DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a 60-year-old person, I am quite aware that smoking is bad, one shouldn't over-salt one's food, physical exercise is physically beneficial, and seat belts save lives.

I like where I live, having been here 21 years. Perhaps God wants me to marry again, but I don't even want to date. My sobriety date is March, 2001, and I see a shrink for depression. Does that make me fair game for unwanted advice?

Could you advise me as to a snappy, barely civil, and advice-ending rejoinder to those who persist in giving me unwanted guidance as to how I should live my life? The perps are largely close family members and close friends.

By the way, I recently quit smoking because I wanted to, and now wear my seat-belt to avoid another citation. Of course, the advice-givers are each taking credit for my meager improvements.

GENTLE READER: If you cut down on salt and went for a bike ride, would they shut up?

No, wait. Miss Manners is not joining the nagging chorus. She just wants to establish that we are talking about your children or siblings, who are trying to get you to follow doctors' orders, or freelance busybodies volunteering to direct your life.

The latter can be told, "Really? Smoking is bad and exercise is good? And here I thought it was the other way around." (You really must make this civil by using a tone of gentle, humorous admonishment.)

But that line is not going to work on your intimates. With them, you must say more humbly, "You see, I do change eventually. But I'm afraid constant reminders just put me off, and make me more stubborn. I appreciate your concern, but patience works better than nagging."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Before my husband and I began dating, he was relatively close friends with his brother's girlfriend, and she has continued this even after we got married.

For Christmas she bought him a pair of boxers as a joke. It wouldn't be so bad, but every chance she gets she asks me if he's wearing them.

I want to know your opinion of this. I don't really know what to think. I know that the age we live in is far less inclined to be polite (or decent for that matter).

GENTLE READER: Not to mention that some people have a strange idea of what constitutes a joke. Miss Manners needn't tell you that the inquiry is being made in hopes of obtaining another such joke.

Since this one would be based on your embarrassment or jealousy, you may want to head it off by saying gently, "I'm so sorry -- I realize that you are eager to know, because you keep asking me. But I'm afraid I don't discuss my husband's underwear with outsiders."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is proper protocol for evening attire in the winter months for women?

GENTLE READER: Velvet, heavy silks, brocade -- pretty much anything that doesn't flutter in the wind. And while the length of the dress will depend on the occasion, Miss Manners recommends something that can, if necessary, conceal a pair of galoshes.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am attending a "White Tie" ball. I was taught by my late father that White Tie included the tails, white pique shirt, vest and tie but should include white kid gloves, a white silk scarf, a top hat and walking stick. I have a link which really has the exact look that my father had.

I own all of this apparel, so it is not a problem to locate such items. Is it still proper to dress this way for a very formal event such as I mention above?

GENTLE READER: Your father must have been quite a well-turned-out gentleman, and Miss Manners rather regrets that on the rare occasions where white tie is still worn, the gloves (buckskin, rather than kid), hat and walking stick seldom accompany it.

However, as long as you don't line up with any gentlemen who are similarly outfitted and all start tipping your hats and twirling and tapping your walking sticks in unison, she would consider the full outfit to remain appropriate, not to mention dashing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I am at a dance with my dancing partner, and someone asks to "cut in," taking my place, do I have to agree to allow him in or am I allowed to refuse? When I refused, my partner gasped and said it was mean. Was I right, or was she right?

GENTLE READER: Do you have a daughter? If so, Miss Manners asks you to remember that when the young lady happily produces a suitor who has the courtesy to ask you for her hand, you do not have the option of refusing.

Nor do you on the dance floor, where you have even more tenuous custody of the lady. The request to cut in is made for courtesy only.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a bartender for private parties and I work for a wage and tips. My company does not allow us to put out a tip jar, and I think when they book the parties, they let the customer believe that our gratuity is included in the cost of the party.

We can accept tips, just can't put out a tip jar. So a lot of times, it is out of sight, out of mind.

Is there any polite way to inform the person in charge of the party that a gratuity would be appreciated without sounding like soliciting? I have racked my brain and cannot come up with a phrase. If they give me a lead-in, I inform them I take tips, but it is rare. Any ideas?

GENTLE READER: Here's one that springs to mind: The host is not going to be delighted to have you trolling for tips after he was led to believe that this had been included in the price of the catering.

Miss Manners is not lacking in sympathy for underpaid workers who are being stiffed by their employers. But cajoling money from unsuspecting people -- either the hosts or their guests -- is detrimental to the business, and not the way to solve it. Your grievance is with your employer, and your redress would be to insist, along with whatever other service people he employs, that he pay you all the full service fee, whether or not he charges it to the host.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I have been invited to one of his close childhood friend's New Year's Eve wedding. When he asked the bride what I should wear, her response was that the wedding was to be "quite a formal event -- lots of tuxedos and suits" and that I should wear "a cocktail dress," although she would be wearing "a ball gown."

Now, I am not completely clear on the demarcations of black tie, white tie, etc., but I do not think her answer was entirely consistent. What on earth should I wear?

GENTLE READER: Modern weddings are uniformly inconsistent, so to speak. The idea has taken hold that the wedding party must be dressed in at least one degree of formality higher than the guests, and sometimes the bridegroom is yet another degree more formal than his groomsmen.

Traditionally, it was never like that. If a wedding was formal, everyone came equally formally dressed; if it was less formal, or informal, that style applied to everyone present.

The explanation for having different levels of dress at the same wedding has always puzzled Miss Manners. It is so people can tell who is getting married and who isn't, she has been told.

But if they don't know, what are they doing there?

In any event, you are right that this bride is even more confused than most. Her idea of "quite formal" seems to include everything except gym clothes.

The best you can do is to pick one of the styles she mentioned, so that you and your beau don't look as if you happened to run into each other while headed for different events. If he wears evening clothes, you should wear a long dress; if you wear a short but dressy dress, he should wear a dark suit.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a final-year veterinary student, whenever someone asks what it is that I do, I invariably get a run-down on every pet they've ever had, their last five trips to the vet (including gripes about how expensive veterinary treatment is), and/or how they themselves were going to go to vet school once upon a time. Not to mention the inevitable hit for free veterinary advice, to which I always answer, "I think you should bring Fluffy to a vet."

The thing is, I foresee that this will only get worse once I'm actually a licensed veterinarian. Is there any way to circumvent this?

I don't fancy performing health checks for free, and while I do love animals, when I'm not at work, I do like having a break from them. Am I being terribly rude to decline checking poor Fluffy's itchy rash if I'm not there on a professional basis?

GENTLE READER: It is not only the free-advice cadging that creates this problem. That you seem to be handling well. The other standard reply, should the speaker persist in demanding your opinion, is "Make an appointment to bring Fluffy into my office, and I'll have a look."

But you still have to deal with the mistaken notion that people go to parties with the hope of being able to talk about their jobs. There may be bores who do, but the rest of us enjoy having time off and getting to know other people.

The flattering way to put this is, "Oh, I won't bore you with that -- I'm off duty and here to enjoy myself. Now tell me about yourself." This is an open-ended question that allows the other person to pick the topic. And let's hope it's not his own shop talk.

: