DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every Christmas, my mother-in-law sends my husband and me a huge box in the mail. The gift box contains gifts of cookies and brownies that are home-baked, greasy, extremely sweet and stale (due to the long time it takes the package to arrive from my husband's hometown to our city). She also puts in generic brand deodorant, shampoos, conditioners and bodywash.

My husband and I are heath conscious and do not like the stale sweets. We also do not use the generic store-brand toiletries, as we have our preferred brands.

I wonder what would be a good way to communicate this to my mother-in-law. I know this is her way of showing love to her kids and that she put a lot of time and effort into preparing these packages. She is also an extremely sensitive person who cries frequently (at least two times a week) at the slightest stress.

GENTLE READER: So you think she would take it in stride if you told her that the treats she has been lovingly and laboriously making all these years are offensive?

The very thought of such cruelty drives Miss Manners to tears, and she is by no means fragile.

A good way to communicate to your mother-in-law would be to thank her profusely for her efforts, and not let her know that you consider them the opportunity to pass things on to those who will appreciate them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: You have addressed the issue of those who prefer cash/checks as gifts instead of things they "don't want/need" or "aren't to their taste," but I have the opposite problem. My mother and father each send me checks for birthdays and holidays, saying, "We don't know your taste."

I have searched myself for evidence of ungratefulness, but I do display enthusiasm on occasions when I receive a gift, whether it matches my exact tastes or not. I have even tried telling them (nicely!) that it would mean more to me to receive something they selected with me in mind, even if it isn't exactly what I would have chosen for myself, but to no avail.

You have noted that etiquette arguments are usually about underlying emotional difficulties rather than the etiquette question itself. This definitely applies to my question today.

I wouldn't mind their when-you-come-right-down-to-it generous and, in fact, optional gifts if it didn't represent for me their detachment from me in general. Which I find very painful. And which I suspect affects my ability to form close relationships, both romantic ones and even now with friends. While this is a little out of your purview, I wonder if there is some way for me to accept the state of my relationships with each parent, to appreciate what they are able to give me, to mitigate the distress over what they are not able to give me, and to build relationships with others that have more, does it make sense to say, "spiritual etiquette"?

GENTLE READER: No doubt you expect Miss Manners, who has so consistently and thoroughly opposed the substitution of payment for presents, to support your grievance.

But as you rightly observe, this problem is not about etiquette. If it were, there would be a simple answer. This is that what your parents are doing is commonplace today, not obviously intended to hurt, and it behooves you to accept their limitations as graciously as you do their checks.

And while it is indeed out of Miss Manners' purview to deal with the psychological subtext, she would think that behaving as if you accepted their etiquette lapse would go a long way toward making you feel unhampered by them in your pursuit of other relationships.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: On the envelope of the Christmas card I sent to my cousin (whom I rarely see), I omitted "Dr." in front of his name. I instead addressed him as Mr.

I didn't intend to offend him. I just meant to send him good wishes for Christmas. Yesterday, I received from him a note that greatly offended me. He sent the same thing to my mother, who is 82 years old and a wonderful person and who cares for him very much.

Enclosed were a copy of his Doctorate of Philosophy degree, with "Doctor" and the year circled, and one of an envelope made out to him as "Dr." He wrote "Please note it is standard to use Ph.d. at the end or Dr. in front but not Mr. on the name of a person with a doctorate. You are only ones that use Mr. Thank you."

I am extremely offended. I feel like writing him back and asking for my Christmas card back.

GENTLE READER: No, no, it's Christmas time, and your poor cousin doesn't know that in the higher levels of the academic world, it is taken for granted that one has a Ph.D. and considered silly for anyone not in the medical field to use the title of doctor.

Miss Manners suggests a letter of apology that begins, "Dear Dr. Cousin."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm dreading the holidays. A few of our family members are self-employed (I'm one), and some of us are marketing relentlessly to the rest of us.

The mail brings envelopes that look like letters or packages, but turn out to be unrequested advertising and nothing else, not even a personal greeting. Any e-mail is certain to be a sales pitch, sent to a long list of victims (with not so much as a "Hi, Aunt Jackie"). We've been invited to sales presentations (politely declined) and bombarded by pitches.

The very worst offender declared that we "must" gather at her house for the holidays. I want to avoid spending the holidays as a captive audience for a sales pitch, but should I tell her why I won't come or just politely decline (again)? So far, I've just said something vague and changed the subject. I don't want to upset the rest of the family by creating a scene, but I don't want to be subjected to the sales pitches any more, either.

On a related note -- I'm self-employed, too, and I wouldn't send unrequested marketing material to my relatives, but where's the line? I'd like to share what I'm up to, which includes work, but is it rude to add an e-mail link to a Web site where others can see my work? I'd like to avoid being rude, or tacky, or (gulp) some combination of the two.

GENTLE READER: When Miss Manners was a budding young journalist, a fiercely strict distinction was made between news and advertising. They shared pages and cynical readers assumed that advertising dollars influenced the news, but honest journalists did not permit this.

By that standard, the question here is whether someone is telling family news or targeting relatives as customers.

The mailings are clearly entirely commercial in content, so even a "Hi, Aunt Jackie" would seem like the advertising gimmick of so-called "personalization." A mince-pie at the offender's house would not excuse a sales pitch. But as such people are unlikely to distinguish between hospitality and hustling, you will only antagonize them by adding an explanation when you send your regrets.

As for yourself, Miss Manners condones telling what you are doing but advises skipping the Web site connection. It sounds as if your family has been besieged enough.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the etiquette of giving or regifting a fruitcake for the holidays? Should I start a vicious cycle by giving someone a fruitcake? And should I get one, is it OK for me to regift it to someone else? What if I get one...what is the appropriate response?

GENTLE READER: Vicious cycle? And here Miss Manners thought it was a holiday tradition.

The proper response is to thank the people who gave it to you. And to remove the card before passing it on. After proper aging, it will eventually reach the two or three people in this world who love fruitcake.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would really appreciate it if you would put this up for your gentle readers to have a better understanding of those of us working retail.

We know the lines are long; please do not take out your frustration on us; we are moving as fast as we can without making mistakes.

We know we need to call for assistance if there are any unmanned registers; that is why we request it over the store's speakers.

Please pay attention to when we make the calls; demanding 10 seconds later that we call again is not going to speed things up. It may take 10 whole seconds for assistance to arrive from the other end of the store or for assistance to make itself available.

Please be patient; chances are good that the retailer you are waiting for was hired recently for holiday help and may not be proficient with the local registers/computers. We all have to start some time, and if we are unsure, it is safer to ask a manager about policy than let you have your way only to get written up for breaking it later.

We know there are many stores out there; please keep all of your receipts so that you are not left with a book from one store that you tried to return to a different bookstore. Yes, I assure you the inventories ARE different between stores, and that yes, they will refuse to honor each other's gift cards.

Please pay attention to who you call. There are many stores in the Yellow pages that are right above each other. The item you reserved may be in Peasanton or Pleasant Hill, and unless you are alert, you may end up reserving an item at the wrong store.

If what you ask is against store policy, please do not change tactics. No is no and the Corporate enforces these rules with audits. If it is not possible to acquiesce, becoming angry, defensive, insulted or louder than necessary will not get you your way. The "Customer from Heck" is a favorite gossip story among staff and you may be the day's top story over the water cooler.

GENTLE READER: Hang in there, Christmas rush will soon be over, and it will be time for -- returns! and sales!

Miss Manners is in tremendous sympathy with the drubbing people in retail get from those out to celebrate a festival of peace. She has observed the melee in the aisles.

With all her heart, she joins you in begging your customers to behave with the consideration, fairness and dignity that they expect in their working lives.

But she asks something of you which may be even harder. That is to remember that you are the grown-ups in this situation, and to remain calm and professional under trying circumstances.

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