DEAR MISS MANNERS: I love hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have hosted these holidays for all my siblings and their children every year since my mother got sick and was no longer able to host it herself. My parents are, of course, invited, and it really ends up being a potluck, but I always have it at my house.

Now that my boys are married, they seem to not want to come to our house every year. One of my daughters-in-law even suggested that I let her host it at their apartment one year and try out some new "traditions."

I feel very insulted because I am not yet sick like my mother was/is nor am I too old to host these holidays and don't see why my sons or their wives would imply this.

They also seem reluctant to visit us at the house very often the rest of the year but invite us to come over anytime we're in town to visit them at their apartment.

Isn't it good etiquette for the younger to visit the older? I often visit my parents, and they don't visit me except for these two holidays. I thought I raised my boys to have good manners, especially toward their elders. Please help me know what to say to my sons and daughters-in-law to fix this.

GENTLE READER: How about "Thank you for your kind invitation"? An invitation is not an insult, and your children are not insinuating that you are incompetent or sick by inviting you to visit them.

But before you conclude that Miss Manners has joined the conspiracy, she would like to point out that showing appreciation does not constitute an acceptance. It is a way to open a conversation without turning it into an emotional tug-of-war.

You should explain graciously that you enjoy giving those dinners; your daughters-in-law should reply equally graciously that they would enjoy having you as a guest. And then you work out a compromise that allows each of you to do some entertaining and some being entertained. And you remember to be thankful that your relatives want to be hospitable to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 21-year-old grandson asked me a candle question for which I did not have the answer. He said he had been told that one never displays a candle that has not been previously lit. His information was that any candle should be lighted, if only momentarily, so the wick would indicate the candle was not new.

Is there such a rule? Perhaps you could do a bit on candle etiquette.

GENTLE READER: There is such a rule, Miss Manners has to admit. It is the sort of thing that makes people think that etiquette has nothing better to do.

The idea is to discourage using candles just for show; they should be there because they are used. (Yes, you can fake that by blowing them right out, but so what?)

The only other rule that comes to mind is not to light candles during daylight. And oh, yes, don't set the guests on fire.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a full-time graduate student, my schedule lends itself to more flexibility than those of my four roommates, who are all working professionals. Consequently, I have been asked to take them to airports and train stations (for both work and personal reasons) at nearly all hours of the day and night.

Usually, I comply with their requests. One time I even took a roommate to the train station at 3 a.m.

I've noticed that when I ask for a favor, no one seems to help, for reasons having little to do with scheduling. In fact, I've become upset over their reluctance to help me out. However, I am beginning to think that my reasons for being irritated are more than a little self-centered. After all, transporting people to and from the airport is something I chose to do as their friend, and they made no promises of reciprocation.

Yet I also would like for them to help me when I need it. I guess, Miss Manners, I need you to set my attitude to rights, and to reinforce that my gift of help was just that -- a gift.

GENTLE READER: Usually, it is youngsters who, having been told to write letters of thanks to their grandmothers, argue that giving becomes impure if there is any expectation of a duty in return. You are generous to apply this idea to yourself.

Nevertheless, Miss Manners does not buy it.

Civilization is based on the idea of reciprocity. It can't always be exactly calculated or timed, and allowances are made for circumstances and individual ability. If children reciprocate the care their parents take of them, it is apt to be decades later.

People with limited resources get full credit for reciprocating whether or not their hospitality and presents are as lavish as what they are given.

But a system by which some people always give and others never give back does not work. Whether you wish to continue doing favors for these ingrates is not for Miss Manners to say. But she can tell you that you are justified in resenting their attitude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Before another Thanksgiving comes and goes, please tell me how to use my gravy boats. I have two: one with my good china that has an attached dish/plate at the bottom and a spout; and the other with my everyday dishes that has a spout but no attached plate.

Am I to pour from the spout with each one? Or am I to use some sort of spoon? And if I use the spoon, then what? Do I put this spoon in the boat or on the attached dish. And what if the gravy boat is passed?

GENTLE READER: The chief idea here is not to spread the gravy around -- around the tablecloth, around your guests' laps, or around the laps of the guests sitting next to them.

So while a footed gravy boat with a spout does not require a gravy ladle or an under-liner, Miss Manners recommends both for thick gravies and thick-fingered diners.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What's the proper response to a homeowner's admonition to "just ignore the mess" when entering her home? "OK!" seems insulting; "What mess?" is phony; and "Mine's a lot worse" is transparent and self-deprecating.

GENTLE READER: When there is no right answer, polite people smile. Head tilted to one side, please, and no teeth showing.

Miss Manners assures you that this can convey either sympathy for the universal human problem of keeping things neat or amusement that anyone would apologize for a basically orderly house -- depending on which interpretation the homeowner prefers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I received a formal invitation to a distant relation's black-tie evening wedding, but, unable to afford the attire for such an event, we chose not to attend.

However, the invitation's response card had only selections for what we would like to eat at the reception, and no place where we could let the couple know that we would not be attending. We were under the impression that when there is no option on the invitation to decline the event, then not returning the card tells the couple that we will not be attending.

Later, I received a frantic call from the bride's mother asking whether we would be attending and what we wanted to eat. My husband's family thought we were wrong not to respond immediately to say we wouldn't be attending.

Should I have written a note on the response card declining, but offering our best wishes? Or were my husband and I correct that in such a situation no response is a "No, thank you"?

This type of invitation (without a means to decline) is common for this branch of the family, and it is not the first phone call from them to confirm events. I know I am supposed to respond with the same method as the invitation, but since they generally do not provide a means to decline, and do not agree that no response means "No, thank you," should I telephone them instead? I do not wish to appear like I am snubbing them. Please tell me, what is the proper way to handle this?

GENTLE READER: May a despairing Miss Manners plead that you, and the many others who declare themselves baffled by formal invitations, apply a modicum of common sense to the situation?

If so, you would surely realize that:

1. Every invitation, no matter how formal or how casual, requires a response. Silence is both uninformative and rude. It is, as you say, a snub.

2. Responding is the obligation of the person who was invited, even if the host (probably out of bitter experience with noncompliance) tries to help by issuing reminders, deadlines or cards.

3. Responding in kind means that a written invitation is answered in writing, a telephoned invitation by telephone, and so on. So unless you are unable to put your hands on a pen, a piece of paper and a stamp, you do not lack the means of responding. And even then, some response, say by telephone, would be better than none at all.

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