to getting married, I am dreading the questions from friends and family about the legality of the wedding, such as "Are you going to go to Massachusetts?" or "Is that legal in Maryland yet?"

At best, the questions throw cold water on what should otherwise be a joyful and congratulatory moment. At worst, it puts our attention on the rather painful subject of marriage inequality. I do not wish to sound angry or confrontational in my reply by saying something like, "No, did you travel to a strange state to get married?" or "Well, I'm not waiting around for Maryland to get its act together!"

We intend to have a minister preside and to be as lawfully joined as possible, but I do not feel as if this is something I should have to justify to others; nor do I feel my wedding must be some sort of political statement.

I've contemplated appropriate responses, such as, "Oh, of course not," but I worry that will only lead to further questions. What is a proper, polite and effective response to a question about my pending marriage that I do not wish to answer?

GENTLE READER: Precedent here is that most people love to talk about their wedding plans and take the slightest show of interest as license to go on and on until others are weak with boredom.

There is no reason that you cannot achieve this effect. Just follow Miss Manners' rule of answering the question you want to deal with rather than the one that was asked. It got her through school.

"Right now, we're talking about the cake," you might say. "He likes chocolate, but one of my aunts is allergic to chocolate, so I'm thinking that maybe we should have cake that she can eat, but chocolate pastries on the side for those who want them."

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