DEAR MISS MANNERS: An old friend of mine was recently incarcerated and, assuming he would like visitors, I will be going to see him in the coming months. This friend lives far away, and under different circumstances we would have met for coffee and updated each other on our lives.

I'm a bit at a loss as how to go about that, or any other sort of polite conversation in this situation.

I realize that his life has gone from bad to worse in recent months, so asking "How have you been?" seems insensitive. It also seems rude to talk about my own life, which I'm happy with.

What are the appropriate questions to ask someone who's a resident of the state? "How's the food?"

GENTLE READER: Ah, no. Not a good one. Neither is "How are they treating you?"

The rule in dealing with sad situations is to let those in them decide whether or how much they want to discuss it. Thus you open with a sympathetic but neutral observation, such as "I've been worried about you" and let your friend direct the conversation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I recently got married and treated our 250 guests to a five-course dinner, drinks and dancing. We also hosted an after-party, which offered more food, drinks and dancing. We basically threw a party for our family and friends that lasted seven hours.

My career background has always been in the nonprofit sector, and as a result, I believed that my husband and I should have a charity registry for our wedding. We expected that some guests might feel more comfortable giving us a personal gift, and that's fine, but we wanted the focus to be on supporting causes that matter most to us.

The wedding was wonderful and pretty much everyone stayed until the end and had a great time.

It has been a month now since the wedding and nearly half of my guests not only didn't donate to our charities, but they opted to give us nothing at all. The registry was listed on our wedding Web site (as well as our RSVP), so there is really no way they could have missed it. We feel like they just took advantage of the situation and thought we wouldn't notice.

It's not about the gift itself; it's the principle. We really want to write something, but we don't want to be tacky about it. What should we do?

GENTLE READER: Send them a bill for the dinner and drinks?

Chastise them for reneging on a charitable commitment that you so generously made for them without their consent?

This is about the gift, not the principle, Miss Manners must inform you. No principle allows you to charge people for attending your wedding. Wedding presents may be customary, but they are still given voluntarily, at the discretion of the guests.

Your wanting to collect their money for a good cause does not whitewash the situation. You still cannot complain that they owe you for having attended your wedding.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A novel I once read imagined a woman winning the U.S. presidency. Her husband was referred to as the first husband.

Aside from the fact that it seems that the masculine equivalent of the First Lady should be the first gentleman, would it not seem reasonable to Miss Manners that a female president could have a first lady?

In American history, the first lady has not always been the wife of the president. When the president was widowed or a bachelor, a close female relative served as the White House hostess and thus was known as the first lady.

Now that it appears that the United States may soon have a female president -- if not with this election, surely with one in the near future -- does it not seem reasonable that such a president could ask her mother, daughter, sister or other close female relative to serve as the first lady and spare her husband the need to take over the east wing of the White House?

A ruling from Miss Manners would be greatly appreciated.

GENTLE READER: She is delighted to oblige, provided we begin with the admission that "first lady" is an unoffical and rather silly title. Miss Manners agrees with Jacqueline Kennedy, who said it made her sound like a horse.

The president's spouse is a private citizen with no official rank, and thus is properly addressed, in writing and in person, as Mrs. Washington (with neither her nor her husband's given name; she would be THE Mrs. Washington, with no danger of being mistaken for Mrs. Chuck Washington).

However, courtesy accords precedence to her, or to another lady serving as the president's hostess. This was referred to, in the era of more complicated and more rigorously observed precedence systems, as her being "the first lady of the land."

Hence the title. But its history does not go back all that far. There was a lot of backsliding when egalitarianism was new around here, and Mrs. Washington was often called "Lady Washington," while Mrs. Madison relished being called "Her Majesty." Even when the title of "first lady" became popular, it never applied to the nonspouses who served as hostesses.

A female president would be the hostess at state occasions; she cannot designate another lady to preside and therefore outrank her socially. What she would need, in addition to the professionals already provided for putting on such events, is an understanding public that does not keep asking for her recipes and notions about flower-arranging.

And now to the husband. If anything is sillier than "first lady," it is "first husband" (unless this is necessary to distinguish him from a marital successor also on the scene). He would be the host, and addressed simply by his name and "Mr." or another honorific he held, such as general or governor.

Perhaps this is the place to say once again that American protocol dictates that only one person at a time can hold the title of president of the United States. Former presidents should never be so addressed, although they have even taken to calling one another that. Miss Manners would have thought that having reached that position would surely have cured anyone of status anxiety.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and I were brought up learning the importance of writing thank you notes for gifts received. We have been writing thank you notes to our relatives for Christmas presents for as long as I can remember.

Now that we are both adults (25 and 22), we both give and receive gifts during the holidays.

I realized recently that the thank-you-note rule seems to only apply to the "children" and not to the adults (parents, aunts/uncles, grandparents). Is there a point where we will be "adults" too and exempt from written acknowledgement, or should we be expecting handwritten notes from our family members?

GENTLE READER: Since you cannot be asking seriously whether etiquette offers a retirement plan from the rigors of polite behavior, Miss Manners will answer the questions you meant to ask.

Yes, your older relatives are rude not to express thanks for the presents you give them. And no, that does not entitle you to retaliate by ignoring the presents they give you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I throw a yearly holiday party, and each year, I have more wine the morning after than when the party started. Each guest brings a bottle -- unprompted.

I feel honored by my guests who arrive empty-handed, who place their evening's hospitality into my (I think, capable) hands. I love a good bottle of wine, which my thoughtful guests do their best to bring; but I cannot appreciate all of them -- I do have to walk during these parties -- and am reduced to brief thanks at the door, with "you shouldn't have."

Please, could you challenge your readers to arrive at parties empty-handed, but bring a festive spirit and make the event memorable through their presence, with a well-thought-out and complementary thank you note -- the few of which I receive, I treasure -- to follow sometime after?

And I won't even mention the gifts brought which scream, "You may like us, and we're here, but we won't be inviting you to any social events next year, either; this cancels the social debt incurred by this evening."

GENTLE READER: It's funny about that correlation between bringing wine and failing to write letters of thanks or to reciprocate. Miss Manners has noticed it, too.

"I was taught never to arrive empty-handed," declare many people who were apparently not taught anything else.

Now, Miss Manners would never discourage generosity, and it is charming to bring one's dinner hosts flowers, candy or a treat to enjoy later. (Wine falls into that category, as the host will have planned the evening's wine and one bottle doesn't go far.) But it is not obligatory (and for a large party, it is likely to cause inconvenience to a busy host). Those other duties are.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was just wondering: How long into the new year can you still keep wishing people a "Happy New Year!"?

Or, when does the New Year become too old to be considered new?

GENTLE READER: Right after you finish taking down the Christmas decorations, which are beginning to get on everyone's nerves.

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