DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and I were brought up learning the importance of writing thank you notes for gifts received. We have been writing thank you notes to our relatives for Christmas presents for as long as I can remember.

Now that we are both adults (25 and 22), we both give and receive gifts during the holidays.

I realized recently that the thank-you-note rule seems to only apply to the "children" and not to the adults (parents, aunts/uncles, grandparents). Is there a point where we will be "adults" too and exempt from written acknowledgement, or should we be expecting handwritten notes from our family members?

GENTLE READER: Since you cannot be asking seriously whether etiquette offers a retirement plan from the rigors of polite behavior, Miss Manners will answer the questions you meant to ask.

Yes, your older relatives are rude not to express thanks for the presents you give them. And no, that does not entitle you to retaliate by ignoring the presents they give you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I throw a yearly holiday party, and each year, I have more wine the morning after than when the party started. Each guest brings a bottle -- unprompted.

I feel honored by my guests who arrive empty-handed, who place their evening's hospitality into my (I think, capable) hands. I love a good bottle of wine, which my thoughtful guests do their best to bring; but I cannot appreciate all of them -- I do have to walk during these parties -- and am reduced to brief thanks at the door, with "you shouldn't have."

Please, could you challenge your readers to arrive at parties empty-handed, but bring a festive spirit and make the event memorable through their presence, with a well-thought-out and complementary thank you note -- the few of which I receive, I treasure -- to follow sometime after?

And I won't even mention the gifts brought which scream, "You may like us, and we're here, but we won't be inviting you to any social events next year, either; this cancels the social debt incurred by this evening."

GENTLE READER: It's funny about that correlation between bringing wine and failing to write letters of thanks or to reciprocate. Miss Manners has noticed it, too.

"I was taught never to arrive empty-handed," declare many people who were apparently not taught anything else.

Now, Miss Manners would never discourage generosity, and it is charming to bring one's dinner hosts flowers, candy or a treat to enjoy later. (Wine falls into that category, as the host will have planned the evening's wine and one bottle doesn't go far.) But it is not obligatory (and for a large party, it is likely to cause inconvenience to a busy host). Those other duties are.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was just wondering: How long into the new year can you still keep wishing people a "Happy New Year!"?

Or, when does the New Year become too old to be considered new?

GENTLE READER: Right after you finish taking down the Christmas decorations, which are beginning to get on everyone's nerves.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I planned a party for New Year's Eve with many close friends. I awoke on New Year's Eve day with the flu and throughout the day eventually called everyone and canceled the party. I feel guilty, as some of my guests were upset because they could not make plans at another place on such short notice. Did I do the right thing?

GENTLE READER: It does sound as if you missed an opportunity to give these people the flu. But no, we don't do that kind of thing. Miss Manners congratulates you on being a great deal kinder to them than they turned out to deserve.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How long must you wait on guests to arrive before you decide to go ahead and eat?

My sister and her husband routinely run very late for dinner or lunch at my mom's house. On Christmas they were one hour and 30 minutes late! Everyone was there, including their own children, who took separate vehicles.

My mom wants to wait until everyone is present before we start. We called their house and cell phone and got no answer. My dad decided that we needed to go ahead. I was in agreement. The food was getting cold and we had to end up reheating it.

Personally, I think it is very rude to be so late. I make sure my family is there on time. But they just don't seem to get it! They are late 100 percent of the time. And it is usually at least 1 hour.

GENTLE READER: We have august precedence for the rule that absolves people from staring at rapidly chilling food. George Washington decreed that he would not delay dinner for tardy guests. And he was citing an even higher authority: his cook.

As your hostess and presumed cook dissents, you must try persuasion. It may alleviate her misgivings if you tell her that Miss Manners considers it a kindness to the tardy guests not to have to bear the responsibility for spoiling dinner for the others. She recommends bringing them to the table when they arrive by saying, "We went ahead because we knew you wouldn't have wanted us to wait."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is is possible to reciprocate too quickly? My twin brother and I hosted a New Year's Day dinner party, mixing out-of-town guests with local friends. As the party was obviously drawing to an end, a friend issued an impromptu invitation for the group to go to his house for more champagne (and a tour of his lovely home). Most, including my brother and I, accepted his kind offer for the continuing festivities.

Is this impromptu invitation considered reciprocation by our friend? We are at a loss as to who issues the next invitation. By the way, my brother and I quickly reciprocated to our New Year's Eve hosts -- on the following evening, although the invitation was issued (and accepted) several weeks earlier.

GENTLE READER: Your dinner guest was continuing your dinner party, not reciprocating, so he still owes you. But his other guests now owe him as well as you. However, you and your New Year's Eve hosts are even, which is a good thing, because Miss Manners can't figure out who reciprocated to whom. Is there any champagne left?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a 60-year-old person, I am quite aware that smoking is bad, one shouldn't over-salt one's food, physical exercise is physically beneficial, and seat belts save lives.

I like where I live, having been here 21 years. Perhaps God wants me to marry again, but I don't even want to date. My sobriety date is March, 2001, and I see a shrink for depression. Does that make me fair game for unwanted advice?

Could you advise me as to a snappy, barely civil, and advice-ending rejoinder to those who persist in giving me unwanted guidance as to how I should live my life? The perps are largely close family members and close friends.

By the way, I recently quit smoking because I wanted to, and now wear my seat-belt to avoid another citation. Of course, the advice-givers are each taking credit for my meager improvements.

GENTLE READER: If you cut down on salt and went for a bike ride, would they shut up?

No, wait. Miss Manners is not joining the nagging chorus. She just wants to establish that we are talking about your children or siblings, who are trying to get you to follow doctors' orders, or freelance busybodies volunteering to direct your life.

The latter can be told, "Really? Smoking is bad and exercise is good? And here I thought it was the other way around." (You really must make this civil by using a tone of gentle, humorous admonishment.)

But that line is not going to work on your intimates. With them, you must say more humbly, "You see, I do change eventually. But I'm afraid constant reminders just put me off, and make me more stubborn. I appreciate your concern, but patience works better than nagging."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Before my husband and I began dating, he was relatively close friends with his brother's girlfriend, and she has continued this even after we got married.

For Christmas she bought him a pair of boxers as a joke. It wouldn't be so bad, but every chance she gets she asks me if he's wearing them.

I want to know your opinion of this. I don't really know what to think. I know that the age we live in is far less inclined to be polite (or decent for that matter).

GENTLE READER: Not to mention that some people have a strange idea of what constitutes a joke. Miss Manners needn't tell you that the inquiry is being made in hopes of obtaining another such joke.

Since this one would be based on your embarrassment or jealousy, you may want to head it off by saying gently, "I'm so sorry -- I realize that you are eager to know, because you keep asking me. But I'm afraid I don't discuss my husband's underwear with outsiders."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is proper protocol for evening attire in the winter months for women?

GENTLE READER: Velvet, heavy silks, brocade -- pretty much anything that doesn't flutter in the wind. And while the length of the dress will depend on the occasion, Miss Manners recommends something that can, if necessary, conceal a pair of galoshes.

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